This I/O is a great idea. It's fun to be creative predicting doom, gloom and the mundane in fortune cookies. *chuckles* It's also challenging to think up something that is interesting, unique, and still depressing.
I remember emotions like these from a few years ago when I was younger. At 15 I reached a point when I started wondering what it was all about and why we bothered at all. Sometimes the world was a particularly scary place.
Suggestions:
I recommend checking your spelling. There are a number of spelling errors. Such simple errors detract from poetry and presentation so it's important to offer your very best when allowing others to read your work.
Line 3, 5, and 10 all have spelling errors.
You might also want to consider adding some punctuation. While having zero punctuation can be acceptable in poetry I've always felt poetry benefits from being correctly puncutated and in this case I think your poem would be better expressed if you took the time to add appropriate puncuatation.
My Favorite Part:
I really loved: no God to believe in
a church with no steeple
This is a great visual and powerful statement that really drives home the chaos of a reality apart from our own. There are actually churches that don't have steeples but connecting it with the lack of a God makes it clear that this is more than simply a steepleless church.
Overall:
I think you've got the basis for what could become a remarkable poem. I think if you really dig into the emotion this poem sprouts from and try to capture it with the full intensity of the way you feel you could draw it even further out. Think of some more strong visuals that connect to the way you feel.
Using poetry to express your emotions is a wonderful tool for drawing out the pain. I think you've started a great journey and I look forward to watching your poetic gifts grow as you write more and more poetry.
I loved the strong, dominant words you've used and the creative, visual rhymes. You state with force the message of this poem with clear determination and strong imagery.
Suggestions:
I noticed you've got this set into four line stanza's and I understand why that might have been important with the given rhyme scheme however the break between line four and five make the statement disjointed when it reads as if it is all part of a single thought.
I'd be inclined to either take out the spacing so that it's all one block instead of three stanza's. You could also if you prefer have a 5, 3, 4 line poem however this is far less common and possibly even more distracting.
I also felt that after the sharp imagery and bold words and statements in the first two stanza's the third seemed to let down. The final stanza felt the weakest of the three and in a poem like this you need to end on a solid thought. If you think of it visually you come up shouting your message from the rooftops and then towards the end you become more timid, perhaps becoming concerned that people might disagree with you. With this kind of statement it's important to go on full force, be heard. Hope that makes sense, have a read and see if you can see what I mean.
My Favorite Part:
"And clears freedom's foundation
Of the debris of terror's revelation."
I love this part the most. You have alliteration in the freedom's foundation and also freedom's, terror. Also, the mixture of stresses is well balanced. Very powerful and brilliantly done.
Overall:
I think you've got a very powerful poem here. I love the message of finding a new beginning through faith and hope. "Resurrects Humanity" after war. This is a wonderful concept. Great job!
This is a great survey. It would be fantastic to see more members complete it. Thanks for all the wonderful services this site provide and for striving for excellence.
Ohhhh, writer tidbits. I carry the spiral notepads too. And exercise books I always have two of those in my purse just because I feel better writing prose on wider pages. Don't ask me why.
As for pens I buy blue ball points by the 100's. I have at least a dozen in obvious locations. A dozen in my desk draw, a dozen on my desk, a dozen in the CD rack above the desk, a dozen in the DVD cabinet a few feet away from my desk, a dozen in the kitchen cutlery draw, a dozen in the pantry, a dozen in my bedside table, a dozen in my underwear draw, a dozen in each of the kids underwear draws, and two in the draw in the bathroom. These are generally unused because when I try to write in the shower the paper doesn't much appreciate it. But sometimes I keep my notepad and a towel handy because for some reason some of my best ideas come when my face is covered in cleanser.
There I go rambling on the topic again. lol Another great, insightful article Hank and a delightful read. If you're going to make a habit of writer insights perhaps you'd consider turning them into a book item for easy reading? That way I don't have to hunt them down week by week. *grins*
*chuckles* You know I've developed the habit of watching where I put my feet firstly also. So many people think it's because I'm introverted. People who are confident look up and face the world. But I disagree. I developed the habit out of self preservation. Too many times in the past I'd stepped on unsuspecting bee's and being allergic to the little insects it was never a good thing. Now I watch my step and avoid stepping on them, it's also great for avoiding nasty rocks, glass, and dog poop.
Oh, and for the record, many mothers have developed third eyes also. *grins* Ohhh and I once found a $20 bill under the seat of a bus when I was about 10. Was the richest find ever and hell no I didn't hand it in to the bus driver. I kept that $20 and never regretted it for a moment. But if I didn't look down I'd never have found it.
