Well, that was... heartbreaking.
Thank you for your review request and a great read. You have written a very tense, claustrophobic and yet almost nostalgic story. And while it started on a rather slow note, the ending had such a strong punch, my mind is still rerunning everything I've read. I honestly didn't quite see the twist that came in the end. spoiler ▼In fact, I was expecting one more character to be introduced, perhaps in the hinted backstory... but that would make it an entirely different tale.
Though after it all was revealed and before the last line, I almost hoped to hear some comment from Dmitri. A flash of lucidity probably wouldn't make the illusion disappear completely, right? Or maybe Vladimir hurried to end it all before the line between reality and what he saw became blurry once more?
Nevertheless, isolation, struggle to survive by scavaging and hunting, memories of what used to be, coping through bad habits, and all that in addition to Vladimir's health – it was masterfully revealed through tidbits and hints and background details. You have great world-building skills!
Alas. When working on articles and stories myself, I have been given a few tips that did help me a lot (though I'm not always successful in following them). At first glance, they're rather obvious, but having them right in front of you somehow makes things clearer. And hopefully, they will be of use to you, too.
First of all, good writing comes on the rewrite. Thus the first – sometimes second or third – draft will have a lot of things you could and should polish. That's universal. Never let that discourage you.
Secondly, good writing is simple, but not simplistic. You don't have to dumb things down for anyone, but overcomplicated lines can obscure their intended meaning.
When it came to the current draft of your story, my experience was a little mixed because of this very reason. You have great visuals ready in your mind, but what went down on the paper was a little congested, for the lack of a better word. What would help you a lot is relying more on the context clues rather than trying to elaborate everything. Directions, precise locations – that isn't always needed as some things are intuited. Here are some (not all) examples to illustrate my point:
• “He then turned his attention to the center of the room he was standing in, and to the ceiling. The dim blue tube light shone down from the ceiling, flickering occasionally, illuminating below a relatively empty and clean space...” ─ From your previous lines, we already know which room is observed. Mentioning that it's the room that Vladimir is standing in is unnecessary. Similarly, since Vladimir looks at the ceiling, the reader deduces that the light is a ceiling light, and, naturally, it illuminates the space below it. So the underlined details become excessive information. As you trim it down, your sentences still communicate the same image but have far fewer conjunctions, prepositions and synonymous verbs for your reader to go through: He turned his attention to the ceiling. Flickering occasionally, the dim blue tube light illuminated a relatively empty and clean space...
Of course, we can also wonder whether Vladimir's attention was on the room or the ceiling – whether he focussed on the light or on the space that the light illuminated. So you can play with the lines even more.
A flicker drew his attention to the ceiling. The dim blue light illuminating a relatively empty and clean space was close to going out...
It's always good to think (even if you don't mention it in the end) why something draws the character's focus or what these things make the character feel/think. This gives the description of surroundings more meaning and shows how the character perceives it. After all, some might find the presence of electricity soothing, for some the flickering could be something incredibly irksome, etc. Defining your character through their perception is a great tool to use!
(On the side note, is it really a rather empty and clean space, if we have a kitchen corner, shelves, two tables, a sofa, a recliner, a chair and a lot of trash thrown around? Unless it's a huge storage-like area, the room as a whole feels quite the opposite. I assume you meant that the only relatively clean spot was the lounge area, but that might require a different phrasing. The detail gets lost between a few lists of furnishings. Remember that you don't have to introduce the space all at once and that some details can be mentioned through interactions as well. I'll talk about this a bit later.)
• “The man opened the heavy iron door with a grunt and a loud creak into the cold, closed-in room, with an even colder gust of wind chasing him as he walked in.” ─ is a similar case of excessive information. You can break down the sentence to lower the number of conjunctions. You can delete the phrase or use following him inside, or... Full stops make the reader pause for fraction of a second and 'digest' the information. So while long sentences can be super useful, vary. Mix compound sentences with simple ones. Trim excessive information. See what length reflects the emotion best – short, curt lines give a sense of urgency, long ones are often more relaxed.
