Your story has a lot of passion in it. My favorite part of a story is the start and yours was very good. It has the whole story represented in it and all your story's passion. I go second in the contest and I can see why. One of my few fives and a great read.
Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I liked this start of your journal. It began with a qualifier. And that can be a great way of emphasizing the good parts of your work. People will fill in small brakes and scratches with there own imagination.
I like the way that you kept your start earthy and look forward to reading more.
Read you later. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My story mirrors yours. I remember the hospital it was a hundred miles from home. I didn't have any sever drug reactions other than being doped up for a couple years. One of the ways that I am able to remember my pills is some of them make me sleep, without them I don't sleep at all.
I have a very generous boss. He lets me work at any time I want even just two hours right now. I have learned to hide during the manic and depressive parts of my personality. I was drawn into your story and liked the way your expressed my moods and feelings.
Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The very first thing that I noticed was that this is not an E rated story, even without the blood spatter. The mysterious murder was well played. And the after effects of so much sleep were very real. The person at the door I was kind of wanting to see and kind of not.
Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Sounds like a normal night camping. Someone always has a few two many and acts stupid. Don't take it personaly. If you just made this up be happy that I responded as if it was real. There are a few problems that I noticed the first is "Therelaughing while they near jump out of the" the they in the middle was not necicary.
"With face cloths to wipe them down with" I don't think that the second they is nessesary.
I am not an expert with grammar. Please take the best and leave the rest. Only you know what you want to express.
Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Your grammar was beyond me to correct. Your story was smooth and polished. The end was a little vague. I have no clue what this small bird did. If this is a continuation there might be a hint. Your descriptions were vivid. And the castle being a prison was proven by the large birds tethered to tradition. Thanks for the read.
Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I found your story was very emotional. I didn't quite cry. You had some help I can see. You must have done a lot of research in order to find so many songs with the same theme. I hope that this has not happened to you. Personally I look forward to meeting my loved ones again.
Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Your grandson is quite the man. Out of the mouths of babes is truth without thought. An adult would take time to sort out what they feel what they think and then what to say. I have 4 kids and each of them have gone through this stage. The only thing that is very unusual would be such an attention span.
Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This short sentence doesn't seem connected with either part on the train or off. I know that it is with the second paragraph but could completely in the paragraph if it wasn't the first line. I was freezing. There wasn’t
This is my favorite line in your hole story.Peculiar how the mind leaps from one subject to something completely unrelated in a matter of seconds.
Please don't judge my work as hard as I judge others.
Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I hadn't thought of using a guest book to network. Yours is short enough that it's an easy read and your words are comforting. I will definitely sign up. Your picture fits the nostalgic feel of this page. There are only three pages that I expected a perfect score when I am finished. This was one of them. Thanks for the read even if it was just a sign up page.
Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The thing that I examine the most is the first line of a story. Yours was great. It grabbed my attention chaneling it to your story.
I also liked the way that your story had a lot of pashion without being a soap opra. I didn't notice any technicle problems. Good read.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I don't give out 5s very often.
PLOT The plot is very obvious and might be expanded giving more info about what she knows that is valuable.
CHARACTERS DIALOGUE:
DESCRIPTIONS: I liked your discriptions. Especialy your setting a pattern with the foam stuff.
MY FAVORITE PARTS The last line promises much. Now for more important things."
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS I like to offer an exchange of reviews. One more of yours for one of mine of similar size 8KB
{bitem:1539054 }
Short Story POOR YOU [18+]
I need the number that is before your story in your portfolio my computer is acting up
I am not an expert on the English language. I might be wrong on everything that I say. So my advice on my advice is to keep the good and pitch the bad. Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I love zippy first lines. When I start writing I start at the beginning. But the beginning is not the fun part of the story. Instead I switch one of the fun lines out of the first paragraph. I like to be mysterious. The line with the old guy reading is very fun.
At times when I give details it can get like reading streat signs. Instead I discribe a couple of things in more detail.
I really like the way that you write. You keep your characters fun and that makes them interesting to read about.
Good job. I am not an expert writer. And I make mistakes alot. So with my advice I say only keep the best and pitch the rest. This is your story. Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
FIRST IMPRESSIONS The first line needs some zip. I love zip. One way that this could happen is putting the first sentence at the bottom of the first paragraph. Sorry about buting in.
PLOT There was a sadness that pulled at me.
DESCRIPTIONS: Your discriptions were vivid
GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION accustomed to and to understand. I think that there are two many tos.
MY FAVORITE PARTS your discription of her panic is gripping.
