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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ruhisonal
Review Requests: OFF
19 Public Reviews Given
43 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My reviews are honest. I provide suggestions with every point of criticism that I offer. I do not criticise thematic and stylistic elements, but focus on the flow, readability, plot and expression. The reviews that I provide on request are long and detailed, stretching to over 500 words in most cases, and up to 2000 words if the piece can use major improvements(in my opinion).
I'm good at...
Providing pointed suggestions for every line/word which in my view could be improved upon, and providing an insight into the overall feel that the piece generates while being read.
Least Favorite Genres
Historical fiction, non fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short fiction
I will not review...
Poetry: I love poetry and I do offer comments and suggestions while reading poems here, but as am an amateur with limited knowledge of poetry, it would be inappropriate to entertain requests. Novels: as I do not have the time.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Ruhi Sonal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,
This review is strictly an opinion. I have tried to offer constructive criticism, but please remember that your writing is yours alone.

First impression:
The title of the piece did not really convey what to expect. But, it did make sense after reading the post. I suggest sticking to one metaphor. Two metaphors in the title are unnecessary, and make it less precise. You can perhaps save one for use in a future blog post?

Content:
A good blog post is usually one that manages to engage the reader. You accomplish this successfully, and am sure you will get many responses to your situation from readers. Good job there!

A few things puzzled me: why would a grown woman respond in such a way to an expression as simple as "I like you". Also, the narrator appears to take a minor rejection a bit too much to heart. Why is this tiny event so important, apart from inspiring the twin metaphors? Is it the first encounter with dating for the two? It would help if you provide a bit more background about the narrator and the girl, explaining what makes them behave so. You say that she is your Precious, but the reader could use a bit more emphasis through descriptions to believe that. If the only reason is the rather awkward Indian cultural context which overloads such basic interactions with discomfort, then include a few lines about it in the post. It would give it a sense of completion. This may however, be unnecessary if you have a detailed "about me" section in your blog.

Structure, narration and language:
The piece is well structured with appropriate use of paragraph breaks.

The narration flows well, but I found the beginning paragraphs problematic. There are too many lines explaining the meaning of the metaphors, when it could have been accomplished within a couple of sentences. I suggest shortening the initial part and getting to the point quicker. Somewhere I also am curious if the focus is on the story or on the metaphor. If its the former, make the story richer by including some more descriptions of emotions. The narrative when you describe your interaction with the girl appear quite casual, not something that leads to a dilemma big enough to ask your readers for suggestions. If you are focusing on the metaphor, then the stress on what you need to do in the end doesn't seem to fit. What can toilet paper do? Except just hang where it's stacked. By comparing yourself with toilet paper or a splinter in a tooth makes you passive, rather than an active figure in a dilemma. The only logical response would be stop being passive, which then would contradict the metaphor. I suggest removing the question and adopting a reflective tone if you want to focus on the metaphor, and ask instead if readers have faced a similar situation.

Language needs to be worked upon. I spotted quite a few grammatical errors, and I suggest a thorough session of proofreading. What is mouth-to-mouth? Do you mean word of mouth?

What I loved:
The fresh, casual approach hits the exact note required for a good entertaining blog.

Final comments:
With a little bit of work, you can really shine. The content is very much in place, you have all the ingredients- a story, scope for reflection that goes beyond the mere events, and an ability to engage the reader. You just have to put them all together in a slightly more effective way.

Keep writing!
Ruhi


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2
2
Review by Ruhi Sonal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

It was a pleasure to read this part of your story. Please remember that this review offers just an opinion.

First impression:
The action and adventure is adequate, and the narration succeeded in holding my attention. In fact, it got better as the story proceeded and I found myself wanting to read what happens next. You've succeeded in generating and maintaining the reader's interest.

Plot:
As this is an excerpt, I cannot comment on the plot as a whole, but I can surely say that this chapter/excerpt seems to take the story forward in a convincing way.

Structure and narration:
The chapter is well structured, and I do not have any suggestions regarding it. The narration appears impersonal, with a conscious distance being maintained between the characters and their actions. As long as this is a result of your conscious effort, i.e. it is your chosen style for narrating the story, it is ok. But, if you haven't done so deliberately, take a look at these sentences:

"Ellie, who stood by the tree next to the chain, scraped as much mud as possible from her body."

