Who knew how much fun this could be! It is, indeed, perfectly whimsical and certainly Mayhem! Another great entertainment game to occupy aging minds like mine. Happy Birthday, Writing.com! This activity is short and sweet and too much fun to pass up. Can't wait until I can post again. Rixy
I loved this piece and the simplicity of it. What a great way to think of your writing. I am afraid it's rather a chore for me...unless I am on a roll and I'm usually not. The sentiments you expressed in this piece almost brought tears to my eyes....almost, but didn't want the mascara to run.
You might want to break some of the big paragraphs into smaller ones just to balance the look of the piece out.
Keep writing and being the Sweetheart I have come to know and love,
Rixy
This is a fun, quirky read. I loved some of your phrases, primarily: "She’s hot, in an oddball way"; "a non-creepy way to ask another store monkey"; "Spilled lattes spread across the floor of the store's symbiotic Starbucks like foamy tentacles"; and "I lashed out with the POWER OF FIST, right to his stupid face."
You entertained me and that's what we all look for in our writing or at least I do. I think you have the vernacular of a late teen knocked out in this piece. As a former writing teacher, I should probably say SHOW DON"T TELL ME how Rain is hot in a an oddball way and that I would have liked to know why else we don't like Howard. I have always asked other writers, why should I draw a story out and put in so much detail with I just wanted to write a micro-fiction. In fact, part of the appeal of this piece is that it doesn't have all the glowing imagery. I think that while you might have improved it a bit in this manner, you remained true to the voice of the piece.
Not my favorite, but certainly entertaining. For spoken words you need a comma inside the quotation marks separating the spoken words from unspoken: "Get in," he brusquely......
and "One for Victoria Terminus,"
Wish I had a dollar for every time I have been to Victoria station. We had a bomb scare one afternoon and had to walk all the way to the next stop to get on. Londoners just take that in stride. I was wanting to make a mad dash for it. We also had one late one night as we set in there drinking tea. Thought we'd have to get a taxi all the way back to our hotel. But, it was over soon. I love London and love visiting there. Rixy
Perfect! good emotions and descriptions were present and I raced to read to the end to see what it held in store for me.
The exact 55-word story that I enjoy reading and writing.....one with a twist at the end. You hid your ending all the way through and I had to read it again to savor the feel of your words. Good Job!
Controversial? Maybe to some. A good read? Absolutely. Emotional? Totally. Interesting? You Bet! Dialogue? Done exceedingly well. What else to say? 5.0 Keep writing? For sure.
Good images, this follows Lanturne form exactly. I think I really like this form. As do all the poems I have read of yours, this speaks TRUTH. An exact replication in words and feelings that we teachers have all felt on our first day of school in any new school we began teaching in. I like your centering of the poem. Keep writing. Rixy.
I can relate to this poem! I faced my lovelies for 38 years and would love to still be doing so. But, for everything there is a season. No truer words were ever spoken in line three when coupled with the last line. I did indeed learn as much as I gave. I can tell from your writings that you were a good teacher. I firmly believe teachers are born and not made. I think anyone who has ever been in a class room can relate to this poem. While it does not have the eye-appeal many of your poems have (Sensory Overload, for instance), this one has truth and wisdom.
I have seen that you are a very prolific writer and have tried many genres. I believe you have learned to cope and love life through writing and what more can we all hope for?
Once again you have drawn me to a poem. First, by the title. (I raised three sons); secondly, your poem's form; and thirdly, by the angelic picture you included. Your words are so perfect and so true. I love your last line:
" life's about the run, not about the race." I believe our society has gotten too tied up in the the race and beating others. Why can we not be satisfied with loving the run, taking the time to enjoy simply as well as complex ideas, and just love one another. While your son's picture is pretty angelic, I can't help but see a bit of mischievousness behind those beautiful eyes.
This poem is a great legacy to pass on.
Keep writing.