Opps, um... Supposed to review stuff aren't I. Didn't notice any issues. You've got a great, easy voice that made reading this a delight. No glaring grammar or spelling issues shouting at me but maybe I was too distracted by the incredibly lively content to worry about those.
This is a lovely monologue and beautifully expressed. It gives the confusion and fear of an elder expectant mother very clearly. I imagine this topic could lead to a wealth of emotional poetry as well.
Suggestions:
Check your spelling of "amniocentesis" in the 9th paragraph.
This feels mostly like an outpouring of heart. Saying the truth of something that really happened. Therefore as it is you shouldn't change it. Heart is always best as it came. However if you wanted to you could turn this into a story, expanding on in, changing the POV perhaps and going into more detail about each of the scenes.
My Favorite Part:
My favorite part is the phrasing of the doctor when he tells the POV character she's pregnant. It's really quite a lovely way to announce it although in this case he seemed to be rather unintuative. But then doctors don't always know what's going on in their patients lives so I guess he might have thought the news welcome despite her age. I'd have thought most doctors would be more cautious about their approach when breaking the topic to a woman over 40. Still, the line is rather classic.
Overall:
You've written a very clear and touching monologue Dr. Angel I enjoyed reading it very much and look forward to finding more of your work around WDC. Thank you so much for sharing this with your readers.
Another great folder of stuff. Could help you to devide the word searches into another folder inside this one. There are so many that they kind of dominate the rest of the stuff here. The quiz gets lost amongst them. But this folder has heaps of entertainment value.
You know this one is actually a lot harder then it looks. lol I struggle to think them up and I mean I'm usually pretty good at games like this so it shouldn't be so difficult. But this is. I love a challenge though so when others have added a few I'll be back so that I don't feel like I'm monopolysing the whole I/O.
My first thought when I read this was that it was lovely. I'd read that you'd attempted your first sonnet and felt something missing but it didn't detract from the beauty of the poem.
Having said that, it's not officially a sonnet because a Shakespearean Sonnet requires a pentameter. Iambic Pentameter, that's five iambs per line. You've got iambic tetrameter which is for iambs per line.
It sounds great though and I wouldn't change the poem to fit the form. Just be aware that future sonnet attempts should have five feet. You call it the soft/hard beat in your description of form. What I'm saying is that the form has a specific number of them per line. da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM.
Check out my "Invalid Item" for examples from some of the Shakespearean Sonnets I've written and how the iambic pentameter is different to the tetrameter you've used here.
As I said before, the poem really is beautiful. I loved every part of it and wouldn't change it. I just wanted you to be aware that there was one more detail in the Shakespearean Sonnet form that isn't in your poem.
This is delightful and touching. I really enjoyed reading it. I can picture it as something children might sing to, like a nursery rhyme, not even realising how multifaceted it was.
Thanks for sharing.
mmmm tasty things. *munches on in-outs* Looking forward to seeing what else you put in here but it's a great folder worth of interactive activities that are sure to delight a great many WDCers. I know I'll be here frequently.
Happy WDC 6th Birthday. The site looks great but then it always does thanks to all your efforts. I just wanted to let you know that your Party Decorations aren't working properly. Your first sentence says, "Want to help us celebrate our 5th Birthday?" It's um, your 6th isn't it? *grins*
And the images keep giving me a warning that says, "Right click has been disabled for images." Since the instructions say we should right click and save them it means we can't.
I'd also thought for the sake of your server space you'd prefer people to use the images from your own port, linking to them via their item number, rather than each having copies in our own ports to use?
Other than that the decorations look fantastic. Thanks so much for all the effort you put into the site. I, and I'm sure so many others, really enjoy our time here and truly appreciate all you do for your users/members.
*sighs* I think this is the last item in your port and I've really enjoyed your work so it's kind of sad to say goodbye. I'll certainly be by from time to time to see anything that might have been added.
This poem is very sweet and I can resonate with it very well myself. I expect many women have someone dear to them in their heart, in their fantasies, and not in their lives, even if it's just a figment of someone we hope to find but have never met.
I felt the following line stumbled a little so you might want to have a closer look and see if you can smooth it out so that it flows as well as the others: I am overwhelmed just for the fact that you are near
I wish for one day I would awake and find those two worlds meet. This line would give the poem more symetery if it were devided into two lines. Your other stanzas are all 5 lines long and this one is 3+1. I understand why you've split the final line away from the rest but if you broke the line above it into two then you'd have 4+1 which is a 5 line like the other stanzas.
And finally, I recommend thinking up something different to put in the description. It can make a very big difference to how many people will come and see your item and so those 90 characters can be very important. Put them to good use.
Overall it's truly lovely. Thank you so much for putting your heart into all your work. This is the sign of a great writer and perhaps the biggest reason I've enjoyed my time in your port. I can see the joy and love of writing that will lead to brilliant works if allowed to develop and culture over time. Tend to the garden of your gift, write, and read, and write some more. I look forward to finding your works in print someday.
*sighs softly* This poem is simply beautiful. It feels like a teardrop on paper. The pure expression of sadness, loneliness, emptiness. I hesitate to suggest changing anything since I suspect this came straight from the heart and should remain intact.
Having said that if you were thinking of editing any of it the only line I'd suggest you look at is: A memory that was yet to be forgotten
Simply because the very essense of 'memory' is that it's something remembered and thus of course not forgotten. Perhaps instead of saying it was "yet to be" it would work better to say "soon to be" or "wished to be" or something like that. At the moment it reads like, "She remembered something she remembered." Where as she could remember something she wished to forget, or remember something she won't always remember. See the difference?
Anyway, as I said, it's possible you wouldn't want to change anything at all. When a poem is such a pure expression of a moments emotion it can sometimes be better just to let it be and move onto other poems knowing that the moment is forever instilled in this short peice. It really is lovely.
Me again. This poem has a beautiful message and some of your word choices are touching and wonderfully express emotion. I particularly enjoyed the last three lines, they really do give that 'spark' giving a bubble of energy, hope.
There were a few lines I felt you might be able to strengthen with just a little more careful editing:
All I felt I had left was weakness - Lots of short works at the beginning of this line tends to make it feel faster to read and throws it out of sync with the slower mete of the line above. Two versions I tried were, "All I felt I'd left was weakness", and the one I preferred, "All I felt remained was weakness". Play around with it a little yourself and see what you can come up with.
For this I did not have to grope - Ohhhh, we've talked about this before. Classic Yodaism. But beyond that I really felt this line sort of let down the lines around it. My emotions as a reader were mellow, somber and this line didn't feel in keeping with that mood. The hope/grope rhyme felt forced and I wondered if there was another way to portray your meaning without it feeling like it's put in there for the sake of rhyme.
And with it each cloud will have a silver line - Ok, silver lined clouds are a cliche. There is nothing wrong with using on sparingly but personally I'd encourage you to come up with phrases that could become cliche's that YOU wrote instead of using the worn one's of former poets. If you want to stay with the cliche however then you should be away that a silver line is NOT silver lining. I know you wrote it as line to rhyme it with shine above but instead of seeing clouds filled with silver the line gave me visions of arrows peircing clouds which is not what I think you were aiming for here. At this point we're trying to see the turn around from despair to hope so you really do need to be careful to avoid words that can confuse things.
All new dreams flood my head - I'm pretty sure this is a meter issue. I know you probably haven't followed any particular meter to write this poem however most of it flows well and the flow relates to meter. In this case you have two stressed syllables together when the lines either side alternate the stress. The easiest way to fix it would probably be to put a comma between dreams and flood. This would give the reader a reason to pause when reading it and the pause could act as the unstressed syllable instead of a word. Of course you might find rewriting the line works better for you and you may come up with an even sharper way to portray this image.
Finally, punctuation, and lack there of. Every line in this poem is enjambed. Actually every line except the last. It's as if the whole poem is one long, drawn out sentence. There are a couple of comma's that at least give readers a chance to catch a breath. It's a beautiful poem and punctuation can make a huge difference to it's clarity.
Overall this is a lovely poem with an emotional connection I'm sure everyone can relate to. I love how the emotion flips, from despair into hope giving readers a sense of well-being by the end. I think if you put a little more time into thinking of some more word choices, sharper sentence structure and perhaps some stronger imagery you could make this an incredible poem. You definately show a knack for capturing feelings.
This is a great wordsearch. I loved the challenge and some of your words are brilliant choices. Thanks so much for an entertaining few minutes. *grins*
This is a great wordsearch. I had a lot of fun and you've selected some wonderful words. Thanks for brightening my day with a challenging and entertaining search.
This poem is touchingly emotional and connects deeply. I really enjoyed some of the very strong, vivid words used and parts felt almost like a sad sigh.
There were a few points I felt could tidy the poem up and make it flow better. Some of the lines felt a little jarred when read aloud, in a way this worked because it forced me to pause and reflect on the line a moment before moving on. But it did detract from my overall enjoyement.
