Wow. You were really able to sweep me into this new world skillfully. I was completely transfixed toward the end.
Only if it helps, I did notice that there were a couple of places toward the beginning where you could cut out some words that start to seem repetitive without hurting the flow of your story. By paragraph 4, I think you may not need to go into as much depth as "flying tree to tree, branch to branch". But, really, I am amazed at how you were able to paint a picture of this new world so easily and fluidly.
I love how you started this story. It is very engaging. The dialogue could use some work. I was lost (in a good way) in what was happening in the first paragraph or two, and then the dialogue brought me back to. I also think that you can edit some of the paragraph about knights training.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rdoherty789
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 5:20pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