Rixy
I like your layout. I think the overall look of a poem is just as important as the title. I a drawn to poetry visually. This poem certainly is enhanced with the adjectives/nouns that are red and blue. Your rhythm and flow is impeccable. Your rhyme is good and not sing-songy. Having taught high school students for 38 years, I can tell you that many of the trouble-makers, those who were troubled and those who were apathetic in the classroom returned in a matter of a year or two to show us all what fine young men they had become. I was so proud of them. Now, my grandson is in the Army Special Ops training and I couldn't be prouder. Thank you for writing this piece and showing us who our military young men and women are.
What a fun and interesting HOME! Really liked this! The pictures are great. Can't wait to get inside them. You should really get this folder fixed because no one will be able to find your writings. I could at first, even with your directions.....but then I am old!
I have enclosed a colored marked copy of your story for you with suggested changes. I was impressed since you said you were still in high school with several items: Most of your punctuation was good, your story moved along and didn't stand still too much, you had a good ending, and I thought you erotica well done. When I was your age I could not have pulled that off....come to think of it, I doubt that I could do that now.
Some things to watch for:
1. A comma is used to set off people who are spoken to. This was you main mistake.
2. New paragraphs are started every time a new speaker is up. You did this pretty well, just missed it a time or two.
3. Redundancies were apparent throughout. However, that is my biggest downfall, so it is something I really watch for. Don't feel too badly, I think every writer struggles with this. It just takes practice trying to locate and fix them.
I think you could really improve your writing by taking the Sunrise class at New Horizon's Writing Academy right here on wdc. It is a very good class and helped me tremendously with writer's common mistakes we are not always aware of making unless we are taught differently. The classes are 2000 gps each and if you don't have the pgs, ask for a scholarship. I you don't get one, let me know. I will give it to you. I have that much faith in your abilities!
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Don't forget to see your attachment for specific fixes. It will be in an email that I send you. Hope this helps, Rixy
It was a great experience. Now that I know more about it, maybe next year I can earn more supporters. Thanks for keeping up with all of this and affording an easy way to earn gps. Maybe more should go to the various organizations and less to the top 3 teams or spread the gps out over the top five teams. Either way you do it, will be great. If it isn't broken and you had great success, don't fix it. Non producers should be punished in some way for signing up and not participating. If you start the averaging thing, some will spend more time trying to beat the system than writing. There are always party poopers and those who begin early as I noted some did this year. THANKS FOR A JOB WELL DONE. Rixy
Ken:
The opinion expressed in this review are mine. They are only opinions and as I have seen so many times, reviewers rarely agree. We all have things that jump out at us.
I liked the story and feel it was strong. However, there are a few things I would like for you to consider:
Story Strengths:
A)It held my interest
B)As always, you explain the things that the common reader may not be aware of. Your comments at the end let us know how much time and knowledge you invested in the piece…..it was not just jotted off and sent to be reviewed.
C) It brought the “Monkey’s Paw” to mind as I read and I was afraid it was going to be another copy-cat idea. But, gladly that was not the case. When a reader draws on his background to relate to your story, that is a good thing.
D) The story was descriptive in a way that allowed me to visualize the horror of the scene.
E) You do have excellent uses of words and descriptions: intricate dance of fog; fingers of wind parted the gauzy air;
F) Strong punctuation and grammar skills. A couple of suggestions. Do not enclose Bertie or Mac in “” or ‘’.
G) Great ending.
Weaknesses:
1. Redundancy. We all--or at least I--fight this battle.
Examples: A) brought a bittersweet smile to her lips.
B) smile breaking out on her face
C) smile played across his face ( this may be a cliché as well)
D) tears began coursing down her weathered cheeks. (can tears go up or across?)
**Where else might a smile be if no on the lips or face?
E) check your usages of THAT. Usually this word can be cut and makes for better flow.
2. Over use of adverbs. Technically, a piece of writing should have only one adverb per 300 words. We are to use more vivid verbs or if we have already used a vivid verb, cut the adverb. An easy was to find most of them-- you have a bout 20 not counting 7 ‘only’--is to use the search tool under edit. Type in ly and see what comes up. Make sure you have the ‘match case” and whole word squares left blank. Then, you can sail through the process of finding and deleting.
