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765 Public Reviews Given
968 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos. I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.
I'm good at...
Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting. In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, erotica, romance, crime, thrillers, horror
Favorite Item Types
opening chapters and short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry, lyrics, interactive stories
I will not review...
Your shopping list. Anything else goes. *Bigsmile*
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi!

Welcome to WDC!

I saw this in "Noticing Newbies Newsletter (February 24, 2021)" Open in new Window. and thought I'd take a peak. Congratulations on being featured in the newsletter. *BigSmile*

What a great anecdote. I remember my friend Gary roping me into stealing matches from my elderly neighbor so we could set fire to the coal bunker at the bottom of his garden when we were about six. In hindsight, I suspect it was a converted Anderson shelter. A lot of coal bunkers in the South Yorkshire coalfields were at the bottom of the garden to allow distance in the case of a fire.

I really enjoyed your story. It's just the kind of thing my friends and I used to get up to. My uncle Ian was in Ireland during the troubles, so I had lots of bullets around the house I'd cadged from him along with a gas mask and other surplus gear. *Wink* Sadly, all lost now in the mists of time and many house moves. *Sob*

A few thoughts:

When you're writing this kind of story, it's a good idea to keep the "voice" within the vocabulary and experience of the viewpoint character at the time the story occurred. Generally, you did this well. However, you used a derivative of melancholy at one point, and that's not a word I would have even understood until I was in my twenties. *Wink*

Similarly, you allow adult reflections to creep in, such as when you're talking about the moving of the coal bunker. Moving a coal bunker etc is not only something a kid wouldn't think about but it's also irrelevant to the story and slows down the action. When you introduce adult reflections on the past, you're effectively reminding the reader that the story is not here and now and distancing them from the story. If you want the story to be more engaging, you need to remain in the moment.

That's just an opinion, though. Quite a lot of talented writers, like Spike Milligan, have continually broken this "rule" without any problem. So, just my opinion.

The sentence: "I don't think Cliff's dad ever realised he'd lost a bullet, I think that he'd already lost his marbles by then." needs to be two sentences for better impact, imho.

Best wishes,

Bob *Unicorn*




2
2
Review of The Semicolon  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi!

Sorry it took me so long to get around to this. I've been lazy about reviews.

I was pleased that you explained the use of the semicolon in easy terms and with examples. I know that a lot of people struggle with semicolons. I recall a Sherlock Holmes story in which a badly-written letter by an uneducated person was uncovered as a fake because the author correctly used a semicolon which Holmes concluded meant it was written by an educated person pretending not to be capable of grammatically correct composition.

I used to use semicolons a lot until I was told to leave them out by so many reviewers. There seem to be lots of anti-semicolon Nazis around these days. The idea they spout is that readers don't understand semicolons and so are put off by them. To be honest, I think it's true that many people don't comprehend the difference between a semicolon and a comma.

The most imaginative use I ever saw for a semicolon was in the novel Maps For Lost Lovers by Nadeem Aslam. In one paragraph, he wants to describe the protagonist's wife's bracelet and uses the analogy that it looks like a series of semicolons thus: ;;;;;;;;;; *Wink* I don't personally recommend the book, though it did receive widespread literary acclaim. Literary simply isn't my preferred genre. *Wink*

The only issue I had with your article was the example from MLKJ. The font you used was smaller than the rest of the article. Given that it's a relatively difficult sentence/paragraph to read, the small font size isn't helpful at that stage of your argument. In fact, I suspect it leads many readers to skip the ending, which is a shame since it's such a great sentence!

Note that according to Merriam-Webster, 'keyword' is usually written as a compound noun and not two separate words.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/key%20w...

Your section on sentence length was good as far as it went. However, although it mentioned long sentences for description and short sentences for reflection, it failed to cover the use of mixed sentence lengths within a paragraph to prevent boredom. Your paragraph actually implies that you should only use short and long sentences for the stated purposes. If you use all the same length sentences in multiple paragraphs, even if it's all short sentences in action scenes, the narrative lacks variety and becomes less engaging. A mixture of sentence lengths within most paragraphs is required for maximum immersion.

