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Review of People  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I thought this was a powerful message about innocence. I actually found this by looking at the public reviews page and saw a racist "review" you received, so I just wanted to reach out and say that people who think a few interactions with another race define that race are missing a few pieces of the brain puzzle. Sorry about that.

As for a specific review of your piece - I think it would benefit from spacing/lightening up your paragraphs. I like your message about innocence and about how people hurt each other without regard to anyone but themselves. Most of the hurt/anger/pain being spewed by the oppressors and murderers that you write about are doing it out of selfishness and fear.

I would suggest a bit of repetition when doing your "reveal" at the end of each section. "Who are you? You're Anne Frank. / Who are you? You're Ruby Bridges."

Thank you for sharing this powerful story :)
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Review of BLUE BOOKCASE  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! Beautiful and so unimposing. I believe you chose the absolute perfect opening to this short essay, leading it beautifully into the conclusion. Not that it needs any change, and it deserves the 5 star rating, but you could almost live without the last paragraph.

The story is so well told that your words totally convey your lack of fear for death (by knowing from your granduncle that it is beautiful) and your lack of animosity towards religion and your growth and readiness (though not any eagerness) for what may come next.

Thank you for sharing.
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Review of About Courage  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing. I think it was courageous to write out these thoughts. Sometimes it takes seeing them written out where I can reread my conclusions to see where I can make the best adjustments in my life philosophies.

I loved to read the reason for your essay: "I want to face my own problems and difficulties with dignity; I want to see myself standing tall in front of adversities and to be the kind of man that I wanted to be." This is a great way to attack this. To lay out your beliefs and stand tall and be introspective is a great way to grown and learn!

That being said, I think that the biggest hurdle here is parsing out each of the "conclusions" you've come to and questioning whether the thought is disregarding important factors. I hesitate to say this, but perhaps the conclusions are a bit "black and white."

The first sentence that stopped me in my tracks was " If your heart is weak you will give up." I get what you are saying, and I understand the point, but I'm not sure it captures the full story. Sometimes having courage TAKES a weak heart. It takes being broken to be able to see that there is something scary to face.

The paragraph beginning: "The outcome of courage is called confidence..." seems to draw a lot of rigid conclusions by using words like "always" and "never" and "must." You conclude this paragraph by saying: "Uncertainty generates fear, the opposite of courage. Fear surfaces before you start on something, but if you persevere, things will soon get better." Again, I feel like I know what you mean and it is one interpretation of how to address situations that require courage, but is not the only way. Fear can often perk up after you've begun and perseverance can often end in failure. All of those things are part of the path we humans get to experience.

I will jump to your final paragraph (as my other comments for the middle sections would be similar to above - try looking at each of your conclusions from the opposite angle and see if you can rectify any holes in logic).


You say: "Courage cannot be learned through reading alone one must face difficulties in order to learn how to be courageous."

One of my favorite sayings that a teacher told me in high school was originally written by Benjamin Franklin as such: "Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other." I take that to mean that it is important to listen to our elders because they may have experienced a variation and can tell us something that will help. I think you CAN learn how to be courageous by witnessing courageous acts and by reading about courageous warriors. I think you CAN be courageous when you're at the bottom and you can be courageous when you're at the top. There are no hard and fast rules. Courage is an agreement with yourself. Only you know if what you're choosing to do is different than what your heart fears.

KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!

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Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tim,

Thanks for reviewing my poem, Whisker Dreams. Thought I would return the favor, and I am assuming this is the poem you'd most like reviewed.

I have to say, I did a double take after reading the poem and then looking back at how you categorized it. Self help::Sports::Spiritual. I'm not sure I get the sports reference, but I definitely get the spiritual one.

My favorite stanza would have to be the first one. After that, I personally get lost in the meaning, but the poetry of it is wonderful. I was shocked that you made 4 -azz rhymes make sense!

I'll try to make sense of it anyway and see if I'm close to your point...

Second stanza... My thought was that you are refering to someone who is overly egotistical, and apparently outspoken about it. Didn't get the prison reference, though.

Third stanza... I was really thrown off by the second line. The beginning basically chastises someone for saying "let's wait and see," but then you're saying "you can't tell the future, so let's wait and see." Sarcasm that I missed? Or some reference to something?

Fourth stanza... I liked that you were basically referring to God's plan and that we can't always thwart what He has planned for us; no matter how much we plan for something.... if He thinks that there is something we could learn from enduring a different outcome, He will do it. Yes? Am I completely offbase?