Also: No longer with this, I can bear and Your lies no longer I will fall for *chuckles* I love to find these, it is what I've taken to calling a Yodaism. *grins* As in a sentence out of order. It's generally discouraged to Yodarise poetry just to fit rhyme. I'd recommend trying to rewrite this and the rhyming line so that you find one that reads forward. Having said that you've Yodarised a few lines in this poem so perhaps it's a theme you can work with.
Ohh and you know one last thing? You need a title *grins* Untitled is just slack. I bet you can think up a title if you give yourself a few minutes. You've already shown your creativity. So, get a title on this one.
Told you I'd be back, sorry it's taken so long to return to your portfolio. This poem touches a lovely subject and you've done an excellent job with the rhyme scheme. I love the message you're sending and the clear way you put it across to your reader.
I did feel that this poem lacks some more emotion-hitting words. Some good ones you use are dwell, release, and vow but I felt that some more stronger words could have been used.
There are also a few lines that could be made stronger. For example: Don’t dwell upon a painful past
Don’t even shed a tear
Bad memories should never last
So do not hold them dear
That example might be a little flat but I just wanted to show you how a word or two can tighten up the 'meter' of the poem. I don't know if you were after any specific meter but it flows very well for the most part and so a couple lines could pull it together even better. Other lines to consider are lines 7, 10, 11, and 12.
Overall I think it's a lovely poem and your description is perfect. Thanks so much for the delightful read to start my day.
Have fun and keep writing.
Yours Truly,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Beautiful! This captures such an incredibly stunning visual that I envy your eyes for having seen the sight. *chuckles* That's a bit rediculous of me since it's not that your eyes saw a more beautiful sky then I've ever seen it's just that your words make it so much more.
Just a few things I noticed that you could tweak to make this perfect:
The word angles I believe should be angels
I sighed in delight when I saw that crescent shaped figure gleaming further than the eye could see.
Um, this is what I'd consider an oxymoron. You sighed in delight when you saw something you couldn't see? I think the sentence just needs a little clarification. I believe you mean that the gleam stretches out of sight. I'm not entirely sure but it's definately worth having a look at this one to see if you can make your meaning clearer.
The word setting I believe should be settling I'm not positive but I can't seem to 'see' something being set to sleep.
Beyond these very slight blemishes on the crystal clear window to the sky outside your room, the rest is brilliant. I really loved it the visual imagery. It almost makes me wish you could use the peice for something more but I can't imagine where it could fit. It's TOO descriptive and intense to really work as the scene of a short story or novel. It's almost poetic in the crafting of the words but it's not poetry. It stands alone and yet on it's own it doesn't seem to have a category under which to gain publication. It's worthy of publication but finding the niche to publish it would be difficult.
I have to stop raving about all the great things lol it's taking up too much of my reviewing time and you've got so many more peices in your port I want to get to. From what I've seen so far I have a feeling I'm going to love every moment of this raid.
Beautiful and it flows very well with clear images and strong words. We were talking about this poem in chat before so I've got a little insight into what you were trying to achieve and while the poem on it's own without thinking of that works beautifully I wanted to see if we could really draw out your attempts to sharpen the concept.
"Silence is golden", a little clique but the mixture of two senses is very clever. The next line reinforces that and makes a strong statement invoking a lack of visual with is a visual in itself. *chuckles*
The first two lines are brilliant actually and I love them when you look deeper to context and meaning and really study them.
Lines 3 and 4 however seems less concrete. It feels unresolved. Yes the last line is a resolution on it's own but it doesn't resolve line 3. To me it feels more like line 4 is a sepate entity from line 3 and the comma is out of place. But I also think that it's perhaps the structure of the last line that makes them not join together like they should.
Ohhh I think I've figured it. I think the use of the meter there to make it flow (even if unintentionally placed) means the bottom line copped an extra word that shouldn't have been there. Yes it's important to keep the blow but the word 'now' changes the connection. Reworking the bottom line so that it's still got that meter but doesn't use the word now would probably help clear the confusion.
You've done a brilliant job capturing the creativity of mixed senses. It's sharp and effective and while short really does say exactly enough to be a full complete thought. It's a poem. (yes there are some poem-like substances out there that aren't poems) Beautiful, Forge, simple (and yet complexly) beautiful.
This is really clever. You know I think there is a poetry form (maybe more than one) that does this but I don't know enough about that form to know if you were deliberately trying to follow it. If you were then what's the form I'd love to be able to judge this with that in mind. If you weren't then very well done on doing something unusal and making it work. Oh, btw the this I mean is having the last word of each line repeated at the beginning of the next.
I love the expressive words you've brought out in this poem. Visual, evocative and powerful words crafted together to make images that are just as stiring.