Anyway, sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Your article is simply great as it is.

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maps_for_Lost_Lovers...
3
3
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello THANKFUL SONALI Library Class!!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate header.

Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

You begin with a problem and immediately identify the characters. That provides a nice hook.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Although I liked that Hermoine's love of house-elves is mentioned and she is generally shown to be a nice person, her taking advice from Jeeves seems kinda out of character. She's always the truly bright one who comes up with the best ideas. It's Harry and Ron, especially Ron, who have bad ideas. Have you thought about making Ron the mc and Hermoine on holiday with her muggle family?

You rely on readers being familiar with Jeeves' and Hermoine's appearances rather than sketching them within your story. You can get away with that with Hermoine, but I think there will be a lot of people these days unsure who Jeeves is.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I wasn't entirely convinced by their non-magical solution. Also, if Jeeves lives at Hogwarts, how is he so familiar with the latest muggle technology? Your final resolution was funny. I liked that. However, the main resolution, the solution to the main conflict, came not from the protagonists but from an outside source, so it was a little Deus ex machina. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deus_ex_machina

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The pacing is good.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your narrative is clear and I can see what's happening at all times. You might like to make the language more active at times. Note the specific suggestions below.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Yes, they sounded like the appropriate characters. Well done!

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

You did set out the first scene very well. However, consider adding a bit more sensory information to the story, such as the smell of the drink or the leather and wood polish smell of the library etc.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

I like that the house-elves play an important part in the story.

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

Miss, you seem to be perturbed about something." -> cut "to be"

Jeeves put Hermione's goblet of pumpkin juice on the desk in front of her, having first moved aside the huge tome propped against the candle-stand there. -> cause before effect -> Jeeves moved aside a huge tome then set down a goblet of pumpkin juice next to the candelabra.

the way the sit on cake and rub their little legs -> they sit on cakes and

I tried to tell him they're pests and don't need to be care for. -> cared for or taken care of

"I have." / "Well, they're little creatures that can be operated by something called a remote control. -> Hermoine needs to tell Jeeves this, not Jeeves Hermoine, because she said she does know, so him repeating the information is the writer addressing the reader, while if she said it, it would be Hermoine addressing Jeeves.

accepted it at the gate and Hermione wiped the memory of the delivery-girl. -> at the gate, and Hermione wiped the delivery girl's memory.

Chaos reigned almost as badly as it had when Fred and George had let off their famous fireworks upon

He seems to have got a nice lot of plants for his lessons, -> He has found/procured a nice selection of plants for his lessons

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I think this starts well and the plot is good. The mosquito ending is great. I'm a bit concerned about Hermoine acting out of her usual character. The narrative needs a bit of tlc, imho.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" Open in new Window.

Novel Workshop Logo by Kiyasama


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Bond's Last Stand  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Odessa Molinari!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Awesome opening. I'd love to see an octagenarian 007! And you captured his character and humor very well, introducing the mc and hooking the reader.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Very good Bond character. I wasn't convinced about the nurses becoming ninjas without any other dedicated security. Don't get me wrong. I love the BBC TV show Our Girl about a military medic, so I can easily see that happening. However, I feel that in a location like this they would also have dedicated security staff that would outrank medical staff in an emergency situation.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The plot is great…so far. However, you have so much more potential here. He hasn't even used his armchair weapons yet!!! Have you ever seen Hot Fuzz? The guy in the weaponized wheelchair really holds his own in the high street shootout.

