\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rodneygray
Review Requests: OFF
36 Public Reviews Given
37 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,
Another awesome chapter where the escape has begun. I noted very few issues at all.
This is an enjoyable read and I can't wait to continue. Thank you for writing this.

This company is slowing us down, and it’s better to have two Guards up there then down here.” - 'than'

“I got one, commander.” He drew rein and opened the lid, sliding out map that was half his height. - 'a map'

He looked over the marks and lines and notes jotted down in thin blocky lettering, finding their rode. - 'road.'

“It was given to him by King Krassos.” Sadness, as well. Tyollis frowned. - The last two, short sentences could be written better.

I had issues at the end because it sounded like someone else was being untied and tied back. It should have said 'Branston', instead of 'he'. Just a small issue. I knew what happened but it wasn't exactly the clearest.

Still worthy of five stars. The effort you've put forth is phenomenal.

Thanks
RodneyGray
2
2
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,
I've had a few busy days but I'd like to continue reviewing. It's took me three days to finish this, hoping you haven't changed it already.

The length of the chapter was the only reason I found anything to report.

“I just escaped from a wraith,” Branston replied, trying to to make his voice still. - 'to'

As they rode, the ropes bound to his belt tugged in various direction. - s? Just make it better.

and that you’re a smart person, not to be fooled.” Very difficult. - move the last sentence or elaborate.

“So, we’ll make it to that war?” - 'the war'?

Branston frowned quizzically, did he see regret in the man’s eyes? - Make two sentences?

“Tell me about the wraith,” Tyollis said. - Period at the end.

He strode passed Branston without a word, and Branston followed. - 'past Branston.'

The air was warmer, if still a cool. - 'still a bit cool.'

Another awesome chapter. No problems with the story, whatsoever.

Looking forward to continuing this great read.

Thanks
RodneyGray
3
3
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,
I looked high and low for issues, other than a few extra commas - nothing.
So far, everything is copacetic with this chapter. There's more action, which is great.

The cold burrowed deep into Branton than previous nights - 'deeper into Branston' two issues.

The river was narrower here then in most parts, and quicker - 'than'

He reached into his coat and pulled out thesmall stone fish pendant - 'the small'

I couldn't find anything else worth noting. Love where the story is going. The look of the wraith could have been a little more detailed, even though it was at night. Love the Second World. You've rid of a secondary character. That's always good, showing the dangers. At least, that's what GRRM says.

Thanks
RodneyGray
4
4
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,

I tried but found no errors whatsoever in this chapter. It was perfect. The only issue I had was imagining the cave and possibly Olivar deciding not to sleep in there because he was scared or something. And, seeing groups of wolg tracks everywhere they went was a great idea, but then the dead wolgs? The mystery deepens. I'd hate to fight an army of floating hands from another world. It would be impossible.

Your character development is awesome. I can see the characters in real life as being relatable.

The details are top notched. I see everywhere they go.

Love the story. I shall continue.
5
5
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,
I had to search high and low for issues and these were what I found. Nothing much. The story is awesome, as usual. It makes me want to keep reading, no matter what.

Faldashir stood in the hall, leaning on an arm against the doorframe. “Get ready. We’re heaving breakfast and leaving.” - 'having breakfast'

Faldashir kep eyes on his empty plate and spoke sullenly. - 'kept'

Strangely, Vigo looked out the window with out a bit of expression - 'without a bit'

suggesting your tongue is damaged, I’d say you’ve been in a scrape. Recently. - 'scrape recently.'

to a casual eye he was probably like every other citizen standing in front their doors - 'in front of their doors'

Another fine chapter in an outstanding book. Nothing wrong with the story at all.
There is no end to the talent you have. Keep it going and you'll go far.

Thanks
RodneyGray
6
6
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found very few issues here, and, I know you said you meant to add spaces between speakers and paragraphs. The story is developing nicely. You know where you're going and what needs doing.

Anger touched Faldashir's eyes, but his voice showed none of it, "Right now everybody as bigger problems." - 'everybody has bigger problems'.