Fifth stanza... I think basically refers to my understanding of the last stanza before it. The last line though, I wasn't sure if you were saying that if you lose a fight, He will send wrath down upon you... or what??

Anyway... thanks for the great read. Don't be discouraged that my unlearned opinion didn't catch your meaning. I rather like that aspect of poetry: interpretation.
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Review of Fool's Reprisal  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was really beautiful! I have to say that I was in awe at each of your enlightened lines, as they played out. Bravo!

On specifics, I will basically take you through the stanzas with me, asking questions. Take what you will from my responses....

The beginning of the poem is in present tense, which you quickly switched to past tense. I believe either could work, though you must obviously choose just one!! (I would vote for the entire thing in present tense, though).

In this first stanza, I am picturing you in a room with the literal four doors... the "fool" I am assuming, from the rest of your poem, may actually be the mask of a wise person (the opposite), though I am not sure of the relation this person has to you. Are you at some personal fork in the road, at a judgement point, or....? That could mean this is a person within you: your conscience, your decision maker, etc. Not sure where I'm going, just my reflections.

At the same time, I felt as if the reason for a "fool" was trickery. Was this person trying to trick you into thinking you are at the worst time in your life by telling you that you are at the bottom of your rope? It's all about perception, right?

Second stanza, my own personal reaction would be for my heartbeat to rise, so I was unsure how this was a calming moment... peace that the last stage of your life is over? Just reflections...

Line 3 and 4 of the second stanza confused me a little, though: "How can I live my life knowing, / that I ever chose?" Should this become "never"? Or am I missing the point that you don't want to choose any of these doors?

All the aspects of the Hate door work well together. Just want to make a comment about the door "reading" red. I rather feel as thought the door spoke to your rather than read to you, but that is personal opinion on word choice.

As for the Love door, dove/love work well together... as they are often paired in literature, probably based on the same reason that you chose them, for their rhyming. I find two things interesting: 1. that love was warming to you after you were just in "the fire" of Hell/Hate. 2. that you were able to get yourself out of the "grasp" of the Hate door. I wanted to feel like the Hate door was really taking you away from yourself and swallowing you to the point that you had to be saved by the Love door... or maybe the fool (because he wanted to torture you some more?) Anyway... perhaps that is thinking off the course of the poem, especially because this is about incorrect perceptions in the first place.

For the Pain door, I just want you to make sure that the reason you chose the door to be "plain" is for some reason other than rhyme. IMHO, I don't think of pain matching with simplicity... but that is perhaps a problem with perception... haha.. ha. ha?

Otherwise, I really like the imagery of the word "pain" carved into the wood and that it caused you to step back.

I loved the cage for Fate... even though it is a rather commonly paired idea, I didn't expect it. That happens to be my current obsession: when a sentence is written with the hardest hitting point as the last word... like a good line of comedy. As for the actual wording, though, it felt a little bit forced. "Painted there was a locked cage / within it the word fate." Simply a problem with the syllables, I think. I was trying to think of alternatives to pose to you, but it started me thinking about how paint my not be quite permanent enough for this imagery anyway. Paint fades... and our first perception of the Fate door is supposed to be one of caged permanence... as in you are LOCKED INTO DESTINY. Perhaps it is a stone cage? Metal? Just some thoughts...

Once you opened the doors, my eyes got wide because I finally was with you on your journey to enlightenment. I love the idea of reconciled hate and pugnacious love. Perhaps you can see if there is another word for scene, though, because it is too similar for "obscene/scene" (personal opinion).

I didn't personally understand your enlightened Pain door. She WAS in pain, but it was beautiful? I'm assuming I completely missed the point. Wait... she is in the process of having the baby? Okay, that makes more sense... but still isn't a new way to look at pain? Still confused.

I also got lost in your enlightened Fate stanza. I'm with you on the idea of multiple roads rather than the assumed idea of fate pushing your through a predestined path... but I'm not sure what sharing has to do with it. Is it about the converging roads of people sharing paths by sharing lives and therefore sharing the burden of fate?? Sorry, just got lost on that one.

To me, the next stanza shows the fool's wisdom, but I'm lost again on: "to test on what couldn't know." Is this that the world would not expect you to take a path without knowing it first? If so, I would have to disagree. But that is personal philosophy. And I'm not sure I got your point, I guess.

I liked the penultimate stanza, though I didn't know who the "race" refers to? Humanity?

