This is far and away the most magnificent poem of yours I have read since we've met! Far and away the BEST pure poem in your "Baker's Dozen" !
Once I realized where you were taking me, I still had to be led by the hand... and even then, having realized where I thought you were taking me, you had another surprise in store!
You must take a bow with this, m'friend!
Truly a magnificent work!
Bon Jour, Mon Vieux! Thanks for being part of the mix in my fledgling enterprise!
Hopefully, I can dispense with the ooh's and ahh's here.
You are a derriere kickin', sharp witted, fast on the draw writer with more than the required modicum of sense, intelligence, and self-awareness to be able to enrich those who read your offerings!
And this one is "purty durned" slick! I love, read that as absolutely loved the play on "Absence and Absinthe" making the heart grow fonder!
A fine, worthy entry. Please, don't be a stranger to the Cafe! (And that doesn't translate as an invitation to sleep permanently under the bar!)
Seriously though, thanks for the support, Ben!
Paul
P.S. Enclosing the Bonus GP'S for the Virgin Round here!
Hello, Lain Athidus, and thank you for your entry this round!
Oh, my friend, you're saying something here, but I tell you honestly, I don't get it! And please know, I mean and intend no disrespect to you nor your poem. But reading it puts me in mind of a fire-fight! But instead of bullets, words and intents are flying everywhere, and the reader ends up only remembering the near misses and the impacts, but can't for the life of him recreate what actual experience he's had!
Perhaps you might consider not trying to overwhelm your reader with quantity. I don't know, but this might have read less chaotically trimmed to say, a dozen or maybe sixteen lines?
Sorry, but I just didn't get it. Too long, too overwhelming, too chaotic to be able to take any message from it!
Paul
p.s. I'm including the BONUS GP'S for the 1st Round participants!
Hello Paul, and thanks for stopping by the Cafe and leaving this!
A very nice little poem of the drudgery of the Work Commute. If such a thing can successfully have the word nice associated with it.
Very good 8888 meter for the most part. The following line works, but requires the reader (me, in this case) to pay attention to the reading, which tends to slow down the rhythm and takes us out of the flow of the poem:
Verse 4, Line 1:
Some hide their heads, reading bad news Perhaps this: Some hide their heads to read bad news?
Otherwise, "reading" must be pronounced "ree-DEENG" to maintain the rhythm.
Two lines I thought were very clever:
"Germs surf the breeze of each wet sneeze"
and
"They look away. Why? Are they shy?"
Thanks again. I enjoyed this "ride".
Good luck in the contest. Hope to see you in the next round!
An excellent form, and you nail it. Masterful storytelling... as the reader, I never noticed the moment I became lost in the current and flow of the storytelling, until I found myself suddenly at the end, realizing I'd been led by the hand!
Your Iambic pentameter is flawless. An absolute pleasure to read!
You do have a knack for rhyme, meter, and turn of phrase, I'll hand you that.
I'm not familiar enough with the Rondel without checking a reference, but I noticed that while the majority of the poem ran an 8 count, the following lines ran 9: The other guys would gawk and follow
And A guy came round she found she'd follow
Perhaps this is immaterial to the form, as I said, I'd have to check.
But they do not detract in the least while reading, my friend. And I'd tell you if they did, rest assured.
Thanks again for asking... you haven't disappointed so far!
I'm going to be starting a new forum next month, hopefully, and it's going to be invitation or by request only. I'd like to put you on my short list, if you've no problem with that. I'll be sending out an informational letter to everyone when the time comes, and you can certainly feel free to decline, now, or after the letter.
But I think you're the kind of poet I'm looking for...
Kaya,
This is just perfect! Thank you for making me feel relieved that I'm merely a middle-aged male, trying to come to terms with my life!
'Til now, I didn't realize how good I truly have it.
1. I've ALWAYS sweated.
2. Cramps, when they came, were the result of doing something stupid, not a result of my sex.
3. I still sweat. Thank god that hasn't changed!
4. My kids are in, respectively, Virginia, and Colorado. I am in Oregon!
5. No one else cares what I look like, either!
Marvelous! Beautifully crafted and written, and I can honestly say I wish I'd written this.
Congratulations on the award- certainly well deserved, although, had I been judging, you'd have been awarded 1st place... all a matter of personal preference though, I suppose.
Can't say as I'm familiar with the Grossblank form, but then, I don't really need to be. This is a well constructed and written piece, and I presume from the Award, it met the requirements of the form.
In reading this, I almost do find myself among the persons in the house... but as a stranger. I'm there, but I have no idea of whom it is we're remembering; who's death brings us here, this day, in whose memory we warmly experience the good things this house holds for us!
Very curious. I've never seen a cat's perspective undertaken in quite this manner. But very nicely done!
I do like how you take the thought process of the cat, and follow it from, "ok, bad deal now. Gotta get back inside 'tho", thru "Listen, this has gone way past funny and cute" to the realization that life now lies in another direction. And the only true regret is the lost mouse-toy!
An interesting poem. A little difficult to follow the point from start to finish 'tho. In all honesty, it reads to me more as a list, a collection if you will, of individual thoughts rather than having a beginning, middle, and end.
I have trouble following from point to point, therefore, the poem loses its power to take me where you as the writer would have me go.
Hope as an asset is a powerful tool, but perhaps that hope must be defined if you would have a reader grasp it?
Poetry is about more, so much more, than writing our feelings- it is about sharing and communicating our feelings that another may ponder and examine their own perspective hopefully in new light!
Keep working on this, as the message is important.
Such a lovely, sweet tribute! Very poignantly delivered, and eloquently written. I sorrow for your loss.
Your voice sounds sincere and hopeful, although I know there was grief in the writing.
As a tribute, this is perfect, and I'm sure your Grandmother is proud of you, and it gives her reason to smile.
As straight poetry, the "off" lines, meaning the lines not repeated throughout, could benefit from a bit more attention to meter. Be assured, this is only a suggestion. Do as you see fit, whenever that may be.
Finally girding for another Dance with Love- who of us can't in our hearts can't be hopeful of this?
This is a lovely poem, though you might wish to pay more attention to the meter. It seems to roam loosely throughout each verse. The need for meter in rhyming poetry relates to "flow". Flow lets the words run, even cascade, to the end, bringing the reader along with them without realizing he's reading.
You have a very good poem here, and with just a touch of sanding and polishing it's a definite five star!
The only typo I spotted was bussom. It should be bosom.
Again, thanks for entering, and please, keep writing. You have the muse!
What a wonderful poem you've written here. So full of hope, and subtle pleading for your love to take your hand and as one, raise above the effects this world bruises us with!
This part was beautiful:
Let's play upon the mystic web,
that binds you and me as one.
This is a curious perspective you've taken here.
I can see that your Thinker takes an intelligent, introspective view of the world, measuring, gauging, but in the end, doing what?
Maybe that's not the point? I'm curious?
Very well written though. I honestly find no fault, and rather enjoyed reading it, but would have liked to see what the Thinker might have done with the insights gathered from his bench!
Oh this is beautifully written and delivered.
To understand what love means to your life, to know the impact it's lack would bring, and to be able to sing it as you have here, so heartfelt, is wonderful to behold!
I wish you best of luck in the contest!
Paul
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