Branston continued, "Better, if I were to go the Second World, I could interact with objects from here - 'were to go to' - and 'Better if I'?

The dragons would be uncontrollable. We'd have mamy more problems from the dragons alone. - 'many more'.

Omce they were seated the taller man said - 'Once'

Other than this, it's an awesome read. Keep up the good work, the feelings, the details and the plot.
Looking forward to reading the rest. It's slowing down the pace a bit but needed. The mysteries are unraveling little by little.

Thanks
RodneyGray
7
7
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
There were a couple of errors to note, nothing that completely messed up the story.
I'd rather note them than not. You may consider some of them to be wrong, even. I had to look hard to find anything worth noting.

With a growl he pulled his sword free - 'Growling, he' or 'growl, he'.

He never had learned if cold was good for a wound or bad. - Could be written better.
he had - he'd.

that had - that'd or not use 'that' at all.

wear out, than track him through the snow! - 'out, then' and get rid of the '!' for narration.

A few misplaced or extra commas, especially in front of 'and'. I suppose you may use Grammarly. It's not all that it's cracked up to be. But, I'm using it right now. LOL.

A strong wind washed over the cliff, chilling the sweat on Branston's skin and swinging the sack in Hythern's hand. - This is awesome. Keep it up. Random descriptors to steady the pace, even if it's a dog getting it on with someone's pant leg.

Tears blurred his vision of Hythern. - Feelings - something I lack. Keep it up.

"Because," determination hardened Hythern's voice. "If we brought you the supplies, you wouldn't come to the village and say goodbye to us." - Foresight into what others might do or think about a situation - keeping it real. Keep it up.

The bobbing lanterns flung their shadows across the trees, causing Branston to keep a harder eye out. - Attention to detail - Awesome.

Banston nodded his thanks and climbed atop his horse. - Branston.

village disappeared with distance. - into the distance???

Overall - This chapter really brings out character development in Branston. You've done everything right at the perfect time. You make people feel for your characters. You describe things in absolute detail. There's nothing wrong and everything right.
I'm a fan. Love the story.

Thanks
RodneyGray
8
8
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You're obviously a great writer. It was a good read but could have been a tad shorter - the first chapter had solid action from start to finish. There was only one issue.

"The second soldier stood waiting for him, and he twisted to avoid the swipe of the man's sword, and responded with a swift quick to the groin. The soldier screeched and fell to his knees, and Branston rushed past him." - kick to the groin.

The storyline is one you've worked out through its entirety. You know where it's going and how to get there. You relay all the small details, give perfect visuals and awesome action scenes.

I can't wait to read more chapters.
Dragons - Magic - Swordplay - Goals = Great read!

Thanks
RodneyGray
9
9
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

Hope you don't mind the review. There is a certain style which most writers follow. It's not something completely written in stone, but it's befitting to the reader, allowing him to better immerse himself into the read at hand. Here are a few pointers.

was his Captain, Phillip who >> was his Captain, Phillip, who -- comma.

Try to use shorter sentences to describe. They can often become something more to your liking by making a second descriptor – add a comma and briefly describe. There are good tutorials online where one can take a test, learning the best use of commas. Just Google “free grammar tests”. I used these recently to ‘touch up’.

The shortest way to say or describe something is often the best. It makes for a great read – brevity. I used to write ten pages to describe an action scene when I could have done it in a couple of sentences. I recently killed off two of my characters in one sentence, nothing afterwards. That’s all I needed to tell the story. It added a ‘shock effect’.

When a character speaks – say anything you like but, get to the point. Go back and check to see if your intent is clear and fit for your characters.

When you narrate, you are telling the story from a particular format, a tested and true regularity, from a fashion, as the reader always knows the difference from narration and character's - sounding completely different.

The men continued their march silently, and in every step they had to remove a tree branch away from their faces. >> The men marched silently, brushing the branches and leaves from their sweaty brows. When you edit, it may be a good idea to shorten sentences, maybe adding better descriptors also. Cut very long sentences in half. (25 words or more - too long.)