The negative I felt about this poem was that it jarred a little when I was reading it. The images flow nicely but I didn't feel like they joined up with each other, line to line, stanza to stanza very cleanly. Yes, I know you dread the word flow but I also know having read some of your other poems that you're capable of it so I'm not going to go easy on you when I find a brilliant diamond in here where flow is the only issue.
Of course I'll explain the easiest way to figure out where it does and doesn't flow is to read it aloud. Use your voice and say it nice and loud, speak clearly as if you're standing at an open mic night or writers conference reading your poem to an audience. Sometimes I record myself reading a poem I'm working on and play it back to myself. Because when you say it aloud you can hear your voice, you see where your tongue stumbles and you really 'feel' the jolts of where it jars.
As I said, flow is the only thing I think could be improved in this poem. Everything else works brilliantly. This is a masterful poem and I think it's the best of what I've read from your port so far. I want to see more.
mmm this is rather invoking and you've captured something unique. The rhyme scheme, aaaab ccccb is something I've not seen before and it really works well here. It's kind of like a drumbeat all of it's own.
As I read the first verse I felt a let down on the last line. You've drummed me, got my heartrate up with strong rhymes, gone, long, song, wrong. They're solid and give each line that last oomph. (a word my mother uses roughly translates so something like a final hurrah, cheer, push or some such but is more than that) But then the next rhyme is 'you' which is kind of more like letting air out of a balloon. It's gentle soft and tender and doesn't give a final dramatics like the four lines above. Usually the FINAL line in each stanza needs to be the MOST all emcompassing. It leads onto the next stanza and you don't want your readers to deflate there because you want them to push into the next bit.
Basically what that translates to is that I felt the last line of each stanza needs more power. The rhyme 'you' can be powerful. You can make that word as the last of the line pulse. You just have to give what comes before it more solidity.
Having said that it's not an easy thing to do here. I'm looking at your lines trying to figure out how I'd do it if it were my poem. I don't have time (got to many reviews to get done so I can catch up to Sherri) to focus on that at this point and it's your poem anyway so I'll leave it to you to do. It can be done but it'll take time and a bit of sandpaper to find what would perfect those lines. At the moment it just feels like it's missing something.
There was one image that I didn't connect with. It's not my phobia of bee's that causes me trouble I assure you.
Second stanza: I look in the mirror and all I see is me,
Your missing from the scene,
Like stinging from a bee,
Its hurt the heart of me,
Living without you.
For starters I think perhaps the punctuation needs to be looked at. Are you certain those should all be comma's? The line "Like stinging from a bee" changes depending on if it's connected to the line above or the line below and it doesn't seem able to connect to both. Your missing from the scene,
Like stinging from a bee.
or Like stinging from a bee,
its hurt the heart of me,
It's possible that part of the issue isn't the punctuation but rather the tense. Like stinging, or like a sting, or like a stinger. As I said, you can play with it a little if you get a chance and see what it could become.
Beyond those small things I really enjoyed the message, the heart, in this peice. "Without You" It's solid, strong, and heart-wrenching. Oh but to have love that is like this. *chuckles* I think so many of us want love to touch us to the very core. Passionate love. Transcendental love. Eternal. I really enjoyed how this poem captures the POV of someone who's right at that moment feeling like that love is all that is or ever will be again, and is ripped apart because it's all gone.
Some nicely weighted words go together here and there is a story in this poem. You go from having the key, to finding the lock, and then to opening the heart. It's very cleverly done and it makes me intrigued to see if I could write a poem that does the same sort of thing. It's a progression from beginning to end and I really like that aspect about it.
Of course it's supposed to be a love poem and I felt a little let down. It doesn't have enough of your heart in it. I didn't get the impression that you really meant this that you resonated it within your being.
Forgive me for turning into one of those wacky councellors we've had occassion to laugh and cry about. - Gets fraudlin on you, it FEELS like you're holding back, afraid to love. I mean YOU might not be, but this poem, about love, feels restrained.
Each stanza also feels upside down. *chuckles* It's actually very strange for me to feel that way and it honestly made me blink and say, "Wouldn't that sound better up the other way? Here let me show you what I mean:
I’ve got the key to your heart,
I won’t let go;
I know the person you are -
I see you glow.
I see you glow -
I know the person you are.
I won't let you go:
I've got the key to your heart.
The shorter lines above give you a solid base and then the final line, longer just seems to give that base a topic. The other two stanza's don't port quite as beautifully and with as few changes as this one but I feel like those would work better up the other way too.
There is definately a beautiful gem in here Forge. I can see it gleaming there. It's touching and I think with a little more polish it'll really capture readers and say YES! THAT is love.
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