I like it. I didn't find any thing wrong with your grammar. You had me wondering about fizz, but you described it in the second paragraph. You elevated fizz above relationship. -Interesting.
The story drove me crazy - probably your goal -lol I kept reading because I was so compelled to find out the source of the sound. Maybe I'm crazy like Fred. I jotted down some specific items - praises and suggestions.
"That's great ... Mr. Ryan - That statement showed me right away her personality - great.
Am I in the dean's office? - Showed me where his thought were. - great
The apartment was even more spacious than I remembered. He was in this room before? It was confusing
It went away while I was trying to determine its source Just write: It went away (the other is implied)
only five minutes of my half hour left – take off “of my half hour”
I looked around for a hidden camera. I love that!
gremlins hiding in the boxes – It shows more of his personality – I like it.
I didn't remember hearing it after the accident. –confusing
The sound attacked me – The tension rises - I like it!
"Sorry for ... whatever happened here," –Doesn’t seem like someone would say this.
Do you stay up nights trying to come up with new ways to embarrass us? I love it!
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