Good evening Ms. Tiffany,
Thank you for letting me read your story. I always enjoy stories of this type, and I like what you have done here. My name is Floyd. I am a 'newby' here as well. I have done quite a lot of writing in my younger days for various magazines and periodicals, and even a few newspapers. Now, this certainly does not make me an expert of any kind.. I'm a lousy speller.. and I have always been lucky enough to have good proof readers that worked on my behalf.
So with all of that... I would like to say a few things, but please take everything that I say very lightly, as it means nothing more than just opinion, and deal mainly with mechanics.
If it were my story.....
____________ ______________ ______________
You mention nothing about your character being startled when she hears the BANG.... or even at the second BANG. Now let me tell you.. had it been me.. it would have scared the living daylights out of me!!!! (something you want to convey to your reader)
"I immediately looked at my door. There was an eerie yellow light flooding through the seal around the edges. It banged again and the whole door fell off the hinges. A dark black figure stood in the frame and lunged at me, grabbing my throat. The figure slammed me against my window, pushing me harder and harder. It's grip was becoming tighter and tighter as I tried to escape. Then clear as day it said, "Ginger."
My name. "
~In my opinion, there needs to be more action here... for example, the BANG that knocks the hinges off of the door needs to be the biggest bang of all.. almost an explosion.. here you say "It banged again and the whole door fell off of the hinges"
Wouldn't it look better if the door 'flew' off of it's hinges? That would indicate some sort of huge force that knocked it in.
Next you say "A dark black figure stood in the frame and lunged at me, grabbing my throat."
I see what you are trying to say, but there needs to be some sort of a mini build up here.. . some sort of suspense. .. for example.. did he have eyes? what kind of eyes? was he breathing? how? did he have foul breath? how tall was he? how muscular was he? Was he demon like? How about his teeth?.. these are things that might build the story line.
When he slammed you against the window.. how did it feel? Did it stun you? Knock the wind from you? Were you frightened? Did the window break? (might be a good effect there)
It would be a little smoother, if you would have worded it .. Then, clear as day, it said my name. "Ginger!" The way you worded it... "It said "Ginger." My name. Well, we kind of know that without you needing to say that it was your name after the fact... before the fact works much better.
Ok, the last paragraph... in the middle of the paragraph, you make a sudden 90 degree turn when you say "I moved my bedroom up to the attic so I had more space, and the window's were loose, so they always opened." It doesn't really fit anything... it has no bearing to the story.
And~ it would have been a better ending if you would have just left the last sentence off.... and ended with, "What a freaky nightmare, god." I said to myself, wiping my forehead.
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So there you go, my slant on your story... now, as I mentioned before.. take little or no heed to my observations. I think that your story is a good one and when, and if, you hone it up, you can take or leave any of my suggestions. Please know that they are given in the best of spirits.
Welcome to the group and most of all.. no matter what... have fun!!
Floyd |
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