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9 Public Reviews Given
29 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Blushing  Open in new Window.
Review by Fluke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Ooo snap!

I get the idea this one is about fornication which sparks my interest as we all secretly wish to give give in to that one desire. The forbidden one, the one you shouldn't keep.

Ah, I think you wrote the poem rather colorful: not too many words but the few carefully chosen ones which play with your imagination. It is as if you took the right moments from a scene to create this.

I find this poem rather inspiring.

Cheers,

Fluke


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review of Let Go  Open in new Window.
Review by Fluke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Howdy Zheng,

I found your story scrolling through the shameless plug page, as I had just plugged some work of my own. Initially I wanted to read you work called 'the club' but then I saw this and decided to read this one first.

As the genre's are young adult and personal, I take it that this is a (somewhat) autobiographical piece, which is why I got interested. Although I think it is a nice take on the event I think you could have gone in more detail about the character or feelings of Joyce, about the atmosphere or the story, the sheer reason she went to talk to Shanna.

For example that dark room without windows could give a sense of confinement tot the reader, how exactly does Joyce feel about that and more importantly, how do you want the reader to feel about that?

About the writing itself:

It is an easy read but smoothing the edges would make it more pleasant to read.
For ex.


I smiled and replied, "I'm fine, thank you."


'I smiled and replied...' it's a rather straightforward way of describing the action, but it gets boring very easily. Maybe you could try something like:" I'm fine, thank you,' I smiled." or "I'm fine, thank you,' I replied, smiling politely.
I tells us more about how she feels and alternating between those could give your story just the fresh taste. As for writing out obvious actions such as replies could stall a reader, try omitting these if you can. For ex. Is it obvious who is talking? Don't mention them talking. Is it obvious one is telling a story don't mention them thinking.

As you wrote this in a first-person narrative I would recommend you to watch the use of pronouns.


"Good, excellent, follow me." She smiled widely revealing the dimples on each side of her cheek. She led me downstairs into a dark hallway. She looked left and right and finally stopped outside a room. She pulled out a bundle of keys from her back pocket and unlocked the door with a key that looked like any other. "Come on in and take a seat." She said in the same bright voice.


Since it is obvious Shanna is executing a string of actions, omitting the 'she' would make this more interesting to go through. Plus there is much more you could say, at least in my opinion, about a moment like this.

Ex.
"Good, excellent, follow me." She smiled widely revealing the dimples on each side of her cheek. She led me downstairs into a dark hallway, looked left and right and finally stopped outside a room. Pulling out a bundle of keys from her back pocket, she unlocked the door with a key that looked like any other. "Come on in and take a seat." The same bright voice invited me.

I worked a lot with examples because I feel they illustrate what I'm trying to say. Due to the story I'm giving you 2 stars, which I would gladly change to 3 or more once you've polished your piece. I hope this review was useful to you.

Cheers,

Fluke




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review by Fluke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow a deja vu.
I don't think I experienced many of them myself ( because I just can't remember such things) but it is an awful interessting subject to write a thesis about :]
So you think a deja vu is similiar to a video game checkpoint system to achieve your goals, I don't think it is because all sorts of people set goals for themselves but how many of them actually experienced deja vu's? Also I think that dreams are a mixture of (sub)conscience dreams and desires and if I hold on to that, the checkpoint system would not make any sense to me. I cannot remember living a dream in reality but I do get the feeling I did something before sometimes. There is an avarage of dreaming 7 times in a night, thus I could be experiencing one of the dreams that were not visualized, or dreams which I am not aware of dreaming them. Therefore your checkpoint system might seems plausible again.

Sight..

Interessting piece of work :]

-Fluke
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Review by Fluke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hahaha I laughed my head off

Awesome ! :]
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Review of Fear  Open in new Window.
Review by Fluke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The poem is awesome!
And respect to you for using a rhyme pattern it gives a little something extra to the whole poem

Cheers
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Review by Fluke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Personally I love poems about spirits an theirs utter most desire to flee and fly freely and this poem had a sort of comforting vibe with it. I am highly impressed by the rhyme pattern you use , it reminded me of shakespears sonnet's somehow. And being able to use a rhyme pattern makes you an outstanding poet. Just my 2 cents.
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