3. Cliches: playing loose and fast with the rules; strike a bargain; sun nearing its zenith; as thought she had been hit in the stomach.
A question: In all the words that Bertie speaks aloud or in her mind, she uses regular English with no dialect. However, in the following part she uses dialect only this one time. I like her better with the dialect. But, I don’t think you can have it both ways. As a person who speaks dialectically, I also think in dialect.
"Silly old woman," she muttered to herself, "this isn't an answer. This is just you wishing for something that ain't possible. You're getting old, gal. Your seeing things don't make 'em real – no more than talking to Mac makes him here."
Another home run. I have a piece I must send you. I kept interesting spellings of word my students used I and wrote a little ditty with them. You are at your best when you play with words. Most fit in so well and I don't hear any groans from the peanut gallery as I read them. My favorites: Koka-Koala and MacGibear. My forays into homophone-ville usually is just ridiculous. Yours always seem normal. Sorry to keep withing the humor sections of your work; it's just too enjoyable to move out. Besides, I don't do blushes very well.
Is this great or what? I love my animals: one psychotic dog, a one-eye cat whose a hunter extraordinaire, 3 guinea who eat the ticks and keep them off me, and one house cat that I think is a human reincarnated.
Glad you gave the word abstruse and defined it. Most people would think you meant obtuse which, while close in nature, do not share the same connotations. Good call. Love the fact that you use different forms. I like forms, but the more intricate they are the more trouble I have writing something that makes sense. Good job!
Great play with words. I'm inspired. I enjoyed reading it and smiled as I did. Flash fiction is a favorite of mine.
My only comment is to cut the two cliches and write your own:
Dragging himself out of bed
Look at the bright side
I also wondered if I read this incorrectly: thinking of sinking basement. I think it should be the sinking basement. This can be fixed quickly by taking out the "Well,"
Hysterical in a sometimes subtle way. Very well written and descriptive while tickling my funny bone.
I too am a duct tape solver of problems. In the classroom I would use bright red duct tape to fix any dress code violations. My usual "repairs" included any blouse in which I could see "bosoms" or any part of; shorts or skirts too short; and blue jeans with holes in them which were, of course, against the rules. I also fixed my refrigerator door with it. The plastic cross bars that hold bottles in the door broke rather early on. Thus, my solution.
Usually in reivews I don't spend time recalling my adventures, but since I could find no mistakes or poor wording--I'm sure from your years in journalism--there was little else to do. Rixy
Well said. I'm with you. Hell, I'm trying my best to keep the 50s around a little longer, but apparently they only exist in my mind now. As a teacher who has just retired after 38 years of teaching high school students English, I would like to go on the record as saying that the depths to which our students have sunk is the parents faults. I still had great students. but guess what? They had parents who parented them, not parents who wanted to be their student's best friend. They didn't distrust their students, but they still checked upon where they were and what they were doing. We need the responsible parenting fad back with it's family interaction, family meals, and family vacations. Excuse me, while I step down off this soap box. You had a great article.
Wonderful! I can relate to Jenny on several levels and I thought the changes you made really made the story stand up and walk off the page. Good job. No wonder they are wanting your stories. I love this one and can't wait to visit your port. Rixy
I really don't know the protocol for rating a rant type blog. I'll just give you a 5 because I think you need something positive in your life right now. By the By, welcome to WDC a great place to hang out. I bet you will find some kindred spirits on here to help get you through the hard times. There are many groups you might scroll through to look for them. Best Wishes. Cheer up, we're not attending your funeral today!
Important information that we all need to stop and think about. I know I never thought a second about forwarding pieces that I have had forwarded to me. Basically, I forward very few and really don't like it when a friend forwards me a piece and can't even add a personal note. I would much rather hear from them than some forward piece that dares me not to re-send it to 10 friends or either I will receive bad luck or never win the lottery. This is article is something that should be forwarded immediately to your 19 best wdc or writing friends before we all turn into frogs!
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