Lorynd’s body shivered from the coldness of the sword. >> Lorynd shivered as the cold steel touched his neck. - I added a descriptor also. It seemed lacking.

Try not using two or more ‘like’ words close to each other. If I said – His cold steel and my cold steel touched. – would sound better if I said – His raw blade and my cold steel touched. – I would wait for another paragraph or two before I used any of the words ‘cold’, ‘steel’, ‘raw’, ‘blade’ or even ‘touched’.

Lorynd dashed and swung his sword at him. >> Would sound better without ‘at him’ at the end.

Shorten your narration paragraphs. Let them reach a certain point or place quickly, then describe between dialogs.

Why are you here? I won’t repeat again. >> I won’t repeat again. – isn’t needed.

Try staying away from such words as ‘that’, ‘had’, ‘was’, ‘looked’, ‘as’, ‘like’, ‘all’, ‘seemed’, ‘kept on’, ‘almost’ and ‘than’.

I liked the story. Please continue writing. I used to write exactly how you’re writing. It doesn’t take long to learn to fix simple errors. What I do – go back later and edit. Learn and read as much as possible. Rewrite an item from the start, using only memory. If someone doesn’t read or review an item, write another. Don’t get discouraged, it happens. Most writers write for years before they sell a book. Find someone to sit down and look at each line, if necessary. I used to hate when someone critiqued line for line, but, in the long run, they were right.

I used to say things in my narratives which were completely drawn out 'bedazzling' words. I wanted to make the reader think the writer was very intellectual. What one really needs to do is simply 'tell the story'. You are the writer. The story is yours. Tell it in a simple manner and let the dialog, descriptions and actions, the events and things to overcome, how you overcame these problems be the story. I'm not saying you did everything I'm using as examples, but, just wanted you to know what might help you in the long run.

These are only my opinions. I'm not a big reader.

Please, feel free to give me a critique of my review. I'm here to help. This review took 45 minutes to complete. My four year old daughter has been sick and 'Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy' and in my lap the entire time. I did enjoy the read.

I would read another of your works anytime, if you would like, though, I don't review often

Thanks - RodneyGray
10
10
Review of Crazy Eddy  Open in new Window.
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi,

I'm not the best reviewer, but...
I noticed a few errors. You may use commas ever how you like. They can control the flow of a sentence, but are sometimes necessary.

>>>So where to begin? How about the day of the world left me to die. (the day the world)

>>>receive any offerings of human charity in sacrifice to the wretched God that was I. (charity, in sacrifice)

>>>up and up into the blue blue sky, (blue, blue sky)

>>>chest as the wind blasting up from the stands (blasted)

>>>Eventually I must have passed out from the pain. (Eventually, I)

>>>skin there hung loose off of my bones (off my bones) or (from my bones)

>>>What I can tell you is that somehow I picked myself up, (is that, somehow, I)

>>>bus station, and somehow I got (, and somehow, I) or new sentence (Somehow, I)

These are only a few. Also, words like 'that', 'like', 'was', 'got', 'had' and several others tend to be overused, making some readers slow down the pace, trying to make sense of something that is everyday speech, but shouldn't be written. I like the story overall, but wish you finished this short story, before posting.

When you posted this, the editor didn't space it appropriately. Double space your paragraphs and use two spaces between sentences. It makes for an easier read. When someone sees something all mashed together, it frightens them as a reader - easier to get lost.

I know how complicating writing can be, I'm mediocre, at best. The way I learned to improve, I looked up the absolute best writing examples, just tidbits, (I never read), and tried to gain some scope from these masters. If it feels too much like slang, it may be. I'm a Southern slang slinger, I know. There are some parts which tend to jump tenses, a little. Be careful intertwining past and present.

Ta ta ta taaa ta - the great parts...

Like the story. Love the classic wordage, though it slipped away in later parts. The descriptions are spot on. I felt like I was listening to a homeless man. I felt like the story took place. I felt like the father/son characterization was real, even the slang.

