I see that your intentions here were good. I like the whole concept of your piece. However, I feel as though it fails to deliver. Your rhyming scheme falls out of line at times. One good example of this is the relationship between lines one and two. The words 'sweet' and 'it' have different stresses when pronounced. Another fault that I've seen in this poem is the wrong usage of punctuation. Throughout the piece, one would notice the lack of punctuation marks in certain sentences. Paralleslism and other forms of proper verb usage are also a bit wobbly. Be sure to use the past tense when you are referring to the past. Overall, I think the poem is a nice idea, but it just lacks luster. For all your effort, I will give you a 3.5.
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