And the last stanza is a great wrap up on converging paths, for we all have to face hate, love, pain, and ultimately, their fates and all the twists and turns that they each hate. Not to end on confusion, though... I wasn't sure what power you/your character suddenly has to "heal the land." Is this refering to humanity (the race) that you will now enlighten about hate, love, pain, and fate? Or am I off-base?

All in all... thanks for the read. I loved the poem and I love anything that tests my perception of reality.

I would love to re-read and review your changes if you are interested.

Thanks!
Ruby
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Review of Earned  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
First of all, thanks for sharing this piece. It feels like a private poem... that either you are making a point to someone you know or you are keeping the true meaning within yourself, which I found endearing about it.

I absolutely love the opening line. Gosh, it is just such a vast, philosophical question and I was immediately curious where you, the author, would lead. But my favorite line was: "You say nothing, silent, meek." I felt that with this, more than with any other line, you were able to convey so much with these few, fainly connected words. Brilliant.

Few suggestions:
The third stanza threw me off a bit when reading, as it somehow sped up in my mind. The first two seemed more slowly paced, possibly broken into smaller portions by the closing quality of the line "You're hiding what you think and seek."

Fourth stanza, second line: "For power like mine, the weak yearned." Perhaps you could add "have." And, to avoid repetition with the following line, you could change it to "The price was conscience, as was learned..." or something similar.

Thanks again for sharing. Good luck. Let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

Ruby
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Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for sharing this poem. It is a very sweet sentiment.

My favorite lines:
-- "Don't chase my dreams away." This is a great opening and sets the mood for the rest of the poem.
-- "For I've discovered happiness, and I'm not even full grown." This is a great closing line. I like that it wraps up the poem, but leaves it open for much more to come (in life).

My suggestions:
-- "Or let them fly someday." I'm not sure I completely understand the meaning of this line. I would think you would want the dreams to fly, unless you mean "fly away." Although, I can see why you avoided using "away" again.
-- "And know that loving me is not a crime." This line might have one too many syllables. Perhaps you can try, "And know that loving me is no crime."
-- I may come across as being brave, / Hiding my insecurities under a tough façade." Both lines make complete sense and work really welll to get your meaning across, but they don't rhyme. Since every other line in your poem rhymes, this not rhyming really throws things off.
-- "I vow to greet tomorrow with a smile, not a frown." I like the message of this line, but the flow was a bit off.

All in all, I enjoyed reading your poem. Thanks for sharing! Let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review of My Planet...  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing your writing with us! You have a great gift for description.

I think this would me a great poem, rather than 'essay.'

In the first line, did you mean "my companion?" Or did you mean, that "silence" takes a back seat?

Second sentence, "Life is an island where surrounds a deep blue sea," I think you need something after "where"? Or, perhaps you could change it to: "Life is an island which is surrounded by a deep blue sea." OR "Life is an island surrounded by deep blue sea."

Third sentence, "Here is only wind sings, sea hears," I think this sentence also is missing something? Possibly you could try: "Here, only wind sings; the sea hears."

The next few sentences all have similar issues (a absolute -> an absolute, pretense , every -> pretense, every).

In the sentence, "There is nothing exist but truth," perhaps you could change this to: "Nothing exists but truth," or "There is nothing but truth."

I like the two sentences: "Wind doesn't pretend to be sea. Sea doesn't pretend to be sky." There is something very poetic about this thought. Great job!

All in all, I enjoyed reading this. I think you should take a look at the punctuation throughout the essay and see if you can tighten it up. With a few improvements, this could be something great! I appreciate that you took the time to find words for the image in your head of the perfect planet, your ideal world.

Let me know if you have any questions about my comments. Keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing this story. I particularly like your description during the opening scene.

My favorite lines:
-- "...his fury as encompassing as the wet fog around him."
-- "Deek eased up. He rose to his feet and let Ricky rub his bruised neck."

My suggestions:
-- Perhaps you can make the first three sentences into their own paragraph - since they are made up of Ricky's thoughts and tags.
-- Sentences 4, 5, & 6 all begin with a simliar structure (He, He, His). The flow might benefit from changing things up a bit.
-- In the sentence, "I know what said about my mom, jackass!” - You need a "you" between what and said.

I was intrigued by the ending of this story. The impression I got was that a message a reader may take from the story is that each person views their life/family differently and can interpret the same actions differently. I particularly liked that "he kept telling himself that," as if he was trying to convince himself as some sort of coping mechanism.

All in all, I enjoyed this story. I would be happy to re-read and review if you update this story. Let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review of Furry Philosophy  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a beautiful tribute to our furry felines! Thank you for sharing.