I like to offer an exchange of reviews. One more of yours for one of mine of similar size 8 KB
bitem:1540875
Short Story Long walk, Short dock [18+]
I need the number that is before your story in your portfolio because my computer is acting up
I am not an expert on the English language. I might be wrong on everything that I say. So my advice on my advice is to keep the good and pitch the bad. Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
FIRST IMPRESSIONS Your first line needs more power and mystery. Usually in the first paragraph there is a stronger line. It seems like after a start any start a person gets warmed up and that is when a person gets stronger lines.
PLOT I liked your plot. It was direct and uniform LOL
CHARACTERS DIALOGUE: The dialog was consistant with the time and people.
DESCRIPTIONS: Your discriptions were strong and detailed.
MY FAVORITE PARTS I liked when she pulled a hide away from her skirt.
I like to offer an exchange of reviews. One more of yours for one of mine of similar size 8KB
bitem:1542769
Short Story too much of a good thing [13+]
I need the number that is before your story in your portfolio my computer is acting up
I am not an expert on the English language. My advice on my advice is to keep the good and pitch the bad. Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
FIRST IMPRESSIONS This poem was way under rated. It should be XGC.
PLOT consistent in proving this minister a hypocrite.
CHARACTERS DIALOGUE: Monologe was consistant
DESCRIPTIONS: very detailed
I am not an expert on the English language. I might be wrong on everything that I say. So my advice on my advice is to keep the good and pitch the bad. Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
FIRST IMPRESSIONS At first I had the wrong idea of this girl
PLOT great twist I have three daughters
CHARACTERS DIALOGUE: Consistent monologe
DESCRIPTIONS: great discriptions
GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION No problems that I could see.
MY FAVORITE PARTS The end line was priceless.
I am not an expert on the English language. I might be wrong on everything that I say. So my advice on my advice is to keep the good and pitch the bad. Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
FIRST IMPRESSIONS The story was a little confusing on the second half.
PLOT I think that I get the plot. The young girl is fighting over wich mother to except and then her real mom dies.
CHARACTERS DIALOGUE: The dialogue was a little confusing. But I guess that a little girl in two houses would be a little confused.
I didn't find any problems with grammar.
I am not an expert on the English language. I might be wrong on everything that I say. So my advice on my advice is to keep the good and pitch the bad. Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
PLOT The plot was very straight forward except for the relationship with her cousin.
CHARACTERS DIALOGUE: I think that your dialogue was believable
GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION I think that the word is gall but I could be wrong. enough gull to
MY FAVORITE PARTS Her last parting lines were cute
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS The introduction could have a little more zip. At least that is what everyone tells me.
I am not an expert on the English language. I might be wrong on everything that I say. So my advice on my advice is to keep the good and pitch the bad. Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
FIRST IMPRESSIONS The first lines were a little confusing and could have had more detail.
PLOT The plot was a little unclear for the first half of your poem
DESCRIPTIONS: Your descriptions were very strong
GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION We walked back down the driveway, to cousin's trailer, where everyone
gathered and grieved and mourned. To cousins trailer should be a little smoother. Maybe to my cousin's trailer would work.
MY FAVORITE PARTS I couldn’t tell the difference
between the heavy odor of cat and the feel of humidity;
the sweat against my skin, or tears.
I am not an expert on the English language. I might be wrong on everything that I say. So my advice on my advice is to keep the good and pitch the bad. Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I liked your poem. I have tried a couple resently with not good results. But I think that the title could be a little more exiting. I'm not sure how of course. Difference in similarity
The line Where ever they can be found. is a little aquard. The idea of this poem is very good and I liked what you have done with it. But a review is only good if you can learn from it, even if it is wrong. So as I always say about my advice, keep the good pitch the bad. Look forward to your next work. Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I don't like amusment park rides. Which helps me identify with wore character. There was an an where there could be an a. Plot: An ride turns into a deeper experience
The first sentence could be stronger and express some of the excitement or fear. I am not an expert on short stories. All that I can do is give my oppinion. That is why I say with reviews keep the good and pitch the bad. Read you later.
I find the clashes between my memories and yours very interesting. It's almost like there are two stories coming together. One gets layered over the other. But it still helps me remember my good stories. I especially like the phrase another layer to their collage of memories. I never thought about memories like that one over the top of the other. good read. Read you later. I still don't know how to mark my reviews. This is a part of the showering acts of joy review.
Your contest page was very informative. I liked the fact that you are generous and helping out other fundraisers. (most of which are fundraisers). I think that this sentence is a bit of a run on. I will send emails out to members when new contests come up and you have the opportunity to sign up and participate for that particular contest. I'm not an expert on grammar so I could be wrong. With my advice I always say keep the best, pitch the rest. Read you later.
Reviewer's club.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rjquinnell/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 1:49pm on Jul 01, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
