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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rmcgee
Review Requests: OFF
421 Public Reviews Given
425 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Mostly just bitchin'. If it's great writing I switch over to nit-picking but usually I'll find something to like. Please don't ask me to review poetry unless you're either James Fenton, Seamus Heaney or thick skinned as an elephant... I absolutely hate bad poetry. I'm the terror of the dactyls, I swat them with my hat. I'll have no truck with trochees, coz life's too short for that. Seriously I'm not qualified. I mean a metre is made up of feet? Like what?
I'm good at...
Nit picking. Spotting big fat slabs of exposition pretending to be dialogue. Fighting my way out of paper bags.
Least Favorite Genres
Anything that might be expected to rhyme or scan but doesn't.
Favorite Item Types
Personal preference is narrative fiction.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of The Great Un  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, first off, I thought this was pretty good (please ignore the rating, I'm not qualified to rate so I rate everything 3, however good.)

One suggestion: lead with a strong, active sentence (or paragraph). Maybe the "f*** luck..." para (maybe change the next few paras to past tense?), I think it would increase the impact of the work.

Just my penny's worth. Regards


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2
2
Review of Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great little poem. It's rhyming scheme is strict and it's meter is fairly strong. The language is simple and direct, yet strong and evocative. I can see that great bird sweep over the boiling sea...

The third line has a particularly nice beat pattern deriving I think from the combination of m sounds, man, amongst and multitude.

My attention was caught by the last line. It stands in relation to the second line and I expected it to mirror the second line. It does but I found it somewhat jarring that the verb in one is a simple present and the other an -ing form (gerund? Sorry I forget..) also the two lines, by my counting have 5 and 7 beats, which is a little off. I wonder, if the last line were changed to seeks the parallelism between the lines would become closer and the syllable count would tighten the metrical pattern?

Best wishes and good luck with your writing.


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3
3
Review of U.S. Route 23  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm afraid to say I couldn't make out what effect was intended here.

After an introduction that suggests a guy setting off to start a new life in Florida we suddenly find he's on a treasure hunt.

After 3 paragraphs of him setting off alone, suddenly an unmentioned companion appears.

Pacing is somewhat odd. The sunrise gets two paragraphs when the number it needs is none but the treasure hunt is covered in such scant detail I had no idea what was going on.
The characters have no internal life. The girl is apparently pregnant but she doesn't seem to notice and nor does he. Does that matter? Who knows, by now I was so confused I had no idea what I was supposed to think. Maybe if I knew more about the geography and culture of the areas described...

I've rated it 3 but pay no attention to that. I don't believe writing.com should have a rating system at all.


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4
4
Review of The Weight  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this. It has a simple understated style but this only increases its impact. The effect is immediate, compelling and universal. (Is it a Haiku? I forget the syllable count and it doesn't feature seasons.)

Best wishes and good luck with your writing.


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5
5
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
An enjoyable poem. It's about something definite and I applaud that. The imagery is concrete and interesting. And there is a perceptible sense of progression, of progress, palpable among the words.

On the downside, I'm a stickler for rhythmic conventions and rhyming schemes and I feel unable to give a perfect score to a piece that doesn't adhere.


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6
6
Review of Rubik's Cube  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is nicely written. The mechanics, the grammar, the formatting and so on are all faultless as far as I can see.

Unfortunately the essential heart of the story, the significance of the Rubik cube completely past me by. As a result the ending left me cold. My bad I expect.

Good Luck with your writing.


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7
7
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Supposedly it was Robert Frost who said that poetry without a formal structure, like a rhyme scheme was like “playing tennis without a net.” personally I'm a fan of formal rhyming schemes so I have to mark down for that.

But I don't see the cleverness in such structures.
But I don't see the cleverness.
But I don't see.

first known occurrence of superhuman is AFAIK Circa 1630. Bit late for middle ages.


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8
8
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I'm not at all sure how to review this. The subject matter is technical and I can't comment on its value.

But as regards the language, the piece is not easy to understand. Some paragraphs I don't get at all. Several word choices seem most peculiar. I wonder whether "circadian musicality" should be read as "circadian rhythm"?

Other sentences I couldn't even guess at the intended meaning.


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9
9
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
There are some interesting lines here but overall this is hard going.

All the caps is pretty hard to read. Punctuation is odd too and doesn't help comprehension. Line breaks would help to. Readers aren't psychic. I suggest if the author was to give some consideration to the audience they might find their readers more receptive.

Just saying.


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10
10
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A dramatic adventure story. Mechanics are flawless and once it gets going it's fast paced.

There were a number of things I found troubling though.

The character of the soldier in the truck. Look at the floor he shouts. Sounds like a nervous soldier not a confident one to me. Then when he has to warn his disobedient prisoner the second time, he doesn't escalate from shouting, he hasn't lost his temper, in facthe seems to have become calmer. Seemed odd to me.

I spied a wooden dock. I presume this is to be taken in the sense of a jetty. Threw me out of the narrative.

My body moved like a lithe dolphin coursing through the water like an expert marksman.
An expert marksman who can also swim like a dolphin, presumably. Also does lithe add anything? It wasn't one of those fat ole couch dolphins then?

the American checkpoint was ablaze in the moonlight.
Humm? It was really on fire? Lit up? Caught in the moonlight? Had me wondering.

Boots scrambled behind me. my eyes drifting past the canvas walls. It's a style I guess but P personally I dislike these inanimate object and body part constructions.

Did like the moon like a proud cat.

Best wishes.


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11
11
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A dramatic and life changing scene. Final moments are well done and evocative. Mechanics and so on are faultless.

On the downside, I never felt much sense of where we are. Maybe it was established in a previous section but it might have been good to have the waking character glance around at the familiar beams, cold stones, ancient moth eaten tapestries or some such.

The initial dialog between the characters is also a bit slow. I wonder whether Lord N could be more strongly engaged- Have slept badly, had premonitions of doom, dreams of death.

Spelling of the man's name (unless there's two) is sometimes Joranthon and sometimes Joranthan.
Personally, I found "pants" anachronistic compared with the rest of the world-building. Hose? Trousers?

Best wishes and good luck with your writing.


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12
12
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An interesting set up. Unfortunately, (I'm not the quickest on the uptake) I'm afraid I completely failed to grasp what was going on in the denouement or who Claire was.

Third to last para unless there are any cetaceans about, I suspect the intended word is wailing.

Best wishes and good luck with your writing.


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13
13
Review of Narcissist  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice. Simple. Straightforward. Has the feel of honesty and truth. Written with passion. Eloquently expressed. It strikes me there is a sufficient storehouse of emotion to be worked out in a much longer narrative.
Best wishes and good luck with your writing.


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14
14
Review of Cat Walk  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A curious little story. Brings to mind Thurber who, as I expect you know, wrote a number animal stories.
The jokes are pretty dodgy but it works.
Might have been good if there was a bigger finish but c'est la vie.
Best wishes and good luck with your writing.


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15
15
Review of Math Test  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice piece. It's simple but it effectively communicates the feeling of the main character. I liked details like not hearing, not tasting.
One cliche: Salt in the wound. But I guess in a character's voice it's fine.
Best wishes and good luck with your writing.


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16
16
Review of Derby County  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm not a Derby fan but everyone loves a puzzle so fair enough. Shinnie took a long time to find. So did Bird. Found Wisdom while looking for watson. Thought the solve puzzle button was interesting. I didn't know writing.Com could do things like that.
Regards
17
17
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Some great plot ideas here but unfortunately the style could be, well, more immediate.
The first few paras? Blah! It's just not drama. Can the reader say they feel like they were present at any of these events? I didn't.
After that we come to the section beginning: a few days later... This has great potential but all that exposition beforehand drags it down. I suggest leading with the wolf and kicking all that exposition into touch. You can bring it in when you've got the reader to care.
And at all times keep it in the moment, sensory, grounded.


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18
18
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
As a pitch or a blurb it strikes me this is a bit vague. In what general area is the girl special? What's her journey? Why should we care?
And a great evil? That's almost completely generic.
Also these illiads that are like mages or elementals, AFAIk mages are humans who, though craft, have acquired the ability to use magic whereas elementals are minor supernatural beings.
Not much similarity.