I feel you should have a few more guards, dedicated ones, who come into the room to help James. They should attempt to relocate him to a panic room. All the defenders except the nurse should get killed, and then James saves her life by pulling her onto his chair, pressing a button, and the chair shoots through the roof on rockets like the ejector chair on his Aston Martin…just sayin'! *Wink* Then, at the end, you could make it ironic by having him kiss the nurse, as you have, and then die from a heart attack with a smile on his face…that way you can keep your great ending. *Wink*

You need a few "try-fails", eg. guards come into help him, but they get shot down by terrorists. they try to move James to a panic room, but an explosion damages the doors so they won't open or something. He gets to the roof for a helicopter escape, but the helicopter is taken out with an RPG. You get the idea.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Pacing, at the moment, is a bit fast. That's because you haven't got any "try-fail" cycles in. you only have a "prepare-fail" and then it ends.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

It's generally clear. I have a few suggestions below.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The military talk doesn't work for me. Maybe do a bit more research there. Isn't roger only used on the radio?

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

A few good things. You need a panic room and some sensory information, such as hospital smells to begin with and cordite later on etc.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

An aged James Bond is an awesome idea. Very original and funny.

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

This needs to be much, much longer. You still have plenty of word count to use up before you meet the contest limit.

Specific points ->

"It's time for bed Mr. Bond." -> when speaking to someone, place a comma between what you say and their name, it's time for bed, Bob. You might also want to make the phrase more suggestive. A nurse might say, Shall we head for bed, now, James? When in longterm care, it's common for staff to become on a first-name basis with patients. And use of the royal "we" when persuading someone to do something is also common.

The curvy blonde in the figure hugging uniform -> a figure-hugging -> a hyphen is required, and you should use the indefinite pronoun "a" unless it's a very specific uniform or one we've seen before.

No time for that. The shutters were down. A hologram was talking to him. -> The armor-plated shutters rolled down. A hologram appeared and addressed him. -> more active.

"Your orders Commander?" -> comma before Commander. Also, as he's retired, there should be an actual commanding officer or senior non-commissioned officer here.

"Are all the patients guarded?" / "Roger." -> Are there no panic rooms here? I mean, if they have so much security with flack jackets and automatic weapons, it seems silly not to have a panic room that is much easier and more reliable to use until help requires. The use of "roger" becomes a bit repetitive. Check with someone who has worked with the Royal Navy, but I would think that a single "aye-aye, sir" followed by "yes, sir" after would suffice.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your story has an awesome premise and great mc. However, it's currently too short and the plot too linear. You need to develop it a lot more. If you throw in a few try-fail cycles and a more satisfying resolution, this could well be the contest winner, imho.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" Open in new Window.

Novel Workshop Logo by Kiyasama


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Ken!

I've come crawling back. Couldn't resist it anymore. I hope this review finds you well and enjoying your quarantine.

Structure
Generally, the AABB structure works well. The theme flows well within the structure and comes to a good conclusion at the end. The repetitions work well within the structure.

I'm not convinced that "moms" rhymes with "alms". *Wink* I'm not sure why "soldiers, dads, and moms" are capitalized, though I suspect you did this for emphasis concerning the past important positions these unfortunates once held. "Passersby" not "passerby's". " how can we reject/to acknowledge their pain" - this enjambment doesn't make grammatical sense. Perhaps, "reject/acknowledgment of their pain".

Content
As you may remember, this is the kind of theme that appeals to me, so obviously this poem meets with my wholehearted approval. I love the tumbleweed metaphor. The final suggestion, that we should show compassion to the tumbleweeds, is a great one, though I feel you could have delivered it with more strength given your level of talent.

I hope this helps!

Bob *BigSmile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Laurie Razor!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest" Open in new Window..

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#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

I liked how you visibly set the brown "chocolate eggs" in a sea of green grass when speaking of hiding them for the children to hunt. The unicorn horn ingredient was original, and I'm delighted that it was painless for baby unicorns. I loved how the meaning is forgotten and only the eggs remembered. *Laugh*

What might need work

He sets them free / To live as foal. -> them is plural, so foals, not foal.