As I read, I felt that the poem brought a calmness to me. Each line has a deliberateness to it, which I liked.

I have three cats of my own, and I could see each cat in every line.

My favorite lines:
-- "she will melt into a soft, sleepy puddle right in the middle." I particularly liked the phrasing of "sleepy puddle."
-- "it is the kitten purring at night next to my head like a happy motorboat." I often see "motorboat" and "fan set on high" as metaphors and similes for the cat's purr. That being said, I think you used it well AND improved it with the phrasing "happy motorboat."

Suggestions/Comments:
-- First stanza, second line: "the kitten will find it and glory in it." I think the double it within this line hinders the flow.
-- First stanza, last line: "she will stare and stare until I share it with her," I think you could remove the words, "with her." Though it will then end in "it," this is perhaps far enough from the last instance of the word.
-- Second stanza, second line: "the kitten will decide it's the perfect place for a nap." I think you could change "for a" to "to." It would then read, "the kitten will decide it's the perfect place to nap."
-- Fifth stanza, second line: "the kitten will detect it and knead it over and over with her paws." Again, I feel like the double "it" might hinder the flow. Perhaps you can say, "the kitten will detect it and knead the target with her paws."
-- Sixth stanza, second line: "the kitten will turn herself inside out trying to catch it." Perhaps you can change "it" to "her prey."

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this poem. You hit it right on the mark with the naps on books, the scratching post jeans, the toilet paper decorations, and the laser pointer obsession!! And I, too, give thanks for the joy they bring to my life. Thanks for sharing your work. Let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow.

I am so utterly impressed with this poem. I tried to find a line for which I could make even the slightest suggestion...

I found nothing.

The form is amazing, the colors are beautiful, and content - you've absolutely it done justice.

As a fellow member of WDC, I am especially awed by your inclusion of a fellow member whom we lost - that makes this poem even more special for our community.

Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of work.

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review of Anniversary Poem  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very special gift for your Valerie! How nice!

As far as flow, I liked the third stanza best. If you are going for ABAB, I think this best captures it while keeping relevant content.

Favorite lines:
"Hugs, smiles, and tears mark our life's clock steady chime." - though the wording isn't perfect... I really love the meaning. Oh, how people would cherish the passage of time if it were counted with hugs and smiles!

"Years are marked by days that special meanings hold." - while the wording does feel forced (I suppose for the rhyme), it relays your message well.

I had a thought about the structure of the poem.... You have 3 stanzas of four lines each, followed by a two line closing stanza. Since this is sort of addressed to Valerie, it might be interesting to begin the poem with a two line opening stanza. You could use those two lines to introduce why you are marking the passage of time (to celebrate your years together).

All in all, I reading this glimpse into your relationship. As a reader (and writer), it is always interesting when given the opportunity to see inside "someone else's home."

As always, let me know if you have any questions about my comments. Keep up the great writing.

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing your work! I really enjoyed reading this poem - I love the way you weave both Today and Tomorrow throughout.

I loved the last two lines. Such a beautiful sentiment. I could see it also saying, "Not Today, not even Tomorrow, / But Always.

I wasn't sure I understood why certain words were capitalized. I think the poem would benefit from keeping only Today and Tomorrow as capitals.

In the first stanza... I loved the way you began the poem. I think you could tighten up the wording a bit. Some suggestions might be: "We are strangers Today, perhaps friends Tomorrow. / There is distance Today, maybe closer Tomorrow."

In the third stanza, you write, "And if you need to question, try to stop Yourself from saying it aloud." I think that you can safely separate this into two different lines.

Following that line... I loved, "There is no need. / I heard your questions loud and clear, just as frantic as mine." You could also put "just as frantic as mine," on its own line.

All in all, I really enjoyed the content of this poem. I would love to re-read and review if you update it! Let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review of Guitar Zero  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
When I saw the title and description, I laughed out loud. My boyfriend is sitting in front of me, playing a video game, so when I laughed, he naturally turned around to ask me what had happened.

I then proceeded to read him the poem. He's a devoted player of the game, so he just laughed and rolled his eyes. I hate the game (mostly because I suck at it), so I snickered at his expense.

You might try removing the periods that you have at the end of some of the sentences, as I think they are connected phrases.

Third stanza, second line, you could shorten it to either, "My memories you're smashing!" or "My memories are smashing!" The "It's" just seems to hamper the flow.

Fourth stanza, "the false homages never cease," I'm not sure that they're false homages so much as poor attempts. Maybe you could update to: "horrid homages never cease," or "sad stabbed homages never cease." I dont know... something like that.

