Hello there! I'm still rather new to this site. I review by writing out my reactions as I read along, so each point is in chronological order.
-in the first paragraph, 'retired' has two i's in it
- when he says old habits die hard, it makes me a little confused which habit, exactly, he's talking about. Sleeping with women he doesn't really know, or waking early? I'm going to assume the latter
- " when I heard something I almost never hear anymore " i dunno, this seems awkward and wordsy to me. I'm a stickler for repetition, myself, and so having 'heard' and then 'hear' one after another stresses me out. I think if you say simply "When something rare happened--a knock at my door" you still get your point across in a cleaner way
- what in the world is a professional bean counter? hahaha i'm extremely interested to hear his backstory now
- "“Come on in, man." kind of seems like a man who is old (judging by the first paragraph) wouldn't refer to an old friend as "man". seems too young and carefree
- and now he said "dude". Same thing, seems way too young for a retired man--whether or not he retired early :/
- "with a chick" ... yeah this characters dialogue so far says he's twenty years old but he was described as an older guy earlier on. It's not matching up and is kind of confusing me. Even if he's a youngish old guy, he's still speaking way younger than his generation. I'll leave it at that
- You went from first to third person soon after, when easton asks to get food somewhere
- "So, my friend, how would you like to live on a different planet?" this was very sudden, he went from an in-depth articulate review of what had been going on to a light and casual request
- right after that, you said their food comes before he has the "change" to answer, instead of "chance"
- that paragraph where Easton is explaining why red is a good canditate...consoritium this, consortium that, consortium everywhere! Use a different word for it. "We", "My bosses" "the group", something other than the same word over and over--we know who you're talking about after the first time you mention it, so the second and third need something different
- "Let’s walk back to my place and talk some more" seems like an out. Don't give them an excuse to suddenly be somewhere else, it's too jumpy and sudden. Rather, have him toss a few bills on the table, wipe his mouth, and then suggest they head back to his place before miss redhead wakes up.
- last sentence, i feel that ! should be an ; instead
--------------
Interesting read; you've developed a character that's not just an average joe but actually has some depth to him. It'll be interesting to see what happens on this new, strange world he's going to colonize. Don't rush your work, learn to let it flow and let things happen at a natural pace. Your characterization is very good, but it seems like some tinkering could be done in your settings. In that regard I write similarly to you--I have problems offering descriptions of what people look like, what houses look like, what the weather happens to be...but when i reread my work it feels bland and tasteless. I'll usually write how it feels comfortable, then go back and add in splashes of description as i reread.
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
