Tim Chiu,
This poem is great! So vividly descriptive. You make the reader just want to take a bite out of their own fresh watermelon - well done. I'd bet someone reads this and hops in their car to go get one. You might like to check out my poem "Love of the Apple" because your piece and mine have a lot of similarities, its striking. Anyhow thanks very much for the read and keep up the good work.
-Delores L. Haze
How painful it is to think of cutting a hundred year old tree. There was an experiment performed in Aspen, Colorado some years ago. It proved that the trees feel some sort of pain when another tree in the forest is cut. After hearing about that I cannot imagine clear cutting, and removing old growth. If we must take for ourselves, we must plant and care for new trees, and what we take must be meager and we must always be thankful. How can the world stay blind to this? I am glad you wrote this poem. You really made me feel and want to be active to save trees!
I too am enchanted by the history of old barns. I love the feeling of exploring abandoned farms. They lead me to ask many questions, just as you have in this poem.
I noticed it could use some fine tuning. Here are some friendly suggestions.
In the first line, a should say an.
owers at the end of the second stanza should be revised to read owners.
Was the owners at peace... would be best revised to read Were the owners at peace...
I hope I have provided at least a little help. Thanks for sharing, and Welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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Your piece is full of feeling, its body weighty and real to me. You explore the intricate ins and outs of this ethereal world described herein and you do so quite eloquently. Passing into and beyond the reality as we know it you keep the reader enraptured. You employ vivid imagery and create incredible mental pictures for your readers. We can feel the blanket of misty fog you describe, we can hear the beautiful voice. From start to finish, you spill one aptly placed word over another. I would recommend this piece to others.
Write on!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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I like your poem. It echoes of Hope, and new beginnings. A clean slate, a new day.
My favorite part is: Decisions to make and explore
But all forgotten to nature on my door.
You remind us all that with each passing day we have important choices, and for each new day that shall come, we will have more decisions to make. The sun is, to me, the single most important thing to continue life as we know it. For that reason, I really enjoy your piece. It is centered around the great "orange ball" that means so much to all of us.
Thanks for sharing & Welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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Your poem is intriguing. I am not sure what it is about the apple that causes such a cataclysmic struggle for the poems' subject. but it is certainly not without interest, and you kept me involved with each passing line. My favorite part in particular was " The venom slithers through my veins..." I like that like so much because you can so vividly imagine this deadly poison creeping it's way through the human body, swiftly corrupting as it moves. If there was any way to improve the piece, I would say perhaps clue me into the apple and why it is so powerful. Perhaps there is a clue that I missed.
I enjoyed reading your work.
Write on!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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Your poem reminds me of my own ways. When in a lonely time of depression and self questioning, I too, find myself alone, listening on repeat to the same sad song some countless times. We tire ourselves chasing a loved one who never looks back. But, it provides us with an undrying well of inspiration, and for that we must be grateful.
I noticed that some of your lines begin capitalized, some do not. For smoother readability, you may consider making them all the same. It's really up to you.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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Your poem details a lot of pain, as the author toils in false friendships.
In the first line, form should say from. There should read They're in the fourth, sixth and tenth lines. The ninth line ends with "the" but should say they.
I hope you can find yourself a more positive, supporting group of friends to identify with.
Thanks for sharing & Welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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You have written a curious short tale of a woman awakened by a mysterious knocking. You use creative imagery and interesting similes.
The piece is short and leaves the reader with questions about what just happened. The woman, main character, hears a knock on the door. She wakes up, and gets out of bed, but instead of going to the door, she opens a window and gets rained on a while before she decides "okay, I'll go to the door now." When she gets there, the person who knocked is walking away and they never speak. I wonder why things played out the way they did. Am I missing a piece of the puzzle?
Thanks for sharing,
Delores L. Haze
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This is a really neat poem. You used a form that doesn't sound so out there to begin with, but when read seems very unique and different from the norm. I had fun reading aloud your clever triplet rhymes.
I noticed that fantasise is misspelled and should read fantasize.
I would recommend this piece to others. I might even try this poetic form myself! Inspiring!
Thanks very much for sharing!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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I really enjoyed reading your short story about this suspenseful, fatal game. You use vivid imagery and constructed solid character personas.
I would love to see a short sentence, line or an extra space (or something of your liking) separating these paragraphs: in-between pulled the trigger and well, the way he went down.How your work reads is totally up to you! I just feel like that transition between paragraphs is the most tense moment of the story. If you can drag it out just for one more second in some way, it would be great. Many readers read just to get that very tense feeling. Keep it going for us however you see fit.
I encourage you to keep creating!
Thanks for sharing & welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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I liked your short story! The idea is good and you carry out the plot well. The amount of detail included is proportionate to the length of the story. Not too much or too little.
I did notice that the piece is riddled with minor typographical errors. Here are some examples with friendly suggestions:
“What are you up to little brother?” You could use a comma before Little Brother.
“I did ask you not to call me that Lisseal..." You could use a comma before Lisseal.
“Anyway my questions still the same. You need to insert an apostrophe in "questions".
“What?!! This long? It’s been?”
“About seventy years, give or take,” sneered Demar." This passage is a little uncomfortable for the reader because of the open phrase "It's been"; you may consider inserting "..." after "Its been." Or try "sneered Demar, cutting Lisseal off mid-sentence."
