Wordman,
I would have used the edit points you provided, but I printed your story out and read it over dinner, and wrote this review offline. Plus, it seemed that the edit points drifted off at 25, about half-way through, so I guess it’s better this way anyhow.
Overall Impression and Comments
First of all, please don’t be discouraged by the rating. With a cleanup of the punctuation, I would bump the rating up without any other modifications. I think there is a good story to be told here, but my primary concern with what you have right now is that it reads more like an article or an unbiased account of what took place rather than a story woven to involve the reader’s senses and emotions so they can experience it themselves.
For example, the storm was a major part of this story, but in most respects, it was left on shore somewhere along the way. There was a quick description of it at its onset, but then it fell into the background. In the most desperate moments of the story, the characters converse as though they are sitting across a table from each other, rather than screaming over the sounds of a raging storm, with water pelting the sides of their faces and salt burning their eyes while the wind cuts across the bow with a fury of its own. OK, OK, you see what I’m getting at. Make the reader feel what those poor fellas on the boat must have felt.
Another thing to be mindful of is that many readers of your story may know nothing about boats or boating. It’s good to use terminology that one would expect to hear on a boat, but be careful when describing parts of the boat and specific conditions of the sea that a landlubber, like me, might not follow  . I like when stories include descriptions of objects and processes that I know nothing about, so I come away with a little more knowledge than I started with. For example, I don’t know what a “bimeny” is. Maybe it’s not necessary to the story, maybe it is, but it might be worth explaining.
General Writing Conventions
There are a few general things concerning punctuation that you can go through and take a look at, which are pretty easy fixes.
Punctuation within dialogues: when you quote someone in the story and follow with a statement indicating who spoke, that statement is considered part of the same sentence and should be punctuated and/or capitalized accordingly. Here are a few examples:
“It’s the best way to calm motion sickness.” John instructed.
Should read: “It’s the best way to calm motion sickness,” John instructed.
“I’ll be fine in a few minutes “ replied Don.
Should read: “I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” replied Don.
“Try backing up and I’ll climb out on the transom to try and cut it loose or pull it on board.” said John
Should read: “Try backing up and I’ll climb out on the transom to try and cut it loose or pull it on board,” said John.
Spacing within quotes: I noticed many of the quotes have a space between them and the text, like: “_Don’t I know it.” –or- “I’ll be fine in a few minutes_”. Find those and delete the extra space.
Specific Comments and Suggestions
What follows below are some observations/suggestions regarding the rest of the story.
Keep an eye on the verb tense. Try to stay consistent within paragraphs and keep your sentences running smoothly. In the third paragraph you write:
They started out okay in the morning. Only a couple minor problems occurred. One of the engines was running a little hot and John was checking it out. Paul was at the wheel and Don was hanging over the side rail barfing his guts out. The few beers from the previous night did not mix well with the bit of rough water they were in at the time.
The sentences and their verb tense are a little rocky here. Here’s my stab at smoothing it out a little:
They started out okay in the morning, with only a couple minor problems. Paul was at the wheel, but one of the engines was running hot, which kept John busy. Don, on the other hand, was bent over the side rail depositing last night’s beers, and this morning’s breakfast, into the rough waters below.
That might not be exactly how you want to say it (I took the liberty of rewording the barfing part  ), but notice the flow of the paragraph.
--
PM. = PM
--
At this point things started to go wrong. Abruptly, the wind and the waves started to pickup.
I don’t think you need the first sentence. If you want to transition into a darker stage of the story, it works better to put it at the end of the paragraph that precedes it. So for example:
In the sentence before that paragraph, you write: She expected them for a spaghetti dinner around five thirty or so.
I suggest: She expected them for a spaghetti dinner around five thirty. She ended up eating her spaghetti alone.
[Next Paragraph] Abruptly, the wind and the waves started to pickup.
--
“Lily Pad, Lily Pad, this is Give N Take. Over”
“Lily Pad, Lily Pad, this is Give N Take. Over”
“Lily Pad, Lily Pad, this is Give N Take. Over”
“Lily Pad, Lily Pad, this is Give N Take. Over”
“Dam, the f**king radio is dead now. What the hell else can happen?” John said in disgust as he tossed the Mic.
This doesn’t work in writing. When the reader’s eyes come to this part of the story, they don’t read each line and think “oh man, these guys are in trouble.” Instead, they see the same line, repeated four times, and get none of the emotion.
I suggest: “Lily Pad, Lily Pad, this is Give N Take. Over,” John barked into the mike. Hearing nothing, he tweaked a knob and repeated into the mike, even louder, “Lily Pad, Lily Pad, this is Give N Take. Over.” Only static. He tried again several times before slamming the mike down, “Damn it, the f**king radio is dead now. What the hell else can happen!”
Notice that this paragraph involves the reader and takes them through the motions and the frustration of learning the radio is dead.
--
As they went in a Coast Guard cutter passed them on it’s way out.
Two things: put a comma after the little introduction to the sentence, as it now sounds like they literally went into a Coast Guard cutter. Second, it’s = its here (it’s = it is; its = the word that follows is a possession of “it”). So, it should read: As they went in, a Coast Guard cutter passed them on its way out.
--
The cutter started coming across close to the stern intending to come along the left side of the boat and get close enough to board
Long sentence in need of some punctuation. Also, it’s common to say something “started happening” in spoken communication, but it doesn’t work well in writing.
I suggest: The cutter came close to the stern, intending to get close enough to the left side of the boat to board.
--
Trying to maintain a tie up between the two boats would have resulted in a demolition derby on the water.
This is a fine sentence, but I think you could have achieved much more by placing it before the action that precedes it. As it is now, you write about the dangerous interaction between the boats and then, when the reader knows both boats are safe, you tell them what might have happened. Say it before-hand and you have the reader on the edge of their seat, wondering if they’re going to see the demolition derby.
--
The mention of the pot on the boat came too late. The climax of the story was really getting the boat safely into the harbor. If you want to leave it in, I would suggest mentioning early on that the boaters had some type of contraband on the boat and as long as they didn’t get stopped by the Coast Guard, they would be just fine. Then the reader can feel a little tension when you introduce the cutter coming into the picture. Otherwise, the moment has come and gone by the time the Coast Guard boards the boat.
--
Backing up, near missing = Backing up, nearly missing
--
Okay, the end! I’m glad to see you read all the way through Remember, these are just my opinions. You, or others, may agree or disagree with some, most, or all, of them.
Reading and reviewing other’s work makes me a better writer and it’s something I truly enjoy. And besides, if even one of my suggestions can help you improve just one sentence of your story, or one small aspect of your writing, I will consider my time spent that much more rewarding.
Best of luck,
Rixtr
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