Conclusion

You've gotta love bunny chocolatiers! Great poem. *Heart*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest


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7
7
Review of Waiting for sleep  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, NeedingBeachDuf 🐠⛵🏝️!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest" Open in new Window..

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#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

This is a truly unique and wonderful poem. I love it! I especially love the hot pink hoof polish she doesn't want to chip. *Laugh* There's also the beautiful emotions of a mother trying to do something really special for her child. Fabulous!

What might need work

You didn't really place any evidence that the mommy in this poem is a unicorn rather than a normal horse. I know fro the poem's description it is, and the hot pink polish also hints at it, but maybe you should have mentioned her horn at some point, or her foal's.

The foal is inquisitive ❓❓❓-> at this point in your poem, you're using the viewpoint of Mommy Unicorn, so "My foal is inquisitive" or maybe better, "My filly is inquisitive", to apply gender.

Maybe she will read my words -> at this point in your poem, you swap viewpoint from unicorn mommy to yourself. Why? It works better, imho, if the viewpoint remains that of Mommy Unicorn throughout.

Conclusion

What a wonderfully hot pink and fluffy poem! *Heart*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of The Petting Zoo  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Mastiff!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest" Open in new Window..

Image Protector
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The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest Open in new Window. (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

The story told within your poem was original and interesting with a strong ending. I liked your use of colors to mirror the animals' progress, where their life begins all grey and turns black, but then changes to vibrant colors when they escape and the magic rolls in.

What might need work

The lines read more like prose than free verse. Think about the tools used in poetry, such as assonance, alliteration, repetition, and succinct lines with powerful end words etc.

Conclusion

A worthy entry into the contest. *Delight*

Thank you for entering!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of chasing bunnies  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Rhyssa!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest" Open in new Window..

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The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest Open in new Window. (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

What a wonderfully original take on the prompt! I love your use of the bunny as a muse and the rabbit hole for the descent into plotting madness where weird and wonderful ideas kidnap the story and lead it in implausible and ridiculous directions. Steampunk unicorns? What a great idea!

twists and turns, up, / down, all around, lost / silver horns and copper cogs - love the alliteration, internal rhyme, and assonance.

I laughed at the seventy-two pages lapse.

*Heart*

What might need work

Nothing. This is fantastic!

Conclusion

A truly marvellous poem.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Jeannie's Jingle Bells☃️!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest" Open in new Window..

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The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest Open in new Window. (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

I liked that you created a place where unicorns are born during the Easter period and bunnies go to visit them.

What might need work

Although I liked how you brought the bunnies and unicorns together, you don't really provide a motive. Why do the bunnies go to see the unicorns? Apart from seeing them, what do they do in this magical land? Why are unicorns born at Easter? I suppose it's good that your poem raised so many questions in my head, but I would have liked some answers within the lines of your poem.

Conclusion

A thought-provoking poem.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, trailerpark bodhisattva!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest" Open in new Window..

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The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest Open in new Window. (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

You address two serious and linked issues: freedom and belief; the conviction we hold that we possess freedom. You make interesting use of the rabbit to contrast its relative freedom, unconstrained by laws and social mores, to human notions of freedom. You further point out that our conviction is simply a belief rooted in our ethnocentric and anthropocentric belief system.

What might need work

To me, this reads more like "free verse" than structured.

running endlessly from monsters with shining bodies and stinking belches -> this sounds like a very specific foe, but I couldn't work out what it was. Foxes are the first that come to mind, though eagles and wolves are partial to rabbit pie, too. But the stinking belches confused me as I don't really associate it with these creatures. However, the juxtaposition of "shining bodies" and "stinking belches" does sound quite poetic.

I was rather confused by the line - "Belief is nonexistent for those who would ignore truth". I would have thought that those who ignored the truth found it easier to believe in mythical creatures.