...not seaming to be... In this context, seaming should be spelled seeming.
Thanks very much for sharing your work,
Delores L. Haze
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I really like this poem. It is so smooth to read that it goes down easy, and leaves the reader going back for seconds and thirds, making sure to catch every detail.
You describe a woman working in a retail clothing store who is being objectified by a male coworker. - And you manage do do so very gracefully in well written poetic form.
The only thing I think could be improved upon (which is very small, and you may not find necessary)would be to take the "around here" off of get some work done around here. Of course this is your work and how it reads is totally up to you!
Thanks very much for sharing.
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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You have created an intriguingly different piece. It is mysterious and eludes to life slipping into sleep slipping into dreams slipping into death... It gives the reader mild feelings of anxiety just reading, thinking about being trapped in this way. This reminds me of the line "I can feel the soil falling over my head..." by the Smiths. Emptiness and everything all at the same time. Hope you can wake yourself up. Thanks for sharing, I like this style.
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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ps. I'm a big fan of telling the time in my own poetry, too. You should come check out my port sometime. =)
Thanks for sharing your dream with us. I particularly love reading about other people's dreams, as I enjoy my own very much. You're invited to check out my port anytime you like - I have a couple of my own dreams in there you that you might want to check out.
I have a few suggestions for you...
Capitalize all those under-case "i's" floating throughout the piece.
"There something in my hands..." Should say "there's"
You need a space between the second and third paragraphs.
"I scan the hole...Then i felt..." Here is an example of tense confusion. In some parts you are using passive voice, and in others, you are writing in the present tense. You need to unify all verbs, etc.
Just a couple friendly suggestions... How your work reads is totally up to you. Welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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Your piece is short and sweet. It is a unique glimpse into the life of the tiny worker ant. Often overlooked, these creatures live seemingly thankless lives, but in reality they are part of the worlds great web. Without them, other parts of the ecosystem would fall apart. Perhaps you'd enjoy the book "One Bad Ant." Its been a favorite of mine since childhood.
Welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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This is a powerful piece about using ones subversive talents to fulfill bodily desires. You describe the high that pushing the envelope gives you and the reader eats it up. You are unsure about your behavior but you can't stop. And we can't stop reading about it. Thank you for sharing. This is great work.
Welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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Thank you very much for sharing your work with us. This is a confused emotional poem about experiencing conflicting feelings towards an important person. I can relate to this, and I'm sure other readers can too. I certainly know what it is to feel love and hatred all at the same time, despite how contradictory those things are. Love is a crazy thing!
Welcome to Writing.com.
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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I like the part of this story where you bring in the unusual coffee metaphor. Saying that the character felt bitter inside, like dark coffee. Then it is contrasted with feelings of sugar and cream. Creative!
But I do also see a lot of things that could use revision. Here are a few examples.
The man is a stoic guy, expressionless
Arthur was a hard man, mostly stoic, lost in his thoughts.
*I know these are separate - the intro and the beginning of the story, but perhaps choose a different adjective one of those times. The reader hits them both too close to one another. Also, you need a period after "expressionless."
It was only till he met someone in his life that he found someone that he would do anything for just a smile
*This sentence is lengthy, cluttered and hard to read. Perhaps it could read something like this "His life did not change until he met that special someone. He would do anything - just to see her smile." What you do is your choice, make it your own, just consider the suggestion.
It was 3am in the hospital.
*Consider spelling out "three A.M." for readability and a more professional look.
If you want me to help you with a complete revision of this story, let me know. I could give you many more tips and I would be happy to help. =)
I encourage you to keep creating!
Welcome to Writing.com.
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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I like this piece a lot. It is carefully metaphoric, and nicely metered. It is balanced and reads well out loud. It is slow and sure, steady; it is smooth. It echoes of pain and beauty. Well done.
Welcome to Writing.com!
Thanks for sharing.
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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This is an emotionally charged poem about growing up without a father.
Thank you so much for sharing your work with us. You are using your work to express a lot of weighty emotion. Your readers will be eager to learn about you, and explore your writing style.
I too, have lived the majority of my life without my father. And now 20, I haven't expected his presence for many years. So, that said, you can see that I understand and appreciate your work.
Keep creating!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
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I enjoyed reading these lyrics. I know that when my heart was broken the first time I did a lot of writing and it really helped me. I, as a reader, can certainly relate to this piece. In terms of improvement, I would say that perhaps you'd consider revising this line:
Forgive me for being me and rain on me.
You should maintain syllables as you need them to go with the music, but saying me three times in one line is hard to get comfortable with. Just mull it over; I mean this in a constructive, friendly way.
Nora, I think this piece is short and interesting. I like the lines: "two arms higher up" and "luckily enough." This poem should stay short - but I feel it lacks something. I feel it needs one more "umph" line... a push or a pop perhaps - something. I'm not sure what but maybe you'll turn it over in your mind once or twice.
-Delores L. Haze
I enjoyed reading this piece. It is colorful and you employ some vivid imagery. Also, you have a good rhyme scheme and steady rhythm. The twist at the end is especially note worthy. Thanks for sharing this very descriptive poem. Welcome to Writing.com.
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
*New member of Captain's Crew*
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You might like to check out my poem "Love of the Apple" because your piece and mine have a lot of similarities, its striking. Anyhow thanks very much for the read and keep up the good work.