Notice that the first two words "Ellie, who..." generate a certain sense of dissociation. Compare this with "Standing by the tree next to the chain, Ellie scraped off most of the mud from her body."

Another example: "She felt like a rag doll. "H-h-how d-do you st-stand this-is?"

Consider something on the lines of "Feeling like a rag doll, she stammered...." or you could end the previous sentence with "flung from side to side............like a rag doll"

Grammar/Language:
The passages could use some editing:
"Couple OF strategically placed floodlights"
"Parked IN the field" insteaf of "parked up..."
There are a few more of similar minor errors, just run a thorough edit and it will be fine.

"The light from the floodlights was soon long gone and nightfall meant they couldn't see past the headlights, except the telltale signs of other life as streams of light from other vehicles beamed through the sparse trees."

This paragraph is beautiful. Your imagination is rich in detail, and you've done a fine job expressing it. Some restructuring however, could make it even better. Notice that the word "light" appears four times in a single sentence (counting headlights, floodlights). While this is definitely not "wrong", it would read better if written a bit differently. Perhaps you could do away with the first "light" by simply saying "The floodlights were soon long gone..."

"The mud immediately melted from her skin as it washed off, swirling around her like a storm cloud in the chilled water"
I am really impressed by the vivid manner in which you've pictutised the situation. However, a crisper way to express the same would be to do away with the phrase "as it washed off" and simply say "the mud immediately melted from her skin and switled around her like a storm cloud in the chilled water." The extra phrase doesn't add much, except for length.

And here's the last suggestion: "tempted as he seemed to her to lock her in the jeep" Could it be better to say "although tempted to lock her in the jeep..."?

The most enjoyable bits of the chapter are contained mid way upto the end. The scene at the waterfall is very well written, and I loved the minute descriptions. The flow is adequate, with the sense of adventure surprisingly building up well even off the road!

There isn't much that I did not find appealing on the whole, except for the distant nature of the narrative at times, which is essentially your choice of style, so can't criticise it. I must congratulate you for having written a good piece. Take the story forward, it seems to have good potential.

Write on!


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3
3
Review by Ruhi Sonal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi,
I read this chapter because I had read the prologue you posted earlier.
A few observations: people don't "do sex", they "have sex"
Also, you seem to be treating sexual intercurrent as a "sin" or something "dirty"... While I understand the regional and cultural context that may be behind this perspective, this is essentially a layman's perspective, not a literary one. While it is perfectly alright to have a layman, somewhat sexist protagonist who views himself as "spoiling a good/innocent girl", the author must distinguish himself from the protagonist.

The form you've chosen has the potential to work, say, perhaps in the way a book like Catcher in the Rye worked, with a flawed, messed up protagonist, but it is the tougher path to choose, as one may tend to fall into the trap of not separating the author from his characters, which will then lead to a loss of an overarching perspective.

Keep writing!


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4
4
Review by Ruhi Sonal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting. There is a movie by the name 'The Butterfly Effect'... A freakish tale, but makes a solid point.

Your prologue makes for an easy read, introduces the work and generates the required interest. Suggestions: would it be "aspect" instead of "respect"? It would be nice if you specified exactly which aspect you will be talking about. The latter sentences point towards love. If you can state that directly, the impact would be better.

Keep writing,
Ruhi.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Making the Ending  Open in new Window.
Review by Ruhi Sonal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi,
This short piece is extremely interesting. Your style is quite distinct, and you've managed to put across an effective story in very few words. I enjoy stories with a conversation-style narrative. The only suggestion that I have is that I noticed a certain inconsistency in the grammar. There is some mixing up of the tenses, such as "Jim wraps his arms around her and told her"- technically, either it should be "wrapped" instead of "wraps" or "tells" instead of "told." There are a few more such instances. This however, is a minor flaw in an otherwise well written piece.

Overall, I enjoyed it!

Keep Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Home to Some  Open in new Window.
Review by Ruhi Sonal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,
At the very outset, your story is engaging. The description of the beggar is detailed. Even though there isn't much of a plot, the central idea of the need for change and the general despondency of life for someone who is poor is expressed very well.