Thanks - please finish. I'll give it four stars (if it lets me), with the hopes you'll finish it and fix the spacing, and some of the errors.
11
11
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,
Before you become angry at me, I liked the story. It could use some improvements. A person speaking in a story can say whatever he/she likes, but commentary or narration is key to successful writing.


before tucking the ragged shawl into her side satchel before continuing > Too many uses of the word - before - could say - and continuing.

to have survived her banishment > to survive banishment.

The darkness which choked her country > The darkness choking her country .

attempt at an ambush > attempt of ambush.

“the next time you wish to hide > " Captial T - The next time .

The girl was only in her early twenties, if that > The girl was in her early twenties:

Calixte stared after the young girl as she hefted the light bag back onto her shoulder > - stared ?

The first one appeared then, > The first one appeared,

hungrily > I would refrain from using this word, take it out completely.

some on what remained of all fours > some on all fours > some quadripedal > some on their remaining limbs.

The young woman grasped a hold of her tightly > the young woman grasped her tightly.

The horde of specters was less than two hundred feet away and coming on fast > The horde was > The horde of specters were > fast approaching.

purplish blue lightning bolted > Find a color - ish is a funny word.

flowing into the blade of the sword and causing it to glow the same color. > (it could have charged or saturated the blade) blade, causing it to glow immensely.

as the glow wore off from its blade. > as the glow began to fade (dissipated, faded, succombed, expired)

dry dust from the ground. > dry dust. (clinching a fistful of dry dust.).

There are several others things that could be ironed out, a bit.


I did like the story. It was well thought and written with passion. I tend to look at someones bio-block to see what level they are writing (age mostly) when trying to help (although, I'm a newbie also). Keep writing, its very good. Practice makes perfect.

Thanks
12
12
Review of She said...  Open in new Window.
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
There is a button to check in section 6 - Preserve Spacing. If you had line spaces between paragraphs, this would keep them when you pasted to the storyboard.

I'm not counting the spacing issue, its a beginners mistake. There are a few examples below of helpful tips.

There are lots of missing commas, more than a dozen - this changes the tone, but helps to give the reader a break, especially when expecting them.

Grammatical examples - murmuring of Rachel and her daughter> Rachel and her daughter's murmuring > or - the constant murmuring grew louder.

Refrain from using drawl word - that - so much.

As stealthy as a cat on the prowl I tiptoed down the thankfully carpeted hallway. > Thankfully, the carpeted hallway aided my catlike approach. (It is hard to use a word like -thankfully- mid-sentence).

Just like at the beginning of the night, > As earlier, the watermelon slice smile returned to Sylvia's rosy cheeks.

Although those were the only words she spoke to me that night, they were the most important that I’ll ever hear in my life. > Those were the only words she spoke that night and were the most important words I'll ever hear.


Pros - I loved the story, very genuine and heart-felt. Its definitely one to write about and repeat. I'm glad you kept this story so short, I didn't expect the outcome and it could have gotten boring if it had been longer. You might consider shortening, just a little.

Due to the nature of the story and the touching ending, I will give it a 4.0 score, to get you started - if, you'll agree to make some changes and space the lines. Don't take my exact changes to heart, its only what I might consider. I've only spent a little time on this story. Kindness is contagious.

Thanks a lot.
13
13
Review by RodneyGray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
New member Rodney Gray here;
Great read. You're obviously a fan of GRRM (I never read though). There were a few commas lacking, but most fantasy reads well without them. There probably should have been more build-up with Kat, Sulk and Mayrah, seemed to lack much interaction there. Action toward the end needed a few more lines to draw out the suspense. Hard to believe a girl this young could do this also. Found very few mistakes, otherwise great.

Sulk’s good moods had come -the- oftener over the last few months, as his new help was a better keeper of worms than he, but he still -has- a difficult master to please when he was around ?
Kat -leaped(leapt)- into the air
potsherds (pot shards)
“You can’t do (?) keep me here!
The dragon feinted, and this time -this- the little creature

Thanks
13 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rodneygray