My boyfriend appreciated that you added in that a veteran player (which he classifies himself) can make a song sound half-decent.

Last stanza, love the first line, but the second line feels stretched a tad. Maybe you could try, "And more melodies will burn."

All in all, I DID enjoy reading - just as you'd promised. Let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review of "Alcohol"  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this poem.

This is such a deeply powerful subject - and I honestly believe you did it justice. I could feel the love affair turn so quickly sour. And it truly is amazing how many "lovers' alcohol has spurned and devastated.

I respect you so much for your bravery - both in overcoming and in writing.

Favorite lines:

"Swallow down, my lonesome desire," - double-edged. Felt like you were saying that you were swallowing the desire for loneliness and/or swalling alcohol (masquerading as your only (lonesome) desire.

"Caress your body with my hands." - great imagery. Felt truly like you were imagining the alcohol as your lover.

Some specifics I noticed:

First stanza, last line: "your there to make it right." Your -> you're.

Second stanza, first line: I'm not sure how attached you are to the, "dreaming of you," phrase. I was thinking the line could benefit from a slight change. It might read a bit better as, "I dance and sing, dream of you." It changes the meaning somewhat though.

Fourth stanza, first line: I think you could consolidate this line a bit, easing up the flow. "But where did you go, when my friends left," hold both important points - the alcohol wasn't really a friend because it took away real friendship and that it left you in your time of need. Still, though, the flow seems a tad forced.

I kind of see you pitting alcohol against God. I don't mean to step on any faith toes when I say this, but I wanted to share my thought.... It reminded me of the idea of alcohol as the 'temptation of the devil." I'm not a really religious person, so I don't know much about the subject. But, it seems a common theme that the devil will use things to tempt people away from their faith in God. I just thought I'd share that I got his feeling when (I assume) God spoke to you in the penultimate stanza.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Alcohol/alcoholism has been a constant force in my own life, though I've been a victim from the opposite side. Thanks for sharing!!!! Let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review of The Final Verse  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Umm... is it legal to have a review that is longer than the poem itself?

Oh well...

I really loved this poem. It's such a true sentiment and is beautifully expressed.

The flow is perfect and you couldn't get much better rhymes. Brilliant!

The voice = ?? Is the voice writing? And is the word the voice? Or is the word meant to say your statement will always ring true as long as poets defend?

Again, beautiful poem.

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review of Broken  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for the opportunity to read your work!

I thought this was a well-written and well-thought-out poem.

I really liked most of each individual stanza. I would like to see a little more continuation between each one. This is something I also struggle with - a lot.

The repetition of the word, "once," was actually pretty powerful. The opening stanza has wonderful word choice. Since the first line seems to have a few more beats than the middle two, I think you could add a bit to them. For instance, you could try, "Purity once had a name, / Beauty had its own face, / Life once had true meaning, / And felt ___ safe." I don't know what to add at the end - especialy since it's your brain child, so I don't want to tamper too much. Just suggestions!

2nd stanza, last line... I love the meaning. There might be an extra syllable, though. Maybe you can find a different word for "another." I think you could find something stronger, anyway. It's such a powerful subject.

I felt like the same thing happened in the next stanza on the last line. I might be reading the flow a bit differently than you, though.

All in all, I really am glad to have read this piece. Please let me know if you have any questions about my comments and keep me updated!!

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review of The Visit  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful poem! I really enjoyed the flow.

I loved the line, "you have to live to die." You know it's the sign of great poetry when you can feel the way the words resonate in your head after reading them.

In the second stanza, lines 3 and 4, I was a little thrown off by the wording. I'm not sure if I'm just missing something - please fill me in if I did. You wrote, "it seems like it was yesterday, / I'm difficult to hold" I was thinking you might have meant to say, "I was difficult to hold," but then I didn't think the meaning of that would make sense in the context. But then I thought that you might have meant it: seems like yesterday that time caught up with your parents? Oh, I don't know... I lost myself!!

In the last stanza, third line, "morality is in it's throes," I think "it's" should be changed to "its," since I think you were going for the possessive and not "morality is in it is throes."

All in all, I really loved the poem. You have a beautiful gift for word choice. Let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This definitely has potential. I can see this going a bunch of great directions!

While reading the first paragraph, I was a little unsure of the path you were going to take.

I found it interesting that you made your point with such a huge disaster such as the atomic bomb. That definitely made a good PUNCH. I don't know anything about Ernest Rutherford, so I can't make any connection with myself on your more basic point - that humans will disregard ethical concerns if they think they will find fame.

