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70 Public Reviews Given
70 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Closet Door  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This review is being submitted on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!


Raptorsnribbons,

First Impression:: Wonderfully intriguing! I'm dying to know more. I usually write my 'first impression' down after reading it only once, but I got so sucked into the story that I was on my third read before I realized that I hadn't written down my first impression yet! I found your unnamed character both unique and easy to relate to at the same time. And his/her condition (paranoia?) is endlessly interesting.

What Worked::
I was surprised to find I really liked the unique way you used indentation and paragraphs. Usually I find things like that distracting, but you seemed to have a rhyme and a reason to it, and it actually furthered the reader's understanding of your meaning. Very creative and stylish! Also, I like how you seem to be jotting down the character's thoughts as they come. People rarely think in a straight line, and likewise your character doesn't either. It's realistic and makes the character all the more believable. Nice work!

Suggestions::
If I understood your meaning correctly, the aim of the story wasn't really the door at all. It had more to do with the character's condition and the way the world perceives it. Whether or not the tapping on the door is real, the fear that the character feels when he/she hears it doesn't change. And I sensed that you were trying to bring to light the fact that just because something is 'all in your head' doesn't mean it isn't scary. I had to read the story several times to grasp this theme. Perhaps if you went into a little more depth towards the beginning when the character says 'I'll hear what I want to hear, is the explanation I've been told.' you could illustrate the theme a bit more. I'd also like to know how the character feels emotionally about society's view of his/her fears. Just something to consider *Smile*.

Favorite Part::
'I secured the doorstop beneath the door- just in case. I really hated ‘just in case’ because it meant that it could be the case; that I needed a backup plan at all, especially one so apt to fail.'

I really liked how, in a stressful situation like this one, the character is contemplating their dislike of a certain phrase. It made me chuckle, and shed some more light on your mysterious character's personality.

I hope you found my suggestions helpful! Please keep in mind that these are just my humble opinions and that you will always know what is best for your piece.

Write On!
-Chandler

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Review of " Cultivation"  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.*UmbrellaR*

Unanimous,

First Impression:: It was really inspiring and well-written! I felt enlightened (if that makes sense) by the time I finished reading. I think you did a very excellent job of getting your message across, and as a reader I think that I truly did understand.

What Worked::
I love the alliteration in the first couple stanzas. They really catch your attention in the very beginning. Another thing I really liked was the upbeat and optimistic tempo the poem seemed to have. You jump right into cleansing and redemtion before you go into the 'tainted ideas' that needed to be cleansed in the first place. It had a nice mechanical flow to it, as well as a wonderful moral message. And you incorporated the two into each other as well.

Suggestions::
The poem seems to have a rising and falling action. The first three couplets prophesize the peace that will be found in the last three couplets, and the three stanzas in the middle serve as the climax. Perhaps if you played up this climax a bit you could really leave an impact on the reader. You appeal to the rational, rather than emotional, side of the brain. I think adding a section in the middle aimed at the emotions would be really powerful.

Favorite Part::
I'm going to have to say the last few lines:

'Sow your seeds of wisdom
in barren fields.

Together we can feed the hungry.'

A great ending to a great piece! It gives a nice sense of completion, like putting a bow on the top of a beautifully wrapped package.

I hope you found my suggestions helpful! Please keep in mind that these are simply my humble opinions and that you will always know what is best for your work.

Write On!
-Chandler

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*Candlev*
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3
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Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.*UmbrellaR*

Bon,

To be perfectly honest, I found that the shortness of the paragraphs was distracting and difficult to get used to. But other than that it flowed nicely and had a nice mood and tone. I liked your characters, they were quite easy to relate to. And of course the story was a unique and interesting one! I would have liked to know where Marnie stood in her grieving process. Brad mentions that he feels like he's lost her and that she doesn't talk to him anymore, yet she took her therapist's advice and celebrated Halloween. She even managed to enjoy it. Also, the reader is still picturing the parents behind the kids when Marnie noticed her son's eyes. It would probably be better if you described the child in question, maybe have something about his costume pique her interest?

I loved the ending. It was just a simple sentence, and yet all that the reader needed to know was there. I hope you find my suggestions helpful. And remember, they are nothing more than my opinions and you will always know what is best for your work.

