Wow! That's a powerful story. I can picture the neighborhood, even though I go out of my way to avoid Chicago itself. I was really hoping that Damian would take at least a minor step in the right direction, and in the end he did. And that visualization of one of the flies escaping the spider's web? I loved that.
It must be tough writing street slang in a readable way, but you seem to have done so pretty well. There's a small typo: "Slowly he got up, his legs stretching out baring", did you mean "bearing" instead of "baring"?
I love it! It sets a clear stage to understand the foundation of the central premise, it clearly shows how the premise develops, and it shows an interesting final development.
I think it might be just a touch more efficient if the passage "Friedler recognised the voice as belonging to Karl, the boy was one of his less gifted lab rats." was rendered as "Friedler recognised the voice as belonging to Karl, one of his less gifted lab rats." The phrase "the boy was" feels like it's unnecessary.
I found this amusing, but way too short. It could serve as the basis for a really entertaining episode. THe interaction between the characters is cool.
The only techical criticism I can offer is that the things that stop a car are "brakes", not "breaks".
As for content, I'd like to learn how the body came to be under the jeep, and how they plan to get him out.
This is a very powerful message. I wish more people would think of this. I wish more people would give some thought to the importance of dealing in a civil fashion with everyone.
Suggestions:
You might want to wrap your title line with and tags to set it off.
Overall, I'd suggest watching your use of quotation symbols. You are mixing " and ' characters, but it looks like all you need is ". I still remember my high school English teacher giving me grief for that myself! He told me to only use ' if I am embedding a quotation within another quotation.
Second paragraph: Perhaps a comma between "father" and "aged"? "often remained ill" feels a little bit rough; maybe "was often ill"? First word of last sentence missing capitalization.
Fifth paragraph: "give a patient hearing to you" feels unnatural. "listen to you", maybe?
Seventh paragraph: ‘I am getting late' -> "It is getting late", "take rest" -> "get some rest",
"He went out of the house stalking" -> "He went out of the house angrily"
Eighth paragraph: "One by one" and "one day" clash somewhat. Maybe something such as "Days passed, and his father passed away".
"flooding messages for their parents via media" might be a little clearer as "flooding the media with messages for their parents".
Ninth paragraph: "He was not good to me in his youth" - I think you meant "He was not good to me in my youth".
Tenth paragraph: "authenticate your conduct" - I think you mean "excuse" or "validate" in place of "authenticate".
Final paragraph: "maybe" needs to be "may be". "father's day" probably wants to be written as "Father's Day" and "Mother's day" as "Mother's Day" (at least in the US, both words are capitalized).
These are all minor points. Your work has passion and impact, and conveys a powerful message.
Paragraph two: "not wanting collide" - missing "to". Skylie's teacher is referred to as Mrs. Reynolds, while later she is called Ms Reynolds. Is this variation intentional?
Fifth paragraph following "Cole Brent": Use of "class" is a little confusing. Fifth class, divided into three classes? Would that perhaps be clearer if they were divided into three subclasses, or three groups, or three tracks?
Even with these items, this was an entertaining read. I look forward to reading more.
This brief story expresses well your feelings of unease, but it leaves some questions unanswered. Who is Keith, and why are his words important to you?
In the second paragraph, you wrote "your fillet turns on you". I'm sorry, but I don't understand that. Could that sentence be reworked?
In general, a spellchecker might be of some assistance. Nothing that shouts "Ignore Me!", but misspellings such as "creped" do have a negative impact.
Finally, I'd like to know more about your experiences. I personally would like to hear a little more detail, a few more examples, some history about how your dislike of the radk has manisfested itself before.
Overall, I liked your story.
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| (4.5)
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