Do you have some information that makes you believe you know Mr. Rutherford's reasons? If so, that would be GREAT to add to the story. If not - do you know of any other popular figure who committed a horrible act in order to be noticed? I would suggest a serial killer, BUT.... I think your point was that Mr. Rutherford wasn't intending to create evil. Right?

To address the direction I think you were planning to take this - giving a character the opportunity for greatness at a huge cost. Like I said, *something* in your writing gives me the feeling that you would be good at avoiding the predictable with this premise, but I just wanted to mention it. My first thought was of the Bionic Woman. Slightly different in that she didn't have a choice... but gave the same vibe.

Then, with the choice introduced, it reminded me of the new teen vampire saga (Twilight, etc.), which gives a teen girl the opportunity to ask herself if she's willing to give up her life in order to possess powers and gain immortality.

SO... definitely, surely go for this! I want to read more as you add to it. Your last two lines were very intriguing!

Let me know if you have any questions about my comments. Keep writing!!

Best wishes,
Ruby
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Review of Beginning  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I always love reading a piece that leaves me smiling at the end. Thank you.

It takes a lot of talent to write about something without time or something no "person" has ever experienced. Especially to do it without finding yourself caught in a bunch of twisted truths or not-quite-connected thoughts. So, bravo.

I especially enjoyed the first paragraph. It gave off a flowy/floaty feeling. I wasn't sure where the story was headed at that point. I only knew that time did not exist for her. Which is great... because that's all she knew as well. It immediately made me think of something I had read before - have you ever read The Witching Hour by Anne Rice? If so, it reminded me of the character, Lasher.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be the beginning of a much larger piece of work. It will be interesting to read.

The paragraph that begins, "Encountering an obstacle confounded her," was well written, but it left me wondering about a few things. If this is a narration of her thoughts, how does she know of flotsam in the ocean? And then, I kind of like the juxtaposition of "limitless universe" and "shell," but I wasn't completely sure how to feel about it. Maybe you could add something about it having once SEEMED limitless to her - the change.

As to deal with the knowledge without prior knowledge question... my best suggestion would be to add a few extra lines in the beginning to address it. You could mention that she was intrigued at the things she felt she knew without knowing how she learned them - instincts? Did she feel any new desires at this point?

The sentence that starts, "Battered by the fall," I'm not suer if you meant "fetal ball." And an added comma after fall might also work.

I really enjoyed the sentence, "Fresh air bathed her face; helping to clear her mind and dispel the panic." You could do without the colon, though.

I like the little snippets she says. Both show that she has tenacity! First she is fighting to be let go and the next says that she is determined.

Again, thanks! Let me know if you have any questions about my comments and I hope they have been helpful. Keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
Ruby
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21
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing this poem.

It is a very nice reflection on the ideas about the way love has been construed to mean something other than its true purpose. It is truly something that we cannot ever fully grasp, mankind as physical beings...

One suggestion, for dramatic effect. You could change the line to say something like, "Lust, lust is all they understand." (Rather than, "...what they understand." This could help emphasize the idea that either it is so out of grasp that it is misunderstood, or that everyone in so wrapped up in the passion of lust that they don't even try to see. Just a suggestion, :).

Follow your inspiration,
Christina
22
22
Review of Sarah  Open in new Window.
Review by {relentles... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Beautiful story!

I love the way you incorporated the different things in the piece. Starting the story, the reader doesn't think much of a depressed man closing all his blinds, but when kitten Sarah begins to teach him to embrace the sunlight, it becomes an amazing part of the story.

The sentence, "Sunlight touching me was like a torch on my skin," was the sentence that led me to keep reading.

I thought this passage to be very telling: "I found my spirit brother then. He came to me in the form of wine, gin, scotch, and later, drugs. He was my best friend, always there with the cure for my heartache. 'Come with me,' he would say. 'I will help you forget all the things that make you sad. I will brighten the world for you. I will bring you dreams,'"
I have two alcoholic parents myself, and never really thought or heard about it as a "spirit brother." I love how you personified the drink, showing the demons of it through its lies. Well done!

Also, I would have to say that I am so glad you chose a kitten as the responder to his smile, rather than a puppy. Kittens, while they can be loving, still tend to be more independent. So for this kitten to take an interest in his emotions is beautiful.

As far as editing, I found few mistakes. Writing 1st person, you are not subject to need for floral language and such...

Thanks for sharing this story! Keep writing!

Christina
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