This poem is certainly filled with emotion, no doubt about that. I enjoyed reading it and appreciate you sharing it. I enjoyed the second stanza the most. It was the most unique stanza. I really like taking the little details and using them to give you a full picture of the person. The line about old spice perfuming the air was nice. I always feel like lines relating to smell have a particular impact on bringing the reader in to the picture. That stanza is what made this poem more personal to me.
On the other hand, there are a number of other places where the poem feels rather generic. It talks about general ideas of a parent dying and going through the process. I felt like the weakest stanza was the seventh. The ideas here seem rather cliche, and the last line seems like it is forced just to rhyme with second line. As far as the rhyming goes, I would recommend either picking a set scheme (like ABCB) or abandoning it altogether. This poem seems strongest when it does not try to rhyme.
Anyway, thank you for sharing such a personal experience, and keep up the good work.
Really liked your poem. You've got some really solid metaphors here, especially in the final two stanzas. I like the internal rhyme in "And you, maker of blues," it really adds to the rhythm.
On the other hand I thought the weakest line was the beginning of the second stanza where you say "Time stands still between us." The idea of time standing still is a pretty thorough cliche. While the idea certainly fits well with the poem, you might try to flesh out a more inventive way of saying it. Also to start the poem I would maybe go with
I know that look.
Self-satisfied. Ego fed.
or
I know that look
of self-satisfaction. Your ego fed.
But of course I'm no expert. Those may not be the best options but the word agreement felt off in this first two lines.Thanks for sharing. Good stuff.
Very interesting poem! Certainly not the typical type of poem I'm used to finding on here
Pros - Nice entertainment value. A satirical poem with animals acting out current event problems makes for an interesting read. It's nice to see a poem that strays from any sort of conventional topic. I think you level of language is appropriate for the piece. Your tone has an almost conversational feel to it, which I again think is the appropriate level for a piece like this.
Cons - the number one issue I think this poem has, is that the rhymes here are forced. Given the fact that you use an aaaa,bbbb,cccc rhyme scheme where every line is rhymed, that's really hard to avoid. The more glaring instances I thought occur in the 3rd line of stanza four where you say the "bear couldn't hear good" where in order to rhyme you actually use incorrect grammar. the bear should be hearing "well." The rhymes seemed to be the most forced in line 3 of each stanza.
Suggestion: You might try a rhyme scheme like ABCB, DEFE, etc. so that you aren't forced to conform to rhyme on every line.
Interesting read. I enjoyed it. Keep up the good work!
Nice topic for a poem! There's definitely something poetic about a redwood for anyone who has seen one up close.
Pros - I like that your entire poem focuses on nature, not just of the redwood, but also in terms of the environment it exists in. I think you made the right choice here in not trying to form the poem to any rhyme scheme. The flow is fine without forcing any rhymes. Your line length is concise and fairly steady.
Cons - In the fourth line I felt "ultraviolet" was unnecessary. The rays are UV rays but I don't think it adds anything by mentioning that. In the next line I would change "earthly" to "earthy." I think that meaning is more what you're going for here. Also, in the first line, your syntax structure threw me off. I would change it to "Majestically climbing skyward." Finally, I felt like the poem depends too heavily on listing off adjectives to describe earth, soil, etc. I think they poem could be stronger if you veered away the adjective, adjective, noun structure you frequently use here.
Despite the issues I mention here, I do think it's a nice poem. I think if you allude to the dead tree at the end enriching the soil for a new tree to grow you could really drive home your point.
Pros - I liked the poem you have here. I head to read it a few times to start to really feel like I had a firm grasp on the meaning, but that's usually a good thing. I think you really drive you point home in the final couplet. The structure works for me. I think it's important and beneficial that you have the offset 4 line stanza directly in the middle of the poem.
Cons - There were a few places where I felt the syntax structure made it more difficult to follow. Specifically how you first say "third eye, inner vision" with the comma then end with "third eye inner vision" with no comma. It may just be me but I read that quite differently depending on whether or not that comma is present.
Pros - Interesting idea you have here. I like it, especially the final line. I think the last line is by far your strongest, and carries with it heavy meaning under the straight forward language
Cons - There's a few lines where I would omit some words in order to make the work more coherent and to improve the meter and flow. Main examples are 2nd line I would shorten to simply, "We wish the best for one another." and 4th line from the bottom I would shorten to "We are no longer double." Gramatically, in the first line "ones" should be "one's" since your shortening "we know when one is in trouble." Finally I'm not sure about the word choice of console in the second to last line. Not sure it fits the meaning you're going for.
Just a few tips. I'm no expert, so your original way of doing things may be preferable to my suggestions. Nice poem - hope this helps!
Overall I thought the piece works pretty well. Considering how succinct the poem is, your imagery is quite effective. I felt like this was especially the case in the first two stanzas. The imagery there is rich and real. One change I would make in the second stanza would be to put quotes around "hush" so that it reads "As though to whisper, 'hush.'" I think it's important to show that the breeze is whispering this. As strong as the first two stanzas are, I felt like the last two were notably weaker. The first two lines of stanza four saying, "out from darkness and into light" seem cliche. You started with flowing, unique imagery, but you finish with a very general dark to light idea. Again, overall, I think you've done a commendable job considering the word count.
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