At first when I saw this story I thought the wall of text that are your three paragraphs would be a problem but I was wrong. They worked wonderfully. The story really caught my attention and you could say the paragraphs being this big helped by keeping a constant level of tension.
Though I think it'd be a good idea to split it as it might turn off some readers. Your choice.
Anyways this was a good story, kept me on my toes. Although the reactions of the character in this sentence felt a bit exaggerated and redundant:
"It almost hurt to even breathe as she felt like her heart would break her chest cavity to try and burst free and high tail it outta there."
You did a good job at painting Janie as a character. Lonely woman, bit poor, hates her mum, has a point to prove. Her motivation for turning around just to shame her mother seemed a bit extreme but one could argue that she was doing it to justify turning around, so I can't say much in that regard.
As for the ending, it was a bit confusing with the constant scratching under her bed. Why doesn't she check under the bed? How come she's not afraid of the situation that happened, does she think it's a nightmare? Is the scratching a metaphor for silence. Was the whole situation due to the silence. Guess it's open for interpretation but it's still a bit confusing none the less.
As for what I liked - you did a good job with the third person POV, really got me into the head of the character and I didn't notice any slips, you should check out the "Just One Point of View Contest".
And finally a minor mistake.
"From the way it the lack of noise would almost become a noise itself oppressive and grating on her ears" - I think you should remove the it or add a coma or dash.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 1:20pm on Dec 03, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "