An intriguing poem. I like the concept of dancing in the rain and the moonlight.
What I liked about the piece:
I like the details of the full moon and the light reflecting in each raindrop. I had a picture in my mind of thousands of small crystals reflecting light as the dance in the sky.
Structural issues:
The soft blue light from stanza one sounded odd to me--like there was some extraterrestrial light.
Final thoughts:
Thanks for sharing--I enjoyed the poem. The structure was effective, and the word pictures enabled me to "see" what you were writing. Write on!
A cute story, albeit a story line that is common and overused
What I liked about the piece:
I like the bantering back and forth between Oliver and Kelly. I also like the details from the science lab.
Structural issues:
The changes in font when Kelly is thinking to herself is unnecessary. The common custom is to italicize the inner thoughts, although mainstream editors are now even getting away from that in favor of regular text.
Final thoughts:
Overall, it was a fun read. Thanks for sharing, and write on!
A great start. The poem is overflowing with emotion that must be generated by the reader. This allows your point to me made only to people who can empathize and it avoids becoming preachy or overly sentimental.
I feel like it's not complete. I like ending with being bound by words on the page, but the setting of the final stanza seems to suggest that there is more coming.
I like the initial stanzas--the way they move from one side of the pendulum to the other, but show how both sides can feel hollow and empty.
Creative and original. I enjoyed the twist at the end with the Martians viewing the UFO.
Loved the description of the craft--the flag on the side (which they didn't know was a flag) and the letters NASA. My only thought here would be whether they know our English alphabet? Perhaps some pointy and curvy lines that seemed to indicate some sort of message?
A fun, lighthearted piece. Thanks for sharing, and write on!
A sweet story of the good things in life and the kindness of strangers.
What I liked about the piece:
I like the unexpectedness of the story. Your details are good--the Pall Malls, the air conditioning. You also set up the story well--the frustrations of home life and the sanctuary of the skating arena.
Structural issues:
No major issues. The spacing is a bit off, but that could just be the transition to WDC.
The line, " grey area in that era" sounds a little awkward (area and era).
Raw and filled with emotion. The reader is able to enter into the emotional world of the writer.
What I liked about the piece:
I like the realism of the piece--I can identify with much of it. The details are good, especially of the doll.
Structural issues:
I found it curious that the orphanage was described as quiet--it doesn't seem quiet to me with the other taunting children.
Final thoughts:
I'm sorry for your losses and pain. You are not alone. There is hope. I, too, lived for a long time in the shadowland. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing. Keep fighting to escape this world of darkness and join the light.
I like the thoughts of heroes, strangers, and fathers and the role each person plays in a young boy's life.
Structural issues:
The concept of aspiring toward something seemed a bit odd to me. I think aspiring is usually to be something/someone. However, I'm not sure how to fit that in with the poem form. Maybe taking out the "'Tis toward" and replacing it with "To be like"
I like the concept & the Olde English. You create a good Puritan impression, but one that is still apropos for today. The rhyme is good; the words lovely. The meter seems a bit off in places. I realize you're probably not trying to write the poem in a specific meter, but you fall into a trochee/anapestic meter, which is lovely. (da da dum, da da dum) The lilt of that meter works well for your poem, so when the meter changes, it throws me off a little.
Something I've found helpful with meter is to tap it out with my fingers, stressing the accented syllables. The last line may be a good place to start, because it falls into the meter quite well.
Some really promising images and threads of a story. The book ending using the quilt was a great idea.
What I liked about the piece:
I like Kieran's emotion, as well as his friend Danny's desire to help him.
You have some great vivid details--the neon green gum that Kieran stared at while talking to Lena; the scent of lavender from the quilt; Danny ordering him Jaegermeister because he needed something stronger than Guiness.
Structural issues:
Some of the scenes seemed a little choppy. Others were a bit awkward to follow. For instance, when Kieran is writing the email and Danny interrupt, the line " 'Why? Are you OK?' was all Kieran wrote" seemed at first to be his response to Danny after he said "OK" questioningly. Perhaps a sentence before that reminding the reader that Kieran was writing the email would help (something like "Kieran turned back to the empty screen before him."
If Danny was on the phone with Kieran when he got attacked, would he have waited that long to contact someone? Wouldn't he have known that something was wrong right away?
Final thoughts:
A great start to the story. Keep working at it. You have some memorable lines and images, and with some work, this piece can be excellent.
The emotion was excellently portrayed. I was a bit puzzled by parts of the verses.
What I liked about the piece:
I really liked the bridge. I also liked the imagery of the verses--the cloud and the leaves in fall. The picture of them on a cloud over the blue waves of the ocean was striking.
Challenges:
The repetition of "it all" in the first and second lines of the first verse seemed too repetitious to me. Perhaps instead of the "it all" in the second line, "the world" would work just the same.
I also felt like only the narrator was being held back. It seemed to me that she was trapped and chained to him, but he was prevented from giving himself to her fully. Maybe something is holding "me" back instead of us?
Final thoughts:
Again, the emotion was great. The feeling of being held back came through--I just think a few minor changes would allow it to shine.
I liked the two sisters forging through life together, looking the same outwardly, but distinct from each other.
I really liked the last line before the jump in time--the memory of what the family used to be before the fighting started.
I liked the description of them thinking their mom was asleep but then realizing that she wasn't. It showed their innocence and naivety.
