Hello Varun,
This is a wonderful account of common existence in our country - Good Old India! There is attention to detail, not unnecessary, but to add to the story. None of them detract from the story.
This vignette from you is sufficient evidence of sensitivity to your surroundings and the obvious skill as a writer. A couple of suggestions if I may -
Firstly, the way I see it is that the protagonist of this story is Shekhar - a metaphor for all that is in burdened countries. It may be a clever ploy of yours to potray him as almost a "mute character" with hardly any dialogues to his credit to suggest to us, the going-ons in his mind - again a wonderful metaphor for the helplessness of those beneath the burden of such countries. Yet, since it is not entirely a narrative in third person account (the majority is, but dialogues are there, maybe we could hear Shekhar too...though his "muteness" could be a deft touch in itself. Somehow it has to be expressed, what he wants, thinks...the puppy in the prologue and his liking for sex does highlight the overwhelming need for affection (again making his parents leprosy patients unable to provide him with the "stroking" so essential for an infant is a masterstroke).
Second, maybe you are right in potraying him as a silent toy used,abused and told since birth without being given anything. This is where the potential for adding some "meat" to the interactions between Ramsingh and Shekhar comes in, and can be used to bring in Shekhar's point of view...besides the one sentence you have about his enjoying the fondling. This is a window to capitalize on to open Shekhar's mind. After all, this is the first time he is probably experiencing affectionate physical contact, very different from the roughness he might have known all along. What transpires within him....what changes, if any, germinate within him...questions, reactions, exploration...necessary to make the uselessness of it all more poignant by his anonymous death at the end. The uselessness of change and hope, discovery... in the minds of the silent pond-scum of an old stagnant country. Just my view...think about it....ignore if you wish.
Third, this is something I always suggest to writers using native terms, "bhajjiya" for example....it is always a good plan to add a glossary of terms either at the beginning or the end of the story. It helps to introduce and include the international audience into the local flavour. let them know what you are speaking about to actually live it, feel it, taste it...better than they form hazy assumptions. Explanation may not be required in the middle of the story, but a glossary of all native terms either before or after the story, methinks is a good idea.
And finally, a couple of para breaks...like when ramsingh is introduced to us...it could be a separate paragraph...it signifies a progression of the story, the next twig/branch so to speak....that calls for a para break. There are a couple of other instances where you might want to look at the para breaks.
I think, Varun, you are a promising writer with a future. Even if you do not become a pro-writer, do not give up this talent of yours (somehow I get the impression from your writing style that you are quite young, hence the tone of my words!!!! Please do not mind.
If any of these views sound offensive to you, just put it down to my excitement at finding a good, fellow Indian writer, and ignore.
warmest
prash
|
|