This item is clear, concise and even more important - it is highly informative!
I really enjoyed your clever hook in the opening paragraph:
If knowledge is power, then your Extended Item Statistics are the nuclear reactors of your portfolio.
Even though it is filled to the brim with information, none of it gets lost in the shuffle because of the clear and concise formatting.
I saw no grammatic or punctuation errors.
Even though it is a work in progress (per As we receive more questions regarding the Extended Statistics, we will add and answer them here) it answered all my questions and more concerning extended statistics.
Errors & Solutions: I really didn't see any. I do suggest that you put the phrases that are in parenthasis in italics (or bold, whatever the effect that you are going for here) to set them apart from the rest of the piece.
What I liked/disliked: I love the phrasing in parenthasis. It played like background whispers in my head
Overall Comments: You might want to tighten up the wording and rhythym in this piece. Just to polish it up I noticed it in only a couple places
Errors & Solutions: This: your * Should be: you're
Zip through for spelling errors (and missing commas, that a spell check would miss. Here are a few examples.
This: to do it
Should be: to do is
This: It's facinating
Should be: It's fascinating,
What I liked/disliked: The formatting was okay (check through for text being wrapped some times and not others), but since the SM has created some great emoticons you might want to update this piece, and take advantage of some bullet points (or whatever) instead of the dashes.
In this section: "If you like other people's ideas for stories" it sounds reeeeealy close to copying someone else's work (and you want to be careful giving someone - especially if they are young and inexperienced in the writing arena - this advice). Maybe suggest: If you like an idea already out there, give it a new twist! Most things aren't original ideas, only the old recreated with new settings/ideas/twists/characters etc.
Overall Comments: You might want to mention to check the thrift stores for baby name books, to save money. I just bought a great one (AND I already have some!) that lists names through the ages. Nice job, Bernie
Errors & Solutions: I think these sentences would be better served if you were to separate them and punctuate them with question marks: are they coming back from the barn, did a coyote get one if they were late coming back to the house, did one get into the farmers mower.
Also, you might want to change this one around: did a coyote get one if they were late coming back to the house
TO THIS: If they were late coming back to the house,
did a coyote get one?
What I liked/disliked: I liked the addition of the picture. It really helps to bring the play area to life
Overall Comments: I'm glad you shared this, my sister might want to use this idea With three little ones, it's hard to keep track of cats zipping into the backyard with them.
Bravo! It is wonderful to see someone supporting another in unfair circumstances. Especially when it seems so many in the organization are against him.
Errors & Solutions:
"to" isn't needed here: life to raising
Maybe mention some of the "petty guidelines" he didn't follow that are in the public record. That way, we can fully understand the unfairness and stand with you, albeit in spirit, in his defense.
What I liked/disliked:
I think this: dedicated 10 years - a decade -
Would have more impact as this: dedicated a decade
I loved the intense emotion that showed in every paragraph.
Overall Comments: You might want to go through (and this may not be something you care to do, since this is a letter I believe has been sent already, but I wanted to offer the suggestion) and tighten up here and there. EX: And now, without CAN READ: Now, without
This was well said and I hope they rectified the situation with Isaac.
I've read three things in a row, in your port today, and I think this gives me the best picture of you. Not the kind and caring angel or the silliness that you infect in others, like a mutant cold. Yes, you are all these things, but there's more. You are more real, now. You have a past and pain, like the rest of us. Does that make any sense whatsoever? LOL
Errors & Solutions: I couldn't find any. I was mesmerized by the depth of feeling bubbling up through the words.
What I liked/disliked: I liked this glimpse into your private thoughts. I got flashes of the movie "A River Runs Through It." Must be the fly fishing references
Overall Comments: I wish I was at the convention with you now. I want to give you a big bear hug. You can have a rain check. I give good ones. Maybe next year?
Errors & Solutions: Commas. Check over your item. It needs commas in several places. (I still miss some in mine, lol)
This: decided to go the pro * Should be: decided to go to the pro
I'd mention what song to add dimension to this line: whistling an upbeat song
This: stores name * Should be: store's name
Zip through for a spell and grammar check
What I liked/disliked: Loved this part: He envisioned being kissed by the beautiful blonde at the bowling alley... Oops that's another story altogether.
Overall Comments: I'd tighten up this piece.
EX: Up ahead on the left he can see the huge bowling pin hanging up with the stores name on it. It reads "Peter's Pro Shop".
CAN BECOME: Ahead on the left, he can see the huge bowling pin hanging next to "Peter's Pro Shop" in glowing neon.
With some editing this could become a wonder story!
Good list, I'm looking forward to any updates (as time allows, of course )
Errors & Solutions: I'd also mention that some spyware programs (aka parasites) are even more dangerous than annoying. They will try to steal your personal information. (ie. credit card numbers, bank accounts, passwords, etc.)
I'd also mention what FTP stands for. Just for the education it would serve. File Transfer Protocol, I think, but I'm no expert. (Self taught )
I'd try to eliminate one of the "FTP" in this sentence: The following FTP is an excellent FTP program
What I liked/disliked: I liked it all. Nothing to add from the above suggestions.
Overall Comments: This is a functional item that any new computer user would find useful. Wish I'd had it when I got my computer 3 years ago! Learned the hard way, lol.
I really felt like I got to know this wonderful man.
Errors & Solutions: I think this should be capatalized: kools.
I believe this: styrophone, should be: styrofoam.
This: at the dinner - might read better as: at dinner.
I'd cut the "so" out of this: was so extremely excited
What I liked/disliked: Loved this line: With 20 rows and 10 columns, he could still point to a specific CD in an instant... he was like a walking Excel sheet.
Overall Comments: You've brought a man I never met, into a full three dimensional person. I lost my grandfather in '92 and my grandmother (with whom I was very close) in 2001. (((BIG HUGS)))
This is as good now as it was when I read it in the newsletter.
Errors & Solutions: Okay, I hate not being able to give any suggestions. In fact, I almost chose not to review this for that very reason. However, I didn't want to miss an opportunity to post this in the public review forum, so that others (who didn't see it in the newsletter) could benefit from it.
What I liked/disliked: I liked it all. From the format to the content to the links and closer. My favorite was the mention of not just grammar but content to be added to a functional review.
Overall Comments: I've been lax in my reviewing, of late. I've been newly inspired by the convention pirates contest and this piece. Thanks!
Errors & Solutions: The only thing I can add is BABY WIPES! I know it sounds strange, but if a shower isn't an option those are the next best thing, according to my hubby.
What I liked/disliked: I love seeing people support those who put their lives on the line for the rest of us. I know for a fact they appreciate it. Thank you!
Overall Comments: Once again I am impressed by the kindness and generosity of both you and the SM.
My suggestions for your story (take or leave them :
This: He was very sad.
TO this: This made him very sad.
This: He traveled hither and yon.
TO: I'd expand this and give him an adventure hither and yon. Who else did he talk to and what else did he find? Why wouldn't it work? Then have him end up with the moon. Have fun with it! :)
This: The boy had a stuffed animal, a dog dressed in a wizard outfit. He called it Wiz.
TO this: I'd edit this out and start with the dog hearing his cries. You can add who and what he is and how he is dressed through out the story. (EX. I'd begin with WHO he is in this paragraph. Maybe: His favorite stuffed animal, Wiz, heard the boy crying night after night...)
Good opener, you draw the reader to wonder what happens next with the first line. I can't wait to see how you expand on this (if you choose to, that is) :) Let me know if you ever do!
Great imagery and metaphor here! Jobe well done :) The only suggestion I have is about the flow. It seems a bit off for me, otherwise an excellent piece! :)
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 7:46am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
)