Conclusion

You have an interesting premise here but could perhaps have been a little clearer. Having said that, some of the deepest poems rely on ambiguous verses.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of Easter Friends  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, IceSkatingSugarCube!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest" Open in new Window..

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The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest Open in new Window. (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

This is short and sweet. I love how you show rather than tell that the unicorn and bunny are soft toys rather than real creatures through the plastic grass. Your poem captures the magic of childhood and those wonderful Easter Egg hunts. I liked the way you used a combination of assonance and alliteration in lines like "For plastic is the grass, and wicker the walls" where you associate 'plastic and grass' through assonance and 'wicker and walls' through alliteration. I also like the association of lucky and seven. *Heart*

What might need work

In the line "A small hand tosses pastel eggs in the grass", I didn't get why the small hand was doing that. I assume that the small hand means this is a child, but wouldn't the child be searching for eggs rather than hiding them?

Conclusion

This is a really cute poem about children at Easter.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Prosperous Snow celebrating!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest" Open in new Window..

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The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest Open in new Window. (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

The story in your poem was humorous and flowed well. You made good use of the structure, and I liked your occasional use of internal rhymes to supplement the end rhymes, eg. wheeze/breeze.

What might need work

A couple of small typos:

She touch his head with her golden horn -> touched
"This is your Easter guise until you learn practical jokes aren't t wise." -> aren't wise.

Conclusion

I hope that Peter Cottontail learned his lesson in the end! *Wink*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, 🌖 HuntersMoon!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest" Open in new Window..

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The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest Open in new Window. (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

A fantastic inspirational poem about being the best you that you can. Fantastic structure, with internal and end rhymes throughout. Wonderful flow and word choices.

What might need work

That final couplet is a bit naughty! *Laugh*

Conclusion

What a wonderfully pink and fluffy poem. *Heart*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest


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15
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Review of UNICORN HUNT  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Monty!

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#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

I'm pleased that the rabbit 'appears' to have found his unicorn by the end of the poem, even if all the other rabbits think he's cuckoo. *Laugh*

What might need work

Two uses of 'just' in the opening quatrain stood out to me. A little rewording would improve the sound of those lines, I feel.

Conclusion

A worthy entry. *Delight*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

This description of a Sylvian scene kinda reminds me of the dressing-up scene of Disney's Cinderella, where woodland animals come to help Cinders dress in a ballgown. It's very vivid and easy to picture.

What might need work

I'm a bit confused about the nature of the event within the poem. In the opening, it's described as a glorification of the Easter holiday, but in the third stanza, it's described as a memorial. As you know, Easter is a celebration of rebirth—reincarntion—not death, so why is it a memorial? Also, I wasn't sure from the wording if all the characters in the poem were supposed to be 'real' in your world or Disney creations. I was further confused by the fact that Disney doesn't own Buggs Bunny. Maybe more consistency and showing of the exact nature of the characters would make things clearer.

Conclusion


Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Coffee Breath Writer!

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#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

Your poem is very vibrant and positive. I especially liked your use of the word 'crappiness'. Crappiness should get used more often in literature. *Wink*

What might need work

Wash away and haters and crappiness. -> did you mean, Wash away all haters and crappiness? Otherwise, it doesn't really make sense as a sentence.

Conclusion

I liked this upbeat poem Yeah. Let's wash away the haters. *Heart*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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18
18
Review of Oh Joyful Day  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, A Christmas Carol St.Ann!

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#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

I love the message of this poem. Peety knew he had an important role to play, and he kept the faith. The rhyming scheme is also wonderfully complex. I'm very impressed. *Heart*

What might need work

I feel it would be great to see how the other mommy rabbits react when Peety appears with the unicorn. *Wink*

Conclusion

What a delightful poem about faith, trust, and determination.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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Review of An Easter Tale  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Ray Scrivener!

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#2113126 by Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon


What I liked

Your poem flows really well, and I love the image of a cotton candy unicorn that you create within your verses.

