The Hook
You might want to start the story with some hint of what the central conflict is (the death of a friend at such a young age and the subsequent haunting). Since the story is written in past-tense, you might think about, perhaps, a single line or paragraph in present tense that conveys how Ellen misses Rae now that the haunting is over. Be careful not to give the whole ending away though!
The Setting
The bulk of the story takes place inside Ellen’s house, specifically in her room. However, there is little description of that room, nor of the school or funeral home. You might want to have Ellen look around and capture a description of each setting from her perspective, what she sees. Bring the reader into the room with Ellen.
The Character(s)
I like the premise that the two girls were drawn together by a shared sense of humor. This establishes both of them as likeable, simply because everyone appreciates humor and enjoys a good laugh, so readers will identify with the characters. It’s important, though, to keep the reader compassionate throughout. When Ellen tells her mother, Just shut up! – even though she’s certainly lashing out in pain, it’s a little over the top. I would recommend deleting that and moving “Don’t talk about God!” to the beginning of that paragraph instead.
The Dialogue
The dialogue was good! Be careful, though, about punctuating your dialogue tags. Remember that if the tag comes after the quote, there should be a comma and no capitalization. Review the story carefully, as there are quite a few instances of this.
The Conflict
I love haunting stories, especially ones that are endearing, like this. The death of such a young child is a source of raw emotion, and you have captured Ellen’s reaction well.
The Resolution
I like the premise that the original “curse” was what kept Rae around, and the separation of the two friends at the end was handled well.
“NO!” Ellen screamed. She dropped the phone. She ran around, screaming, “NO! It can’t…she can’t be gone” (I’d put an exclamation point at the end, though)
All she heard was a little, quiet tinkling noise, barely audible over the rustling of the leaves in the harsh November wind.
But Ellen swears that on quiet nights she can hear tinkling noises in her room.
and RaeAnna had waist length red hair and kind green eyes.
Make “waist length” hyphenated. Waist-length.
It couldn’t be her moms voice, it was much to sweet.
Change “to,” which should be “too.”
After her mom had tucked Ellen in that night, And had left the room, Ellen tried calling Rae again.
Uncapitalize “and.” Also, remove the comma after “night.”
“Sure, I’ll tell you one!” Ellen said loudly. One joke led to another, and another, but that one special joke was never told.
I would remove “but that one special joke was never told.” It’s too much of a hint to the ending.
No, I wasn…..oh, yes, you must be right, mom” Ellen said sarcastically.
Remember that an ellipsis (dots to indicate a pause) is composed of only three dots. When indicating that a word or sentence is cut off, use a dash instead.
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