An interesting and entertaining story, although it started off differently than I might have expected.
A vivid but not gruesome description of the battle which occurred. Well developed passions are made to be understood between key character.
It did strike me as slightly odd that each kingdom shares a name with their king, especially on the human side. Likewise that the castle of the elves shares the name of king and country. Although in this fantasy world, perhaps it is the way of this world.
-------------- Technical Issues --------------
them to be together but they found ways to meet. Midnight rendezvous outside the
Simply a minor spelling issue.
Tonight, and only tonight, I wish you to be away from me. If only for my sake. Please, my love, ease my heart. Be off at the change of the guards.
"If only for my sake." while it makes sense in context, is not a complete sentence. Although it is part of a conversation, and in conversation incomplete sentences and improper grammar can be acceptable as they set aspects of the speaking character's persona.
In the sentence "Please my love, ease my heart." My love represents a person to whom the princess is speaking. As such, proper form is to separate the 'name' from the rest of the sentence with commas.
and he had learned to ywield the blade like it was one with his arm.
"Until our next meeting , my love,"
"I can explain, my lord," Rowean began.
"Step aside, Rowean," the king said. "Let us deal with this beast that has tainted you."
"Do not fight this. I am not worthy of you. And yYet, I am now and forever tied to you by bonds that no one may break.
Proper grammar does not permit starting a sentence with "And" As with the earlier issue of improper grammar, this also can be permitted within a conversation if it is deliberately done for the character of the speaker.
With lightning fast speed, Darius sprung past Rowean
The remaining two raised their weapons
glint of refracted moonlight and knew immediately what it was.
The armor of knights was unmistakable to him. But these knights were different from the elvin knights he had just eluded.
The rules surrounding the use of but are basically the same as those for and. As such, you might consider either removing but altogether, or connecting the two sentences together keeping but as the conjunction between the two.
His kingdom had become powerful and his rule feared. But no one would have ever thought he would march on Morgalis
Refer to the previous regarding but.
Their magics, weapons, and armor
If by magic you are referring to many magic effects, there is nothing wrong with this use of magics. If you are referring to all of the magic as one whole, then magic would be the better selection.
In a list of item; each is separated by commas except the last in which case and replaces the comma.
"Rise sir Darius and protect my daughter."
Sir, as a title would be a part of the proper name. As such, it too should be capitalized.
Grazan roared with anger and came at Darius. He dodged or blocked the attacks and tried to deliver his own blows, that Grazan easily brushed aside, Just as the battle around them, they raged on more fiercely with every passing moment. The two were locked in the deadliest of games, and the winner would take all.
Just a thought here, but this might work better if the action is broken to shorter sentences, more conducive to the rapid action found in such a battle. For example:
He dodged or blocked the attack. He landed several of his own blows. Grazan easily brushed them aside.
Parry, thrust, dodge, swing.
Consistent with the rapid action, you might consider making each of the four actions their own sentence.
And One of that race, he would soon marry. And Their rule together would be more peaceful than any other of that age.
I do not mean to harp on the same subject, only to point out where the same item occurs again. |
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