Write on!
-Chandler


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Review of Words on a page  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.*UmbrellaR*

Sil,

Before I begin, let me tell you that I review the way that I would prefer to be reviewed. So, you will either absolutely love or seriously hate my reviewing style. But however you feel about it, please keep in mind that my purpose is to improve your work. Also, my opinions are just that, opinions. And with that, I begin:

Very lovely work! I like the way your lines have an odd number of syllables, so that it can't be tied to any specific meter. Some lines, however, do not follow this pattern. Also, the purpose of the hyphens in stanza 5, line 2 is unclear to me, and might be to other readers as well. I love the way you talk about remembering tomorrow's ending. Should be impossible right? Not for writers! Very nice ending touch. And my final piece of advice is that you add the word 'only' to the last stanza. '...remembered only as long as there are...' <-I feel like this conveys your meaning a bit better. You might have to switch the lines around to keep with the flow, but you would know better than I.

Note:
Stanza 6, line 2: even number of syllables. Something like 'in captivity' might be better. Again, you know best!

Thank you for this inspiring work. Very nicely done.

-Chandler


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5
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.*UmbrellaR*

Dollzell,

Very heartfelt and real, filled to the brim with emotions - perhaps even spilling over a bit - this piece is truly artwork! Everyone, men and women alike, knows what it's like to grieve irrationally for lost love. There's something so real within your words, like the speaker's emotions are tangible and you could reach out and touch them if you wanted to. Maybe I'm not explaining it right... But anyway, this is a very, very moving piece.

My nit-pickier side, as always, begs to be released.
1st stanza- again/pain
3rd stanza- for you/echo,, more/cure
4th stanza- answer/ I swear
6th stanza- help it/perfect

Other than that though I think you nailed this! Write on!

-Chandler


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Review of Freedom  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.*UmbrellaR*
Devin,

This poem really spoke to me. You put into words an idea that everyone can understand, yet no one can quite name. And I salute you for that in itself. I also like your use of one-word lines. It's very unique and fresh.

As for the end, I like it how it is! The only way I could imagine it better is if you posed a challenge to the reader. Yes, we need to be free of ourselves, but will we ever really do it?

This is inspiring. I really enjoyed reading it and I like your relaxed and unique style. I would really love to read more of your work, so I'm off to your port now!

Keep writing!
-Chandler


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Review of The Kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.*UmbrellaR*


Joey C,

I liked how you made an effort to really get into depth about the characters, their personalities as well as the practical things about their lives. You painted the scene just as thoroughly so that the reader had no problem visualizing it. Sherry's little group is very diverse, which could make for some very fun times. I like the Sherry/Lori dynamic and how they're like partners in crime.

Even though it makes it more interesting to have a diverse group, it is slightly unrealistic. Any group of people need something that ties them together, something they all have in common. Strong past bonds may not be enough, something current would be much more realistic. For example, when I was growing up, my parents' little circle of friends consisted of people on the neighborhood tennis team with them.

As for the style, it was good until the characters started speaking. I just didn't believe it. People just don't talk like that. I would suggest listening in on conversations the next time your at the grocery store or in line for coffee. Sure, it might be a slight invasion of privacy, but I'm sure they would be honored to have a handle in your work.

Your characters are funny and very easy to relate to. I was transported back in time to Superbowl parties my parents had held over the years! I would definitely hop on board to read more of Sherry's 'antics'.

Best of luck with your project,
Chandler
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Review of Alone In Silence  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked the message you conveyed and the emotions you brought to light. The flow is a little bumpy in places, for example the first stanza, and that is why I gave you a 4.5. But other than that this is a very well done piece.

