This was really strong. You’ve got something here that reads like a polished short story you'd find in a solid anthology. It grabs you with a quiet, familiar moment—a birthday night drive—and by the end, it’s pulled you through a visceral, heartbreaking crash and into this eerie, otherworldly negotiation between life, death, and something darker. Let me break it down:
What worked extremely well:
1. The opening was cinematic.
The rain on the windshield, the kids sleepy and full, the soft domestic detail of Benny’s wobbly dinosaur—this was so grounded, so real. The scene’s warmth gives the twist even more punch. You pulled off a really clean tonal shift without it feeling jarring. That’s hard to do.
2. The crash sequence was intense but readable.
You didn’t get bogged down in technicalities. It flowed like memory: heightened, fast, with emotional beats tucked in. You could feel the panic and clarity of a man doing everything to save his family. The bit with the 2x4 changing the SUV’s trajectory was believable and well-paced.
3. The post-death interaction was unsettling and fresh.
The transition to the gray room felt dreamlike in the right way—confusing, slightly off, building dread. The "lawyer" was an excellent metaphor for spiritual temptation, bureaucracy, and demonic presence all in one. You let the story lean into that horror-fantasy vibe without over-explaining it.
4. The bells were a brilliant, symbolic payoff.
They came at the perfect moment and weren’t cheesy. They offered contrast to the lawyer’s chaos—clean, ancient, right. You didn’t explain them too much, which made them feel sacred. That restraint made the ending feel earned.
5. The epilogue was a quiet win.
I liked that he didn’t get a cheesy "back to life" resurrection. He’s still gone, but now a guardian, without the price tag. That small redemption—without control—gives the whole thing heart. The way you phrase “trusting they’ll heal without my meddling” was perfect.
Small things to tweak or consider:
- You could tighten the lawyer’s dialogue slightly.
He’s sinister, yes, but some of his lines leaned into cliché territory. “Sign now, sort details later” was good, but “fantastic opportunity” and “great job out there” might be a little too polished or salesy unless you’re going for that sleazy corporate vibe hard.
- You might want to clarify the "test" just a bit.
The voice saying “That was the test. You passed” is satisfying, but because the lawyer’s con felt like a surprise ambush, calling it a “test” can feel retroactively engineered. Maybe one more sentence earlier on with a moment of hesitation—him wondering why he’s alone instead of in some heaven or hell—could set that up better.
- Consider trimming a few modifiers.
Sometimes you pile them up (“guttural roar,” “syrup-slow,” “primal and perfect”) which mostly works, but once in a while, it slows the pace. Especially during the crash or the contract scene, trimming even a few would sharpen the urgency.
Final thoughts:
This story has heart, dread, and soul. It reads like a love letter to what really matters—family, sacrifice, and choice—even in the weirdest, darkest corners of existence. It never felt like it was trying too hard. It was clean, real, and hit the gut in the right ways.
Honestly, I’d give this one 9/10. A little polish and it could absolutely be submission-ready for contests or publications that take short fantasy/supernatural fiction. Have you thought about publishing it? I'd love to read more from this universe or even follow James as he watches over his family.
WriterRick (WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group)
|