Wow, that was great. I could really... experience the things she saw and was feeling. The only thing I would change is the begining, it was a little confusing. At first I thought it was about chcocolate, candy, and temptation. Maybe you could introduce the main character a little sooner.
There were a lot of imagerey I liked. Such as, "All their souls hiss out at her, catching in her hair like fragmented dragonflies." or talking about the people and their conversations. I would say you definitley finish stroang. maybe you should start a little stronger. But, you definitley have some great stuff there.
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