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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pshaw
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6 Public Reviews Given
7 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'll review your NSFW fiction, and I will do so with great confidence and pride. I will review your comedy, and try and help you out. But most importantly of all, I'm in it to experience a really fun story. ... but not to mince words, getting off is also a motivation. I recognize that I am a dime a dozen, but I will try to be a *fulfilling* dime a dozen.
I'm good at...
Recognizing tropes and setups Comedic critique
Favorite Genres
Erotica, comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Tragedy, vanilla
Favorite Item Types
Interactive
Least Favorite Item Types
Novels
I will not review...
Basic fluff, vanilla ero, drama, tragedy, or walls of text
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of More.  Open in new Window.
Review by Somedaynotsoon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I'm entirely confused by this piece. In every way.
The names seem on-the-nose, which makes me think that this is an analogy piece, but what exactly it might be an analogy for slips over my head.
The word choices either of the narrator or you are a tad bizarre, words like "snaked" and "pleading flow", serving to describe the situation VERY colorfully, and leaving a punch, but exactly where the punch is delivered is a mystery, and exactly what the words DESCRIBE is cloudy. I'm having a hard time considering this a horror piece, because in spite of the ominous ending the whole of the work is soft and encouraging in a slightly off-kilter way. I definitely don't think it's "romance" either, since that's not tagged.
If I were to offer some more surface-level and easier to pin down tips on syntactical structure, you shouldn't be afraid of paragraphs. The lines breaking after every sentence or so definitely leads to the pacing I think you intended, but it also makes more important lines more visible, crashing the sense of suspense.
The story also begins en medias res? Unless I misread it? It's hard to tell the exact timeline of events from the way the story is told, but I got the picture of what generally happened. This is a lot less of a valid criticism, but I also was completely unable to tell what the symbolism was indicative of.

But that's only negatives, there are some elements here which appeal to me, and definitely make the whole of this thing intriguing enough that I kinda wish there were more filled - in gaps...For instance: I really enjoyed Damon's facade while it lasted, and the description of being jealous of the scarf was a welcome diversion (it should have been longer..!). On the whole, this piece created the emotions in its reader it sets out to create, but actually figuring out WHAT I just read is MUCH harder, to the point where I couldn't even describe this piece to a friend if I wanted to.

I'm not sure what I just read, and I'm not sure I liked it, but it made me feel the kind of uncomfortable which it was meant to make me feel, so I suppose you succeeded.

Hope this review helped in some way.
2
2
Review of The Witch's Prize  Open in new Window.
Review by Somedaynotsoon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
We gotta talk about these names.
They're overly complicated and long, and the story isn't benefited by their difficulty. Mektlacaugh, for instance, has three pronounced consonants right next to each other, and it's not a pleasant experience in trying to pronounce it. If ever I were to change one thing immediately, it would be the names.

The story, as well. It takes off incredibly quickly. For an interactive with so much backstory, there's little to no exposition in this first chapter, and it doesn't feel real when the events are pushed through so quickly. For instance: Kendall is described as having shrunk "to the size of an imp" though "the size of an imp" is confusing. Imps, as a fictional creature, tend to vary in size from tale to tale, and generally in fantasy works are at least knee height. Considering that Ena can hold Kendall in her fist, though, it seems that's not the case here, and so we run into a problem: The only comparison we've been given as to Ken's actual size we can't use because we don't have a frame of reference. I also think it was quite unnecessary to introduce and have all three of the three main characters in the same scene directly interacting by the end of the first chapter. It feels rushed, like as readers and writers we're supposed to pick up on the dynamic of the characters immediately, but that's not the case, since the only clues we're given to their character are the intro and this chapter. Take your time with an interactive's opening. It doesn't have to push you into the most intricate situation immediately.

I'm honestly not sure how to fix this thing, Hauthor. It's big and ambitious, but tries to get too big too quickly, and ends up hard to take seriously, especially with these goofy names. If it were me, I would just edit what's already there to make the story more accessible for everyone, but given how much content is here already, that seems like it'd break up everything that's already here. The fantasy setting doesn't do much for me, we don't spend enough time with the characters, and overall it's just hard to get into in the first place. I'm sure it can be improved, but as for how, I personally am at a loss.