• “Behind him, he shut the door, and with a quick push of his shoulder and another muffled grunt through his teeth, the door was sealed. He turned the vault-style door handle clockwise, locking the thick metal door pins in place with a final groan from the door.” ─ Here, we end up with three ways of saying that the door was closed (and five mentions of the word door itself). Once again, you can trim down redundant information since explaining that the door was shut then sealed then locked isn't an important sequence.
Getting back to the descriptions, quite a few in this story are rather static. There are some great bits like the clean sheets on two beds, the bottles Vladimir took out from under the dirty blanket or my favourite “While waiting for the skeleton, who usually took a good bit of time to play, Vladimir walked to the kitchen. [...] There was a small half leg of deer there, reaching near its spoiling point. It had been there for what seemed like weeks now, with no food harvested since.”. Yet, oftentimes, you approach the space or a character and provide a description that isn't necessarily related to the situation itself.
Would Vladimir focus on Dmitri's attire at the time he entered the shelter? As I've mentioned before, perception and reaction are often dependent on each other. And so is interaction. So Instead of saying that the man had/wore something or that there was something, you can implement those details as the characters move through the space. For instance:
• “On the couch sat a man in a long sleeve sweater covered by a windbreaker sweater vest, and atop his head was a dark blue beanie; beneath, on his legs, blue jeans and worn boots. […] His hands rested, fingers interwoven, in his lap as he sat, and as the newcomer looked down at him, he shifted his eyes to him.” ─ A man was sitting on the couch. His heavy-booted leg tapped in impatience – a thud-thud-thud like a dying heartbeat. The long sleeves of his two sizes too large sweater couldn't hide the pale interwoven fingers... or something similar could still mention the clothes but add a bit more about what Vladimir feels or focuses on when seeing Dmitri.
It's always good to focus more on the personal characteristics over the clothes unless the attire is meant to illustrate something (social status, emotional state – much like when Vladimir inspects his own face. That one was great! – standing out from the crowd because the specific look is out of place, etc.). Always ask yourself what specific details reveal to the reader. What is it about the jeans or the beanie that makes the picture of the man more memorable to the reader? Does it reveal his personality or the way Vladimir sees him/the situation he's in?
Similarly, when expressing someone's emotions, rather than 'he was angry/mad', expressions such as "Suddenly, what felt like a bolt of lightning flashed through Vladimir’s head" create a far stronger impact. You don't necessarily need to use figurative speech each time, but avoiding outright stating an emotion is a great approach and also reveals a lot about an individual. Some people get silent and stoic when angry, some grow red and start shouting. Those approaches are important too!
Some minor nitpicks:
• “He was short, stocky, and had an unemotional and non expressive face. He had rough stubble across the span of his jawline and his upper lip, and he appeared very stern.” ─ has a possible contradiction.
• “His hands rested, fingers interwoven, in his lap as he sat, and as the newcomer looked down at him, he shifted his eyes to him.” ─ Too many pronouns that indicate different characters make the reader question who 'he' is.
• You tend to use he noticed/focused on, his attention drew to or he could see, however, it's a good idea to make the surroundings exist without reminding the reader that they are seen through the character's eyes. If the character doesn't notice something, they won't focus on it. So instead of "he could very easily see many scratches and splotches", you could say "the color of the material was no longer recognisable over the layers of splotches.” and it would still indicate that it's Vladimir's observation.
• Try avoiding as since it is one of your "weasel" words that give excessive information as he walked/ as he sat/ as he turned tend to be already implied.
• When formatting, it might be a good idea to start conversation lines as new paragraphs. That way, dialogue won't be lost among descriptions.
Overall, that was a great story to read. The plot and the setting were the strongest aspects of it. Yet, it would be great to see more dynamic/interactive descriptions that would reveal more about Vladimir's perception of his situation and surroundings. While the worldbuilding through background elements was a good one, there were quite a few excessive or redundant lines that slowed the pace down (especially in the beginning) or made the sentences more difficult to follow than it was necessary. All in all, it's a promising tale about loneliness, hopelessness and limits, just needs some polishing.
Best of luck!
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