I think you have a very special use of vocabulary. The way you discribe 'commerce has yet to commence" really makes me think about the way this neighborhood. I really get the cold, iciness of it all, as well. I think your long sentences would be even more effective if you interspersed some short, choppy ones into it as well. This may also make the reader feel how brittle and cold it is, and how the thoughts of the narrator may be smooth, but also have short bursts of ringing thought brought on by the weather.
I very much enjoyed reading this, even though it was only a paragraph. If you have anything more to write, please do and let me know, so that I may read it!
Good repetition of the first stanza/last stanza. It really ties to poem into itself.
The second stanza has a great second line: "erodes my thoughts." I think that thought is something everyone feels in this situation. Can you explore that more? Perhaps in another poem, if you think this one is perfect and intact the way it is. That erosion is something you could do a lot with with your use of repetition.
The dominant impression I get from this is one of longing, as if the narrator is pursuing/traveling towards this woman.
The first stanza appears to be one of emerging from a deep sleep or death, which is quite romantic since the woman is she who pulls him through it.
Again in the second stanza, we see this theme of death (from the heavens, memories being what the person's mind revolves around, etc).
And then in the third stanza, I see where the narrator wants this woman, craves her, but I think that third line is a little ambiguous. Isn't he "in the heavens" already in his mind? If so, wouldn't he reach OUT?
This is only a small thought on an otherwise very sweet and romantic poem. Nice job.
I like the overall concept of this story. I love the futuristic idea of a "feed" that is implanted (your AZ idea). I get the term "feed" from the book with the same title. It's important to try and branch out with new ideas, and I think you have a few interesting ones. I enjoyed hearing about the interrogation of John by Courtney and Carolyn.
However, I think that some of the dialogue is a little stiff. John gives detailed conversations at the beginning, including saying "Right back," when he goes to get a beer. However, later on we don't get vital conversations. Why does he like Carolyn. Can you give some specific words between the couple that makes the reader enjoy their relationship?
Unfortunately this idea of 2012 is also not new. I see how you wanted to incorporate the idea of the end of the world as a culmination of events, with 2012 towards the beginning. I like that the strain of the flu affected those with the AZ feed. That was very interesting.
Overall, I like this concept. I think some character development (with dialogue and descriptions of what makes the characters SPECIAL) will really help!
If you would like to review my work as well, it would be greatly appreciated!
Good Luck!
Raquel
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