A few suggestions: the story could use some minor edits...
1. "His toes practically protrude through the shoes" - the word "practically" doesn't add anything. It makes for good conversation, but impedes the flow and can be done away with without any loss to the story.
2. "The sun welcomes him with covered rays from behind one of the towering skyscrapers." - This sentence is confusing. Does it mean "the sun welcomed him, with rays that were covered by towering skyscrapers"? You may consider re framing it for ease of reading.

I enjoyed the depiction of the city as almost a living organism, and the relation of Bert with various elements of it... The train, the dorm, the charities, those who toss coins into his hats and those who judge his appearance. The positivity suggested in the end is beautiful.

Keep writing!
7
7
Review of Green & Blue  Open in new Window.
Review by Ruhi Sonal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,
Your writing style is fresh and effective.

There are a few things that I'd like to point out:

I was completely taken in by the first stanza, which has been marvelously constructed. The description of the scene of accident is vivid. This stanza is almost perfect. Almost, because the last line could have been done better. I loved the descriptive "morbid fascination" but the latter half "takes hold" is doesn't go very well with the rest of the stanza. Will "morbid fascination takes over" sound better? Just an opinion...

The second stanza is brief and moves in a tender direction. The realisation of the inevitable, of the transient nature of life is expressed very well. The move from morbid fascination, to the value of life and importance of love in the second stanza is a huge jump. While, this may be criticised for discontinuity, I view it as a stylistic feature of your writing.

Overall, your style is distinct. The two stanzas are contrasts that compliment each other at the same time.

Keep writing!
8
8
Review of An Inhuman Place  Open in new Window.
Review by Ruhi Sonal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi,
Your story makes for an enchanting read. A well thought out plot, with an appropriate dose of suspense and horror. I liked the story overall, but there are a few aspects which could be improved upon, in my opinion:
1. Some of the sentences are confusing:

"When I opened my eyes I stood out front of the house, except it wasn't the same. " Am guessing that you mean that you stood outside the house, but it isn't clear... "out front of the house" is grammatically problematic.

"Her pale hands were dangling at her side carelessly and the dress she wore was nearly falling off. She looked angelic in a way, hovering a few feet off the ground, but this was only because of the noose wrapped around her neck."
This paragraph is well written, but the reader feels confused because of the starting line referring to "her hands" before the dead/ghostly body is introduced. It would make a better read if you began with the description of the body hovering from the fan before describing the hands.

2. The story is written in a sceptical manner: This is not always a bad thing.

But look at this line: "Maybe somehow I was going insane." The "somehow" only distracts the reader without adding anything to the line. The usage of "maybe" multiple times effectively establishes the doubt and uncertainty in the mind of the protagonist. "Somehow" is in my opinion, redundant in this line.

"Somewhere in the middle of my unconsciousness I began to dream." Here also, you needn't use "somewhere". Try "In the middle of unconsciousness, I began to dream." Or, "I began to dream while I was still unconscious." The reader will not ask "where" in the protagonist's unconscious mind does the dream take place, as it isn't relevant.

"Then I felt liquid being poured all over me. More specifically gasoline. If you are specifying, do it directly without telling the reader that now you will specify. Try "Then I felt A liquid being poured all over me. It was gasoline."

"The living room was as empty as the rest of the house, but somehow, at the same time it wasn't." How about "The living room seemed empty, yet it wasn't.

These are just suggestions from the perspective of a reader.

Since I've been criticising the sceptic tone, I must also say that there are places where you have used it marvelously: "Miraculously, or perhaps not so miraculously" This usage is sheer brilliance.

Further, the thematic elements in your story are impressive. The introduction of the father and brother adds a wonderful tone of seriousness, that beautifully contrasts yet compliments the light hearted beginning (the dare). The recurring line about human monsters is breathtaking.

I hope this review has been helpful. Take the criticism with a pinch of salt, as you've done a real good job. :)
9
9
Review of Feeling in poetry  Open in new Window.
Review by Ruhi Sonal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful!
One word can sum up the beauty of your work: ORIGINALITY. Your style is fresh, and an absolute joy to read. You have expressed such deep feelings in a simple yet refined manner. In the course of the poem, you move from dark and mysterious, to the divine. The only suggestion I have for you is try keeping the sentences short (in the part where you shift to paragraphs from prose). But do it in a manner that preserves the poetic nature of your lines.

Write On!
Ruhi
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