Hey AuthorS!
I think the story has potential. The idea behind it is great, the dialogue realistic, however there are a few things I would like to point out.
First: JJ's character. I get it; he's a jock, a popular kid with pretty wealthy parents and now super strength, but I find he comes off as a player and an asshole. If this is what you're aiming for, that's fine. It gives you a good base for character development. However, if you're counting on keeping JJ like this forever... well, I'll have to speak my mind: he's unrelatable for most, and any girl who reads this is probably angered by his passive attitude regarding his relationship with Emily. It feels as though he loves her body more than he loves her: not once did he comment on her intelligence (although I must say she doesn't seem to have any) for many, many comments on her physical attributes.
Second: Emily's character. From what I understood, she's the popular, sexy girl with no (or very few) brains that gets played by her boyfriend like a harp. To add to this, she's also a cheerleader. Now I understand the stereotype that "all cheerleaders are stupid", but maybe you should consider stepping away of the stereotype. My main problem with the character is that, once again, I find her unrelatable. However, as I said earlier on, if your aim is to develop the character of JJ and this is just another way to show that he's a jackass, that's fine, albeit a little annoying for those of us who cringe when we read the point of vue of a man who objectifies women... and the women let themselves be treated that way.
Third: Plot holes. In general, I liked your plot. It was interesting, and has a lot of potential. However, there are a few plot holes I would like to mention.
1. Why did JJ tell Emily about his powers? He obviously doesn't have any sentimental attachment to her, and is considering breaking up with her. He lies to her, doesn't respect her, so why would he tell her something that could potentially get him in very big trouble? I think this is a problem worth fixing.
2. Why did JJ tell his parents? Does he have a good relation with them? Why didn't his father report to the authorities that his son has powers? Please explain that. It's nothing major, but it's enough to annoy me.
3. How did JJ discover he had these powers? Did he seriously injure someone? If so, why didn't that person report him?
4. When JJ discovered he had his powers, why didn't he brag? It seems like the most popular kid in school would brag about this kind of thing... especially if he told his for-sensual-purposes-only girlfriend. And if he's smart enough to know to keep it silent, then why did he tell Emily?
Last: Typos. You have a few small typos--nothing major, we could understand what was going on, but still worth re-reading and correcting.
Overall, I think your story has potential. Maybe run it over a few times, but if there's going to be character evolution, you got me hooked because your story seems really interesting. However, I'll be completely honest, if you count on keeping JJ as superficial and as much of an *cough* asshole, you'll have me unhooked. It's the type of story I'd pick up, make a face at (at first), still end up getting hooked at and probably loving it once I'm done. So really, keep writing. You're doing a great job so far!
R.B. Archer |
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