-Chandler
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Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I found a few grammatical errors, but I'm sure you get plenty of reviews about them so I won't bother you with them. I liked the story, but I found the emotinal side of it lacking. I couldn't feel what she felt, which is an essential part of a writing like this. As for the story line, it was excellent, and the way you presented it was very nice as well. Have you ever thought of writing in first-person? I think it might be the little push your writing style needs to force the reader into your heroine's (or hero's) shoes. What worked for me was writing in present tense rather than past. It allows me to take the reader on a more personal journey with my heroine (or hero), and made a world of difference in my writing. Best of luck to you, and I have high hopes for your writing.
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Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The flow of this story is really wonderful. Even with the time breaks it moves fluidly from one image to the next. The only time you lost me was when Ralph dies. The threat Jared hurls at Navako doesn't seem to fit with the struggle that follows, at least not for me. It seems to me that if he were angry enough to kill the Doctor, he wouldn't say something that implies he is offering another chance. Also, the relationships between the characters is unclear to me. If this is intentional, please disregard that. But if we are intended to understand things like the role each of the characters play in the excursion and just how well they know each other, I'm afraid to say that I did not catch it. But that is the extent of my constructive critisism.
Like I said earlier, the flow of the story is almost flawless, which I personally find difficult to do. Another thing I really liked about this was the moral lesson it provides, a warning against the dangers of greed. It is subtle, given that the hero is the one who is greed-driven and thinks himself in the right for most of the story, but still seems to slap you in the face. The characters were developed well and protrayed excellently, for a story this short. My overall impression is that it is a very well thought out piece, and I enjoyed reading it.
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Review of The Messiah  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Simple. I think that's what makes it so powerful. You didn't use fancy words or colorful descriptions. You brought readers nothing but the facts, and yet we are moved. As a writer who relies on the more complex elements of writing, I envy your simplistic style and your ability to make it work for you. Keep it up, I am a fan.
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Review of Home, Part 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Bravo! You mentioned in the Review Request forum that you wanted to know how you did with the style, which you were unfarmiliar with. I thought you pulled it off flawlessly. It was entertaining and very fun to read. I was sad when it ended. The characters are very well thought out and the world you created is an interesting and new one (even though it's old, it's new) and I can't wait to explore more of it. Very nice work. 5 out of 5 stars. I'll be back for parts 2 and 3.
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Review of Fifty Seconds  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
To be honest, I loved it. It was not only passionate and moving, it was bold and real. The only things I would comment on are technical ones. You switch between present and past tense and the flow is a little choppy in some places, but those things don't take away from the brilliance of this piece. And to top it all off, it ends on a happy note, with the heroine carrying on, knowing her parents will always be a part of her. Very nice work.
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Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is beautiful and insiping. All we can really ask of God is that His will be done, and that He use us to do it. The last line made me smile. Really powerful stuff, keep it up :)
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Review of Unborn Nations  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I really liked this poem. It's a bold choice to choose such a controversial topic, and I commend you for that. I like how you don't discredit the mother's hardships, and even paint a hopeful future for her. The flow of the poem is easy to get swept away in: smooth, gentle, quick. I am definitely a fan.
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Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I feel like emotionally, this poem is dynamic and intricate. You hide your true meaning behind colorful metaphors and half-finished thought processes, giving the poem a mysterious edge to it. It's the kind of poem that everyone takes something different away from, the true sign of a great work. However, at the same time, some of the images you paint are hard to picture, which creates a little bump in the emotional road you take readers on. Keep in mind that a metaphor has a literal meaning as well as a hidden one, and make sure both meanings make sense. I really enjoyed reading this, and I would love to read more.
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Review of I am....  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This piece is powerful. Grief is powerful, and I can feel her grief between the lines. The depiction of her stages of depression rings with the accuracy that only one who has been through them can write. But the message that I got from this was not one of sadness, but of hope. 'I am sad, but I am alive.' I have nothing bad to say, excellent work.
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Review of Whisper Of A Name  Open in new Window.
Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I would first like to point out that I am not religious at all. I would then like to point out that I was extremely moved. The way you used foreshadowing was perfect. It wasn't glaringly obvious to the point where you figure the protagonist must be crazy if he/she hasn't figured it out yet, but it wasn't so subtle that you couldn't pick up on it. The ending really brought the whole story together and resolved it flawlessly. The only constructive critisism I can think of is that you could have developed Azra'il's character a little more. To me she had a slightly two-dimensional feel in the beginnning of the story. But even that little fault I had to search to find. Great work.
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Review by Chandler Harp Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
I liked the opening, but it didn't have much to do with the main plot of the story, which was contained almost entirely in the last paragraph. In my personal opinion, there is the backbone for a very entertaining story here but it is far from a complete work.
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