I think that this poem is done pretty well. It invokes the reader's mind and makes them feel like they are walking towards the sea themselves. The only improving comment I have is that you play with using a few more intense or stronger words to draw the reader in even more. As I was reading I was drawn in, but on a few lines I sort of lost the full immersion of the words.
For instance, when you wrote:
I close my eyes
Inhaling scents of deep red roses
Lilting in the soft ocean breeze
Beckoning me into the moonlight
Soon the night has come alive
I am revived
My senses heightened
I feel lost in the poem up until the line "soon the night has come alive," which is where I am sort of jolted out of the scene. On the next line I'm drawn back in, but the "my senses heightened" pushed me back out. Try to draw in the reader, and keep them in the beauty of the poem until the very last line.
This poem is very well written. There is a great balance of imagery and descriptive words. I like how you added words that fit the period, which gives the poem a more realistic feel to it. My only note is that you could use some commas after lines where you didn't place them. The majority of the poem is done well with punctuation, but the commas are needed. Great poem overall though. I notice in the description line that it is considered a poem/song lyrics...have you wrote music for it?
This poem is a really good changing poem. I like how in each section you highlight things that people think the most about during autumn. In just a short poem in evokes all of autumn, but yet there's a small reminder at the end of each section that autumn won't last, that winter is coming. I really like it. I can't find anything in this poem where you could improve.
I think this poem is great for showing how difficult it is for couples that are apart due to war. It's touching and real at the same time. My only comments are that the line starting with "to keep her husband safe" should have the "to" capitalized because it is the start of another sentence. The other comment is that the line with "But she cant," the cant should be can't. Otherwise, great job. It's a good poem.
This is a good story that leads you down a sad and dark path that unfortunately people have taken. I like how you start it with how the person was happy and carefree and slowly explain how it degrades because of outside pressure. I like it, but there are a few tips I can give you to enhance your writing. One thing you can do is read through it again for errors such as soil vs. soul (not sure which one you meant), to vs. too, whats vs. what's, etc. The other thing is to go through each sentence and see if you want it to be a telling sentence versus a showing sentence. Telling sentences blatantly tell the reader what was going on, for example: The girl ran fast. A showing sentence would be: The girl pumped her legs like a windmill in a storm, propelling herself toward her destination.
Overall, I really like how you lead the reader down the spiraling path of this person throughout her life. There's only a few changes you could make to make the story stronger.
I really like this sample that you've put up. I've read a lot of fantasy since its my favorite genre both to read and to write in, but so far from what I've read this is pretty unique. You've taken a fantasy world, added science to it, and presented it in a form of a journal. I really like that. The type of speech that you are using hints at a medieval time period in a fantastical world that sounds like it's well developed. You've also captured the obsessiveness of a scientist in their logs and constant dwelling on whatever it is that they are studying. Overall it's very well written and very good.
You make some awesome points. I myself have debated a lot of the issues that you mention in your writing. You clearly articulate your thoughts and make points that leaves the reader thinking about what you have said. Based on your topic, your writing could have easily turned into a rant, but instead you've taken the issues that you have seen in the world and have found a way to make your points without rambling. The opening ending questions especially cause the reader to look at not just the various societies of the world, but causes them to look at themselves as well. You're brutally honest in your writing and your passion and frustration at human society shines through your writing. My only criticism is that you maybe take out the "heck" here and there. If you want this piece of writing to be more than a musing, it keeps it sounding less like a speech and more like a philosophical piece of writing. Overall, great job. :)
I like how you describe the ocean and the way that the sand castle is described as it is constructed. One thing I wonder about is if you were trying to use a single line for emphasis. The stings on the third line seems a little awkward like it should be above with the line ahead of it. It just seems to flow a little better when "the wind whipping wetly stings" is put all together. The very first line is very strong, it really makes the reader focus on the Ocean and imagine the ocean going on and on into infinity as it looks from the shore. Of course its only my opinion about the second and third line, but I just thought I'd mention it. I also like how you used azure to describe the boy's blue eyes. Its much stronger than using blue and it makes his eyes pop and stand out in my head. Overall, good imagery and description. I enjoyed it.
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