What might need work

Now’s not the time for wild stunts, / But joy and wondrous Easter hunts -> given that the bunny just got distracted for a while by a wild stunt, this resolution is a little strange. *Laugh*

Conclusion

This is a fabulous entry.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Marcus!

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What I liked

As a Yorkshireman, I emphathise with the sentiments of this poem. We're the people the GoT Northmen are based on, and our accent is like that of John Snow and Ned Stark.

I like the structure and ABAB rhyming scheme, though I don't get why you arrange them like couplets rather than quatrains. I love the GoT theme. The Night King is totally gonna win, though. *Pthb*

What might need work

You said, "I don't have any friends," in the newsfeed. I suggest that you join the Newbies + group and make some friends. One of the reasons for being a member of this site is the opportunity to network with other authors. Reach out and talk to some people! *Wink*

Notes

Every day is like December. -> in fantasy, authors create their own worlds and calendars. I don't think they have Roman calendar months in Westeros, my friend. *Laugh*

I ask you- look after son, alright? -> this line sounds kinda awkward, like you're ignoring grammar to suit the syllable count -> I beg thee to hold our dear son tight.... Maybe?

If I die from an enemy foe. -> enemy and foe are synonyms. Can you rephrase to add more? -> If I fall to an enemy's bow, maybe?

Remind him I fought with the embers. -> do you mean the Umbers?

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

I rather like your GOT fan fiction. *Heart*

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

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21
21
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello LauraMustetiu! !

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What I liked

You've just gotta love Evanescence! *Laugh*

Great flow of emotions and use of spatial arrangement of lines.

What might need work

A few thoughts:

Revive me dreams, -> If you're addressing your dreams, you need a comma, ie. Revive me, dreams. If you mean 'my dreams', (ie. you're asking somebody to "Revive my dreams") you have a typo here.

Wake me up inside -> you need a comma here because the other side of this enjambment is a person being addressed, your "Amazing precious friend".

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

You had me humming the song while typing this brief review, so I guess you must have put across those emotions very well! *BigSmile*

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

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22
22
Review of Christmas  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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What I liked

Strong theme with lots of Christmassy references, plus the cozy image of a domestic haven at home during a time of peace and goodwill. *Heart*

What might need work

A few minor issues within the poem, but most of them are perhaps style issues:-

Have you ever heard of a Christmas Carol Song... -> consider a question mark, either here or later, because this is a question.

With Christmas cheer as they sing Christmas Carols.... -> they? Who is singing? Previously, 'jingling bells' were ringing, so here it appears that the bells are singing carols

While your inside baking Christmas Cookies...to your favorite Christmas jam.... -> you're, and only three dots in an ellipsis. To create an ellipsis on a standard keyboard, hold down the 'Alt' button and then press '0133' in sequence on the numerical pad, then release the 'Alt' button to give …

And Your favorite Christmas movie on lifetime channel.... -> the Lifetime Channel

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

I love the theme and flow of this sweet piece.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

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23
23
Review of Snow Day  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.

Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your opening paragraphs do set the scene and introduce the main protagonist. However, there's no conflict introduced or question asked. There's nothing to really hook the reader. Yes, it's snowing, and that's great. But why should that hook your reader?

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I love everything about Ruby and Joe except for these two issues that threw me:

1) this may just be a British thing, but Ruby and Joe sound like great names for 60-70-year-olds. Maybe in the US young people have those names, but they sound more like the twins' grandparents' names to me.

2) I can't quite put my finger on why, but Ruby and Joe also acted like 60-70-year-olds to me. If they had kids young enough to take afternoon naps and make snow angels and play on swing sets only six months ago, they should be somewhere between 25 and 35 years old, so their activities and interests should make them sound like that age group, not older folks. Ruby should be posting her snow pics on Instagram and Facebook, maybe sending out a snow day tweet on Twitter, then checking out recipes for the kids on YouTube or something.

