I like your poem.
Fav Line: "It makes me feel like I'm losing my soul."
Corrections in red.
I recommend centering.
And, always use the capital "I" instead of the lowercase "i".
I also recommend the "comic" font.
A mask I wear so hard to breathe
Just so no one would know
What's underneath
It's not just any mask that I wear
People ask.
People ask if I'm okay.
I can’t explain what's going on, so I would just glare
And that would give them a scare.
Lately all my mind has been saying is “be aware”
I wanna take off the mask
I wanna talk to someone
But who’s fake, and who's real?
It messes with my mind so
I put on the mask.
It makes me feel so low.
It makes me feel so slow
It makes me feel like I'm losing my soul. I'll take off the mask one day, but for now
A mask I wear so hard to breathe
Just so no one would know
What's underneath
Welcome to Writing.Com. Writer X. I hope you find contentment here.
WdC offers members the opportunity to write and share that writing with others. Some of us may even read and give you an honest review that may help you improve your writing.
The story is nice but the typos and descriptions did not help. I recommend getting free Grammarly and using it to help you with your writing.
Here are some of the things I found. They are persistent throughout the story.
________________________
It was a quiet day in the small town of Riverside(the names of places should always be capitalized). The snowflakes resembled sifted flour being carried by the wind toward their final destination (great imagery). Amanda was taking her usual path home after school as she walked. The aroma of strawberries and made the air taste of cotton candy. She follows the smell in the distance. A Fairy smiles for it has lured her into a fairy ring. Amanda’s head spins and falls to the ground, losing consciousness. When she wakes, she sees a bunch of odd-looking people in strange clothing (you don’t want to repeat words in the same sentence). They were bidding on stuff suddenly she was roughly thrown into a cage
“She’ll do nicely, thanks, Pip,” said a man with pointy ears dressed up in ringmaster’s attire. Amanda wished she knew what he was saying so she could scream at the man to free her. She fumed. (space between paragraphs should be consistent)
“Why so silent? Most people I buy fresh from the human world screams and shout at me.” (Again space)
Amanda uses sign language to say, “Gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m deaf!”
“I’m just going to ignore that.” (space between paragraphs should be consistent)
Said the man with a smile. He continued to talk the whole ride to the destination. Amanda couldn’t hear him nor read his lips because he was facing forwards. After two hours, there was a circus tent up ahead, and there were six crates.“Did Oliver misbehave again?” (Again space)
The man asked a woman with wings.
“Yes, he tried to use the portal.” (Again space)
Said the woman.“So I dismantled him” (Space again)
__________________________________
I hope this helps.
Funny story. Interesting view of the protagonist and her inner demons.
A few points to check:
1. If she had answered, her voice would've told on her; breaking and frail.
2. Hasn't mom heard of texting before?
3. Her hand has been tucked under her head for hours now. It's probably as good as a beef eye-round.
4. The room still smells of pizza sauce and damp cardboard, a dual sensory reminder of yet another screwup (or screw-up).
5. ... her voice would've told on her, breaking and frail.
6. She might've sobbed too and added embarrassment ...
7. Jane's eyes are swollen, and her vision is blurry,
8. Meanwhile, her cohorts are on a beach in Bali,
9. sporting Brazilian waxes and looking like bikini models.
Get Grammarly (free), it will help improve your writing.
Wow, Yeah, I would get rid of all the lines and bold.
1.I did not understand, "Feel is not right or wrong. It’s just feeling."
2. How does someone "get up slowly?" Maybe, "gradually, I got up?"
3. I would separate the paragraphs with space. Better to read.
Favorite line, "this body is made to feel and enjoy."
Otherwise, a nice short, encouragement to self-indulge. I liked the story.
The story had a good flow, but there are some things I noticed:
1. You should put a space between all paragraphs, not just some, it throws things off.
2. When you refer to certain things that are not common knowledge give your readers a break and explain what they mean (or are), maybe by the character making reference to them (I.e. "a bon mot").
3. That huge paragraph in the middle is daunting. I would consider breaking it up, and also instead of narrating have the characters talk out the content. That way is more enjoyable than the writer jumping into the story to narrate long explanations.
I am a pastor, and I really enjoyed your poem. I did have some questions, which will probably be answered by the fact that we all have a sort of license when we write poetry. If you look at my portfolio, you will see that I have written many poems. Some of them are here on WdC.
I wasn't sure how to figure out your poem. Clearly, it is a poem, but I failed to find some pattern. You know, maybe rhyme, count, emphasis, etc. It was a little loose and fun. It sounded like a first time poem, or as if you just threw it together. I do not mean anything bad about your subject as such, but as a writer of poetry myself, I wanted to catch on to something that motivated the poem. You know, like passion, heart, drive, something. But, it was fun.
Keep on writing, and I'd like to review some future stuff of yours if you don't mind.
God bless you - PastorJuan
Nice poem. I understand the loss of a loved one. I am 68 years old and have seen the death of my mother and three of my brothers. I sympathize with your loss as well.
There are some technical details to which you should pay attention, in order to improve your poem. First, in your "Brief Description," you said, "Losing my Mother made me feel lose as well." The word "lose" is "loss."
I have included some other corrections here as well. I hope this is helpful to you.
My mother "walked on water," (the quotations are so that you show that you are quoting the term and not actually claiming your mom did "walk" on the water for real, even though she very like was a good woman)
I cannot tell a lie.
The world has lost a special soul, (a comma issue)
Yet, I feel I have died. (Consider the word "that" after "feel," and add a comma after "yet")
My legs can't hold my weight these days,
The sadness wears me down.
You are my angel in the skies,(a comma issue)
Yet I feel as if I've drowned.
Black and white is all I see,
No color to be found. (consider rewording this line, as black and white are colors)
I long to hold your hand again,(a comma issue)
To seek your dear advice.
To see my kids grow up,
The wonder in your eyes.
To have you back,(a comma issue)
For just a few,
Tell me, Mom, what am I to do? (if you insert "supposed," after "what am I," your cadence will work better. Also, in reference to capitalizing "Mom," you do that only if that was her name.)
Cool way of expressing such sadness. The first two-thirds of the poem is like an arrow pointing to the last part which reveals the writer the wounded woman, the lover of the man who did not know how to love her back.
Your story is a little short, but the point comes through just fine. I am 67 years old, and a pastor, and I only have three friends. I have many acquaintances, but only three friends. I like it that way. I don't have to try to stretch myself out to so many people. I am happier this way. I think you'll turn out fine. Maybe you'll end up being a pastor too. Don't say never, no one really knows the future. Anyway, have fun and enjoy life. Ciao.
I like the way you use your words to emphasize some of the actions. I did not catch on to the premise of the story.
I read only through the first part and saw that there were some issues.
1. “Ah, another day in Paradise”, thought Des, fleetingly thinking -- I recommend using italics to show that this is a thought, not a verbal statement.
2. that sibling rivalry can have a nasty edge once exposed by several weeks of sibling proximity. -- I would recommend removing the second "sibling," it is already evident in the sentence.
3. Jaw clenched, neck muscles beginning to tighten, headache forming and heart simultaneously sinking, Des reminds his young charges yet again that he has followed the Wests Tigers for all of his life and that yes, while it’s true that they have not won a premiership for all of that time, they are this season close to doing so. He further confirms his desire for his boys to be with him for this final part of the journey, such that they may share in the bountiful joy that inevitable victory will bring. -- This paragraph is troubling because you are mixing thoughts and speaking together. Let the character say those things instead of using the universal view to do so. It is always better to "hear" the character speak, than just having the narrator explain things. This is the old, "show it don't tell it," way of writing.
Well, not having much experience with play scripts I won't offer much in that aspect. But there was one line that had a problem with it.
"The group head for a bed where the Dead Clown." Either you meant:
1. "The group headed for a bed where the Dead Clown lay."
2. "The group heads for a bed where the Dead Clown lies."
3. "The group head for the bed where the Dead Clown rested."
4. "The group heads for the bed where the Dead Clown's body rested."
Nice poem. Great rythm and cadence. But, I found a couple of errors.
Deep beneath what used to be lies a place that once held you and me.
A place where shadows were not cast, a place where love was found at last.
A never-ending light did shine, for I had it all when you were mine.
I never felt the need to cry or from my mouth the need to lie.
I wish once more that light would shine, for I had it all when you were mine.
I found this poem pleasing. I enjoyed the rhythm and pattern, but I was thrown off by this line "Hello sweet bird, I promise to never look behind." It did not conform to the pattern of the others. Maybe it needs to be rewritten like this, "Hello sweet bird, I will not look behind." Or, something like that. It the "promise to" that seems not to fit.
Hi,
I am 67 years old and believe I am quite informed on many subjects. Just as yourself, I ask questions. My personal motto is: "Trust God, but question everything." I even made me a tee-shirt with that quote to show everyone how I felt.
You amaze me with your writing. I hope you continue to write.
One point though, you should not end a sentence with a preposition.
"Some were already telling me that Santa didn't exist in years I was receiving the best presents a kid could ask for."
should be
"Some were already telling me that Santa didn't exist in years I was receiving the best presents for which a kid could ask."
I found this fascinating. I read of David Crockett in college. His biography, on its own, was enough for me to change my mind about how honest or courageous he truly was. So everything else I eventually read about him for my history class, I read with doubts.
My family has lived in the Texas area since before it was Texas. I have no love or hate for Crockett. I actually saw and enjoyed the series, but then I enjoy the craziest things.
Again, I looked for and did not find any grammatical errors or typos. Great job, excellent arguments.
I found this essay quite enjoyable as well as informative. I found no typos other problems. Your arguments are sound and easily followed. Thank you for your legislative efforts to, at the least, provide equal footing for both sides. I am a pastor and have an interest in science. I have questions regarding both sides and I am still learning the answers.
There are some grammatical concerns with the piece. For example: "straighten the books on the bookshelf, and make up your bed all nice." The comma is not needed there.
As well, little things like this can distract your reader, for example: "When you pull it out, it is a shoe box." Which is it? "When you pull it out you see it is a shoebox." or "It becomes a shoebox when it is pulled from under a bed."
The story lacks a bit more imagination and creativity.
Excellent! A standing ovation is in order. You did an excellent job of taking the reader for a ride. It was so enjoyable that I could not stop reading until the end. Great job.
Two suggestions:
1. Separate the paragraphs, that will make the piece easier to read.
2. The sentence, "He had hurt more than enough people by that age..." should read, "He had hurt more than most people by that age..."
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/revjuan
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 4:19pm on Dec 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
