My life knew no pleasure or pain - four lines down you talk about experiencing pain
I feel like there needs to be more story here. What is the context of the relationship between the writer and the love he is speaking with. It sounds like the other person is dead. How did they die?
I think this whole story needs expanding otherwise - why should the reader care??
"The men returning from sea were just as thirsty as the fish they caught." - great line
"the type of guy to that would associate with a mob boss, like Tony Scaramucci"- I don't believe that he would have explained that Scaramucci was a mob boss. I think that point should be left outside of the dialogue.
"her fingernails looked as if they came straight off the rack at the grocery store." - great line
"Duncan McCafferty was no Han Solo, just a middle class accountant from suburbia, diagnosed with terminal intestinal cancer." - I dont think you need to tell us he is both middle class and from suburbia - I think one of those is enough to make the point.
"But now he knew why, and he had come to terms with it." He is about to die - does he really need to come to terms with the fact he is sick?
"A few moments later, he heard the floorboards creaking in the hallway near the living room" - I love the suspense here!
Nice twist on killing the wife and the voicemail message was also a nice surprise and cool ending.
Id love it if you'd be willing to review the first chapter of my novel portfolio #2182379
Nicely done!
I of course like how it is in the shape of a diamond. I am not sure I Like the part about a magic dream because diamonds have great reflective qualities without any magic necessary.
"In front of Jackson's Brewery."- I dont think you need this line as you've established they are already there.
"we were really just three streets away.
Decatur to Dumaine to Dauphine.
The crooked dirty D Streets
rolled beneath our fast feet." - I like all these details. I feel like we are vividly there. You've done a great job of giving a sense of place and a feel for what it would be like to be there.
Some of your paragraphs to out of their way to rhyme. others don't. This inconsistency I found a little confusing.
My only critique is to ponder with you the idea of lust for life vs a lust for books.. maybe you could have a sentence that points to the idea those things are one and the same? It would be nice to have a tie in there or explain how you are connecting those two things.
This is my favorite line.
"Quite candidly I'm downright true.
I'm direct and like it is!
This friendship that I have with you
is worth some ugly biz!"
I don't see order to the thoughts here. Like it doesnt seem to go from suggesting to demanding and it doesnt go from scolding to encouraging.. it more seems to me "all over".
"How lunch you on the noodles nuked" This for me is awkward and you already spoke of hot dogs - I'd rework this.
If you have a chance I'd love it if you can review the chapter I wrote in my portfolio.
I also like the dual meaning of the word periodical. As something that one reads ie another name for a newspaper as well as something pertaining to time.
"poring over each parcel of print I possess, each poem and paper and publication, in pursuit of any possibility,"
I think its spelled pouring. I think you should say "in pursuit of any possibility to end my plight." Its less awkward?
I also don't like how you say you "perch". I'd like it better if you said "from my perch".
"From my perch I ponder my presumed (why is it presumed?) perplexing position.
I really like this sentence:
Painfully, the periodicity will prevail. I will continue to be a poet periodically, the perseveration unpassing.
"poems and pieces of prose unparalleled by (my?) previous" - add the word "my"?
"If Mom does things the opposite of what you do to annoy you, and I do things the opposite of what Mom does to annoy her, then I have to do things the same as you do."
It's not clear who is speaking here with this quote and so it is a little confusing.
Also, I can't tell how serious this conversation is or if its all in good fun and so it leaves me a bit emotionally confused. I know its just dialogue here but form reading it I can't really tell how the characters feel about each other.
I know this is just dialogue but it is nice to have some scene setting so you get a better sense of context.
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