Otherwise, they were clearly sympathetic characters and very well rounded.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The main conflict became clear to me as soon as we came across the kids' stored away clothes. However, it's not really introduced in a dramatic way, or a way that implies any kind of conflict. Have you considered having Ruby not find the kids and then go into a panic thinking that they may have been kidnapped, phoning the police, going out into the woods to search, printing out flyers and sticking them onto lamp posts and tree trunks?

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Because the story starts slowly with no apparent conflict or questions raised, and the conflict comes very late, so the whole story feels a little slow to me.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Generally very clear and well written narrative.

Notes

He wanted fed. -> he wanted feeding.

Over-easy, and not too done. -> not too well done?

She grinned with a shy insouciance. -> I see you snuck in the prompt word here. *RollEyes* It stands out a mile because your writing style is Orwellian, and this word isn't. *Laugh*

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The characters sound kinda old for a couple with tiny kids. They don't use any modern slang terms or talk about anything that might concern young parents beyond basic conccern for their kids.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Settings are very clear, and there's great sensory information in the opening bedroom scene and in the kitchen during breakfast. However, there's a lack of any of the items you'd find in the typical 30-year-old's life, such as a tablet, cell phone, or laptop to connect to Facebook etc. These days, I rarely see a 30-year-old that isn't glued to a cell phone and sending out a Tweet.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

I love the overall premise of this and the link with mental health issues.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The premise of this story is great, and I can see a lot of potential in this theme. However, as it is, it's not really as exciting as one of your opening chapters I've read. It lacks a hook or any sense of drive or conflict until it's too late. If you can bring in more conflict, such as by having Ruby panic when she can't find the kids and start doing crazy things, like phoning the police and screaming at them when they refuse to come out and search for her kids. Also, look into their names and speech and behavior to see if you can't make them feel younger, like child bearing age people.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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24
24
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Rhue !

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What I liked

I like the premise of your poem, that the apple? tree is there to be plundered. Some of the imagery is great, such as the diamond dew and the ruby apples. It's simple and easy to visualise.

What might need work

I think that the fruit is apples, but the mention of spikes in the forth stanza threw me a little. I can't think of a tree that grows tall enough to reach an upstairs window that has thorns, and I'm not familiar with an apple tree that does.

In the fourth stanza, you mention your bedroom window. There's an implication that the apples are taken through the window, otherwise why mention that it's your bedroom window? It might be better to link the other elements of the poem's "story" with this. For example, rather than a stripy T-shirt in your opening stanza, use stripy pyjamas, and with the diamonds in the grass, mention that they're below, otherwise the reader imagines you're walking on that grass.

Watch your capitalisation. You begin some sentences with a lower case letter, and you begin the line "They stud the gold leaf mound" with a capital T, though it's not a new sentence. Also, reconsider your sentence breaks. Sometimes you use two sentences where one continuous sentence makes more sense.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

This poem made me think of kids stealing fruit from their neighbors' trees. It's a nice seasonal nature poem.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*

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25
25
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Awesome story!

The only suggestions I'd make are:

1) a little more negativity on the possibility that humans will rebuild, with your excellent conclusion following a "and if they ever do manage to crawl back out of the radioactive dust" clause.

2) use some shorter sentences for more impact, eg.

For me, I mean for us, time seems always still. Even the world feels static." -> For us, time stands still. The world is static." -> use narrative that is confident to better engage the reader. Yes, you need some "voice", but not at the expense of losing voice or becoming too verbose.

Do you really think you could ever be scarier than this?" -> Could you ever be scarier than this?"

3) the two characters are distinctly different in background, age, and gender. Give her a childish, carefree accent, eg. Valley talk with lots of contractions. He's an educated adult, an officer, so give him more formal speech with few if any contractions. For example, where she says "yeah" he says "yes" and similarly "nah" and "no". This will better show their differences of character. You don't want them sounding the same.

Hope this helps.

Best wishes,

Bob *Smile*

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