This story has plenty of potential to be exciting, mysterious and magical .However, the organization of your words take away from the epicness and emotion that you're trying to create. The repitition of the word "she" or using different words with the same meaning close together also becomes overbearing and takes away from the moment. For example, only a few lines into your story I gathered
she wondered curiously at the nostalgic feelings within her (nostalgic = wistful. Same meaning used too closely is repetitive and unnecessary.)
but as she stood on a hill across from it, she marveled at its beauty. Try to avoid using she, she, she, over and over again. Sometimes it’s best to merge sentences. (she found herself marveling/marveled at its beauty)
The ground fell swiftly away from where she stood, covered in thick green grass. (The profuse grass covered ground fell from beneath her with haste)
Just try to open the vocabulary to really give the impact that you're wanting, but be sure not to repeat too often.
Ok, at first it is a bit confusing as to whose perspective this is coming from. The formatting of the writing makes it a bit difficult to follow in the meter that you want. Also, I find little use for underlining and capitalization. It's quite over used. However, the poem is obviously joyful and at the same time you incorporate the mother's yearning to keep her daughter. "Why does this trouble me so?" is a line often used in many poems simply, because it sounds nice. I suggest rewriting this poem and challenge every word to find the words that best explain the situation and reach the audience. Maybe try "Why does this matrimony distress my heart?
I know she will be radiant and exquisite in her gown" etc etc. Keep writing! You've got the right ideas.
*Roxan*
No one would ever guess until the end that this was about scool. It sounds more like the taunting of deathing awaiting soldiers. The poem flowed well until
"The line stands firm, as each awaits (this was a good line)
A distant drum roll, marching feet. (But the next three lines don't blend well with the idea that you're trying to make. It sounds a bit choppy. It knows where it wants to go, yet it's having a hard time getting there)
What lies beyond those stony gates?
Our victory, or grave defeat?
But hark, the drum roll beckons us
The rigid line begins to move
In quiet wonder, no more fuss
It's time for valor now to prove.
The gates are open, we approach
With heads held high and manner cool.
Our courage is beyond reproach.
We start the year at our new school."
So the poem has great potential to be improved. Of course all of my work that is on my page is from years ago, I can hardly stand to read my own. haha However, great effort and keep writing.
Umm...I must admit that I can see where you were going with this poem. The conundrum of the can being cool, yet a sweltering hothouse of passion battles against each other. Is it cool or is it hot? The sentence of "soaking up the- made as a raging bul..." The "-" indicates some sort of pause in which case it seems to jump from an incomplete sentence to an entirely different perspective. I'd like to see this poem revised, because it hjas potential to be better. :)
That was deep. I love how you made everything flow. It was really captive, I can feel the emotion put in this piece. Exellent work I love it. I look foward to reading more.
*Roxan*
That is really good, I love it. I could picture it with the detail given. Also, I thought you might know thow that while I was reading this poem, Ifelt like I was reading it out of a published book. You should try and get some of your wrritings published.
*Roxan*
I like this poem, but the plaes where you used "girl" kind of throws it out of whack. And the line where it says "Only the three little words to say"
I would take out the "the". That's just me though, this is your poem not mine. I like the structure, the rhymes, I can't really find any sort of rhythm, but I also like the moral of it. Good job. Keep writing Papa Lavalier.
*Roxan*
I can't believe this! I love this story and it kept me in suspense. My writing feels so 'childish' compared to yours haha. I've been writing for about . . . ten and a halfe years. I still love your writing, I'm not sure if you're author, but you should try and become one. :)
*Roxan*
OH MY GOODNESS...LOVE IT DEEPLY! I can relate to this poem better than any other I've evr read. It is without a doubt one of the best poems I've ever read by anyone on this sight or any of my friends and family. Sorry I love Dr. Suess lol. Write another poem like this one and we'll talk about you replacing Dr.Suess haha, but as far as a deep poem about life, it is far the best. DO NOT STOP WRITING T.L.
*Roxan*
Too bad happy is two syllabols huh? lol I was thinking "and a happy new year", but ...it won't fit in the 5 syllabol line :( Oh well I LOVE IITTT!!!! HAHA :)
I like this poem, but the last line I'm not exactl;y feeling. Just my opinion. It is straight to the point and I can visualize a feild of weat just by the line "Silent seas of golden grain" I love it! But the last line I believe throws off the poem itself, but its just the word "prime". Overall T.L. I like it.
*Roxan*
LOL haha. I do like it, not bad :) I love writing haikus, and this one is funny. But I can relate considering my cow insident when I was eleven years old. I know the difference between a cow and a bull haha.
Second stanza "Strolling around noon at my lunch break, I'd hide" I would imagin it would make more since if it was "during my lunch break" or "on my lunch break" instead of "at my lunch break".Other than that pretty good. I think I would freak out if I saw a UFO lol :)
*Roxan*
Purple Romance I can seriously relate to this poem.Makes a whole lot of sense to me. I personally feel that there is something missing in this poem. I love this poem do not get me wrong, but maybe if ithad something llike "For no-one else to find." As a ending line just a suggestion, or instead of "trinckles" you can use drips endlessly filling the..., or pours into". Not being a critic, just a friendly suggestion, but keep it up I love your work so far. Very nice, short sweet and to the point.
p.s. not picking or anything but purple is one of my favorite colors :) just to make you smile...but seriously purple is one of my favorites.
*Roxan*
Children driking wine? Wow haha. Good thing many thought it was just a dream huh? Also it shows that even kings and queens kick back and relax for a little fun even if it is in a different realm that seems to be only a dream. It would have been funny if some one was trying to take a few gems and gold...just saying. Nice title, it really fits the story. Keep writing, I might just pop up as a fan ; )
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