In the spirit of quid pro quo, here's my thoughts (though I doubt my quid equals your quo... or do I have that backwards?)
Mandatory Disclaimer: Ehem. Grain of salt, subjective opinion, eye of the bee holder, sanctus sanctorum, Jurisprudence, Amen. I also have been sipping a Mezcal cranberry on ice, so that might have impacted things a smidge… (I can re-review when I’m sober, so consider this a second opinion unfettered by socially acceptable sobriety)
Part 1: I like to read stuff once without stopping, since that’s probably how most readers will do that, so this part is the general impression summary section of that.
General Impression: My general impression is that I really like the main character. He comes across as a bit dorky in an erudite sort of way, and feels like a bit of a loaner, given the constant side jokes to himself and the slightly self-deprecating tone of some of his comments. I am interested in the idea of discovering abandoned metropolitan tunnels, though I don’t yet understand his full motivations - other than curiosity and a desire to self-identify as a social deviant explorer similar to those he read in his book. I found myself wishing that I understood why that kind of exploring was important to Justin in particular. What was he specifically getting out of it? Similarly, there were times when I wished for less explanation of what the environs looked like, and more on how Justin was feeling and experiencing his foray into post-apocalyptic looking forest-lands.
Pacing: So this one is going to be hard for me to relay, because I’m still not entirely sure how to verbalize it. Individually, your lines are great, and I can tell there was a lot of thought put into many of them, but I have this feeling (just a feeling really) that there’s a way you might want to tweak the pacing. The best way I can describe this feeling is that it felt like we were going at a steady 35 mph throughout the chapter, when we needed to ramp up to 75, slam the breaks until we hit 20 mph, cruise at 45, and then do it again… Man, that’s a crappy metaphor. I guess I’m trying to say that I would have liked to see you slow down and really develop a couple scenes, while speeding up some of the more exposition style prose between them… Again, this is based more on a feeling than any one particular part, so I’m thinking it could just be my own quirky preferences. If you want me to elaborate more on this, I can re-review and try to pinpoint more specifics.
Part 2: More of a paragraph by paragraph breakdown. No grammar edits here (I figure people can generally get a copy editor for that).
“Justin Hisakawa hunkered over his coffee in the lobby of the airport Hilton and peered at his dog-eared copy of Unpacking Social Space. The elevator music oozing from invisible speakers shifted to a 1001 Strings version of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," and he rolled his eyes. It was too early in the morning for tamed-down rockabilly.” - Solid intro, descriptive and unique. For some reason I wanted to shift and break down line 2 to slow the pacing and savor the descriptions a bit more (i.e. “The elevator music oozed from invisible speakers, shifting to a 1001 Strings version of “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.” Justin rolled his eyes.) Minor, but I feel like sometimes breaking it up with some commas and punctuation helps the reader absorb.
“Justin squirmed and averted his eyes. Surely the guy wasn’t hitting on him? It wasn’t like he was bad-looking or anything—maybe mid-thirties, so at least ten years older than Justin. Fit, too, judging from his broad shoulders and trim waist. Just the kind of guy to make Justin feel like a stick figure, complete with ears that stuck out and a thatch of every-which-way hair. “ - This was the first time I really started to identify and like Justin. While I could empathize with hunkering over coffee, some of the first and second paragraph read a bit too esoteric for me to really identify with him. This is totally fine if you either (1) Are writing specifically for that niche audience, or (2) wanted to better establish him as an aloof intellectual type, before juxtaposing the next scene where he becomes relatable. This part though, hit me in the feels, even as a straight guy. Self doubt/criticism is a powerful empathy solicitor.
“Just like an outcast social deviant. He grinned.” - I liked how we got a sense of his feelings on being a social deviant explorer, pursuing the unknown. Would have liked to dive deeper into why he felt these things.
“Justin scowled. So much for Archimedes.” - Maybe I’m just a pleeb, but I didn’t get this reference without a google search.
“Who was this interloper? Maybe he could share the joy of discovery with them. A drag queen might at least be gay. Still, sharing would be good, even if they were a woman.” - This line confused me a little, but maybe it’s just my ignorance shining through. Why would the discovery be less with a woman? Because she isn’t a social deviant or something? I guess I’m still not yet fully in the know on the linkage between urban subterranean exploration and social deviants then.
Overall Impressions/Recap: I’m interested and want to know more. I felt like Justin was a real character with depth, but I wanted to understand him at a deeper level. I think there might be some opportunities to explore that - either by flushing out some of these scenes or simply building it out further in later chapters. The high heel shoe print is fascinating, but the part that’s driving me forward the most is a desire to better understand this interesting hobby and what it means to Justin.
In summary, very interesting. I have no idea where its going, but I’d like to know more. I hope my review isn’t too tequila addled. I’ll check it again in the morning to be sure.
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