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19
19
Review of A Trip To Nowhere  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
There's clearly a lot going on here so that's good.
It struck me the style could have been more sensory. We're told the door is heavy iron, but how does the character know? Rust? Rivets? We're told the pins slip into place when we could have heard them click.
My main issue though, was I didn't get what genre this was. Is it supernatural? Is Dmitri actually speaking? Or is it psychological, Vladimir driven mad by his torment? Maybe it's intentionally ambiguous but I just felt I'd missed something and it kind took me out of the narrative.


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20
20
Review of A Medal for Sven  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First off, I think this is good. Nonetheless, I'm going to pick holes because that's the name of the game.
First sentence, ok but not outstanding. How about leading with, sentence 3, which is a great sentence?
line 4. Nice. I felt it was strong enough that it pointed, indeed begged another sentence or more of character mental state.
Para 6. The birds? What birds? Perhaps: A flock of birds ...
Para 7-10. I had difficulty with this. Think new element needs more clarity than the stranger. While keeping the obfuscation. That's great.
Para 13 : As he thought of the hate that rose up inside him... why not just hate rose up inside him?
After that things go on pretty sweet.
Sven stopped his sniveling... snivelling? two lines ago he was happy. he makes one indecisive comment? harsh.
Resolution has a decent sense of closure.


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21
21
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I don't know what this is intended to bring to my life.
It has perhaps the quality of those fragments one sometimes holds onto from a dream, which remain numinous though the rational mind has forgotten why.
Unfortunately, the other way round, at least for me it was un-affective.
Perhaps chanted like a mantra it might access something but here I just see words.


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22
22
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting conundrum.
But I think as it stands there's a fundamental problem here. I think that to engage with the material, the reader needs to be asking yes, I do wonder what that music was and they can't because the reader is stone walled by the music being impossible to describe. To my mind it just rips the heart out of the piece. I think you need to forget temporal correctness and tell us. After all this is not a diary.
Towards the start I think it might aid comprehension to rearrange sentences 3 and 4 to get the walking down the aisle in earlier as it really clarifies the surrounding material.
Para 8. Tired from studying? Strikes me tired of studying ?
Then the conclusion, I guess we feel glad that you solved the mystery, but without any idea what the music sounded like there's no real Aha! moment.
Technical stuff: spelling, grammar, layout all fantastic.


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23
23
Review of Haunted Requiem  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I thought this was quite effective... The first para has an intriguing valence and going forward, there's just enough context without being heavy handed with exposition.
A few things concerned me though - like para 3. My plaintive babble rings out clear within the closet... The character's in a cupboard? If so the idea doesn't seem to be followed through. Or is there some other reading of this? Generally I think staging is overly ambiguous. Ok, the voice is generally ambiguous so it's consistent I guess but as regards staging I think the staging could be tighter.
With each passing day she watches over me, At First reading I thought this indicated we had shifted temporal perspective but apparently not.
All in all, an interesting exercise in narrative impressionism. Vaguely poe? Or ecco? (Or maybe that's just a closet thing.)
or Ecco?


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24
24
Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I had lost confidence in the writing by the close of the first para.
Four identically structured sentences. He..., he..., he..., he...
Then a bland language choice: He jumped down from the four foot truck. Really? No attempt to identify genre or epoch. Was it a dirty diesel, battle - scarred diesel? A tesla? A horse drawn vehicle?
Next few paragraphs are I think wrong. Yes, they offer some visual detail but we the reader are supposed to be in the mind of the protagonist and he shouldn't be reviewing his fancy armour he should be focused on his goal and telling us why we should care.
Also to my mind the tenses need work.
By this point I'd had enough. If I had picked this up in a bookshop I'd now put it down again. Doesn't pass the scan test.


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25
25
Review by RobMcGee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is pretty good. Some nice conflict and clear character goals. Overall it's clear and concisely written but give us a break on the speech tags!
warned, blubbered, stated, growled, agreed, Agreed, alleged and finally grouched.
Too much! It would read stronger with most of these replaced by plain old said.


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