I'm sorry if this review wasn't helpful.
3
3
Review by Somedaynotsoon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
(This is Someday. Sorry this review is late and all, but I had a rough patch. Reviewing as I read.)
The first evidence of good word choice present in this piece is "largely successful therapy" - because it's funny - although the rest of the beginning doesn't really do much for me.
The first real arc surprised me. I did not anticipate LITERAL helicopter parenting. Also not anticipated - the sequence with the tank. It's pretty darn functional in terms of "reversal of expectation" comedy. I like it.
I truly appreciate the line "We were bleeding far too often to gain serious weight.". The broken corollary just gives a strong impression. Reading it, you can FEEL the injuries. It's pretty rad. Also giving off a strong response "Oh, how we long for the days when we had hair." toit my reaction was https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEtgRBjEZp0 . You got me curious with this line, sir. Nice.
Second arc! The whole death mountain bit doesn't really resonate in any way shape or form, and the part about the ramps doesn't get any more over the top than it was already, so it doesn't elicit any more response. It's a pretty weak third chapter.
So now we get into the Third arc, the shortest and longest chapters back-to back. The shortest chapter does nothing for me, but I get why it exists.
The drastic rollercoaster of the fourth chapter has its moments, such as "reluctantly, edgewise" and the injury description at the end of the chapter. KEEP IT HERE! The feats themselves don't even have to be all that impressive, exaggerated, or memorable. If you write these creative injuries for each of them, though, it's a lot more memorable and powerful.
Following those two chapters, the winter chapter really hurts in the good way. Good injury descriptions, more foreshadowing, more hard-hitting biting satire of 70's "chutzpah". it's GOOD, man!
The fireworks chapter is more exaggerated feat discussion, which is not the strongest suit. I'm hoping for a twist later that really makes this worth re-reading (i'm still reviewing as I read.) The alliterations following this are B-class (functional but not fabulously funny),with exception to Vinnie. The references here are all on point, as well.
Now, I'm going to read the rest, and review the end.
I anticipated some writing about the therapy or the interluding years, but what I received instead was a call back to a chapter I wasn't particularly fond of, and a distinct lack of answers which didn't sit too well with me. The moral of the piece doesn't line up at all with the satire from earlier, either.
Over all, this piece only works when it's makes you HURT. Your descriptions of the injuries feel real and meaningful, and the brief mentions of therapy and Wall Street belie a joke waiting to be told, some powerful prose unwritten. I probably say this too often to people I review, but you have good ideas on a mediocre display here. Tighten it up, trim some fat, maybe fill in some blanks, and you've got a strong satire of parental nonstringency.
4
4
Review of My New Business  Open in new Window.
Review by Somedaynotsoon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Okay, real talk?
This is some darn fine comedy.
It's most certainly not perfect, but I'll be damned if this isn't one of the most solid premises I've seen in a good long while. There's a certain magic to discovering something new, and this is a concept I haven't seen before, at least not done WELL. The steak shop joke is completely functional. It took me a while to wrap my head around, and I feel the joke could have been done equal justice with pork and an Islamic nation, which would also reach a wider audience who can understand the joke faster. The shoe store is funny for an entirely new reason, that being the audience is anticipating places where shoes would be shunned, locking themselves into the non - fictional, only to be greeted with a Tolkien reference. It's the strongest joke in the pack. You've got the rule of three down pat, and the third example defies expectation by working with the simple phrasing of the warrant which is the core of all three of the jokes in the piece, that of selling things where they are NEEDED but not WANTED. It's a fairly decent ending, although it plays a bit too safe, in my opinion. But again, most of my gripes pale. You've written something good here, and so all I can really tell you is that you should keep at this whole comedy thing. It's clear from this piece it can serve you well.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Somedaynotsoon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a bit of funny revisionist history. The real Email incorporation is neat. The played, ordinary plot is neat. It does its formula and doesn't try anything strange, it stays focused.
The first paragraph is a good *start* for comedy. I feel like it doesn't go far enough to make the miser-esque narrator seem desperate. The second paragraph makes him seem very grounded in reality and blasé, but this kind of contrasts with the point of the piece, to incite a laugh over just how dull this hypothetical person who falls for a spam email is. However, the main thing I must say is that the narrator isn't exaggerated enough in either direction to make either trait very funny on its own. He isn't so tremendously boring and "stale bread" enough to laugh at for being bland, and he's not exaggerated and greedy enough to really pull off the money-grubbing act. The natural progression of the two paragraphs fulfills their narrative purpose, and doesn't do much else.
The email could almost definitely have stood to be doctored up for greater comedic effect, but since it's real, and it is also pretty funny on its own for its poor use of language, it gets a free pass. The fourth paragraph begins with the funniest original line of the piece, "Out of the blue...lot of zeroes". It conveys the entire point of the rest of the story in a single line. Most of the fourth paragraph follows in the same vein behind this line, although for greater effect Butulezi should perhaps have been made more fraudulent and less realistic. But, all in all, solid paragraph.
My constructive criticism for the fifth paragraph is very surface-level. The (Bribe) parentheses should contain a short sentence, such as an aside, like "(I shall not mince words, it is a bribe)." Most certainly, having remaining money in the account is a loose end. I can say with certainty the piece would be improved comedically if Butulezi *also* wanted the 8.73 out of pettiness and made an extra request of the narrator after it. The sixth paragraph doesn't really demonstrate anything groundbreaking, but its also fairly solid. If I had to give a last tip, I would recommend integrating the last line in paragraph six into the ending line.
Overall, it's good, but I feel like its underdeveloped as a comedy piece. It's got some good use of language, though, and shows promise for a "first attempt at comedy".
6
6
Review of The Twist  Open in new Window.
Review by Somedaynotsoon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Before I get too into the details, this story is short and sweet, which makes it perfect for noncommittal readers, you know, the kind of readers who poke in for a paragraph and if they can't get into it leave a scathing review.

In terms of formatting, it took me a little bit to realize that it was a story being told to a jerk, who was attempting to guess the twist. That might have something to do with the hashmarks which indicate the transition, or it could also be the fact that we start with the story instead of the person telling the story. I figured out what was going on before the important bit, however, so really this is just a nitpick.

The phrasing in the story which suggests all the false twists is on point, although I do wish that the initial motif of the guesses pushing for the "Soylent Green" cannibalism twist had stuck around for a little longer than it did. You missed the Rule of Three with the guesses, as after each pair of themed guesses you moved on to the next, leaving both the "THIS MEAL WAS PEOPLE!" and "THE CHEF'S A MONSTER!" gags without a satisfying conclusion, which also makes it harder to see that each pair of guesses are centered around a theme. Similarly, there isn't a third group of irrational guesses. This story begs to be longer, the guesser's character begs to be more angry, shouty, and persistent in their guesses, and the storyteller begs to be even more VERY CLEARLY EVIL.

...Basically what I'm getting at is that this story is GOOD, and most certainly borders on GREAT, but it's definitely not enough of a good thing; Some parts should be cranked up to the realm of hyperbole, and some parts simply need more words to round out a sentence.

I'm rating it a 4/5, but you should most certainly write a sequel which improves upon this one. I'd love to see this good idea perfected.

Thanks for inviting me to review this!
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