Structural issues:
I wasn't sure the point of the mom still being alive when they found her. It seemed a little sadistic, and despite the problems their parents had, I found it difficult to believe that the dad wouldn't make it quick. Even if she didn't die right away, I don't think victims who have their throats slashed can talk loudly.
The grammar also needs work. The verb tenses shift throughout the piece. I would start with paragraphing. Each time someone speaks, you need a new paragraph.
Then move on to the verb tenses.
Final thoughts:
A great start and a good idea! The story has promise--keep working at it!
Oh, I can so identify with this! I have four girls four and under. It's exhausting!
What I liked about the piece:
I like the realism of the piece--the clean, sweet smell of freshly bathed children contrasted with their attitudes and actions.
Structural issues:
Punctuation is needed. My trick is to write the piece together like prose, punctuate it appropriately, and then divide it back into a poem, keeping the punctuation.
In the next to the last stanza, "set" with my feet up should be "sit" instead.
I wasn't sure the significance of the peeps in the last line. Perhaps if you spoke of the children as baby chicks earlier in the piece, this would tie it together.
Final thoughts:
You've captured well these moments of parenting. Thanks for sharing, and write on!
The emotion was raw and real. The format was a bit difficult to read.
What I liked about the piece:
I liked the rawness of the piece. Many of your descriptions were vivid and clear, but also compact and concise--an excellent combination.
Structural issues:
I think a poem form might be better for this piece. The capitalization is a bit much, and the lines read more like poetry running together.
Final thoughts:
You have a great start here. I think with a different form, this piece would connect very well with your readers. You have good emotion. I especially liked the jigsaw pieces of the broken heart.
Intriguing. This is long, but a good way to get at some of the same thoughts I've been trying to express in other pieces. It does seem alien in our culture for someone to be invisible.
The ideas were creative and well laid out. I liked the realistic feeling of the events portrayed, even if some seemed a bit over the top.
The story is intriguing. The initial scene drew me in, although I found myself having to consciously set aside my disbelief that a woman whose head hit a windshield at 200 mph could ever survive.
What I liked about the piece:
The story itself seemed a bit cold and sterile, which created the scene well for the reader to sympathize with Mr. Grey.
Structural issues:
The final segment seemed disconnected from the rest of the story. I think some more explanation is needed, even if very brief and still a bit sketchy. My guess is that Jackie woke up and that she called Norton, but it's really unclear. It could be her sister. Don't take out the part about the traffic lights and the superstitious things we hold onto (like the light turning green).
Final thoughts:
You have set the scene well and created intrigue. I would prefer a little bit of closure at the end after the dramatic scene with Jackie's sister, but that is my preference. It may not fit with your view of the story.
The scenes were detailed well; painting vivid pictures the reader could visualize without being told how to think.
What I liked about the piece:
I liked the imagery. The story line flowed pretty well, and I enjoyed the cliff hanger at the end.
Structural issues:
No major structural issues. I would make a few suggestions, though.
1.) The concept of duct tape "wandering" across the front of the trailer seemed odd. Perhaps "were splashed against" or something else like that. I did like the band-aid, though. Don't change that.
2.) If they have a warrant, I'm wondering why they don't just knock down the door. Perhaps it is only an arrest warrant and they can't enter his home?
3.) I felt like the officers' reaction when the girl appeared wasn't active enough. I didn't feel like they would sit back on their hands, especially with back-up so far out. It didn't seem that the back-up was SWAT. Something like that might explain their reticence to jump in and instead simply curse and wring their hands.
Final thoughts:
You've got a great start here. I'd like to read more.
The story was a bit predictable, but you had great detail that drew me in as a reader.
What I liked about the piece:
I liked the scarf. I enjoyed the image painted of the man grieving her loss and the woman letting go, content and fairly peaceful to be out of the hospital and to be “normal.”
Structural issues:
Some spelling errors (i.e., leukemia, tonne of bricks); some sentences that aren’t actually complete thoughts—“Almost as if I could see what was going through his mind.”
Final thoughts:
Good story; well captured in a short sequence. Your descriptions are good without going overboard or insulting the reader by telling him/her what to think.
Wow! A simple child's rhyme, yet your take on it was excellent. I love the second stanza--the feel of a merry-go-round with the rhythm; the rhyme; the picture of plucking off petals one at a time.
I felt it might be better with punctuation, but overall, it was excellent. Thanks for sharing, and write on!
When I opened the piece I did so reluctantly because I am not a big fan of fantasy, but the opening scene captivated me.
As I read the story, I felt torn. Part of me liked the end, but part of me wanted it to end when Melissa died and got her wish (albeit in an unexpected way). I think maybe the second part would be better as a separate story—or maybe creatively told from the viewpoint of Melissa and her father in Heaven? (see final thoughts below)
What I liked about the piece:
You set the scenes well. Your language is excellent and vivid, painting a picture for the reader. The characters are sound, and the story compelling.
Structural issues:
Excellent scenes. Some wordiness—paragraph 2 “years old” in sentence one is unnecessary. I would also eliminate the “for hours” and work in a little later that it is nearly noon.
The second half of paragraph two seems too repetitive. I like the box line, but repeating clovers twice seems too much. Perhaps—“The clovers? Magic.”
As the story progresses, there are several comma splices (sentences connected only by a comma). To fix, you can use a semicolon instead of the comma, add a conjunction (i.e., and, but, or), or make them into two separate sentences. An example would be the fifth sentence in paragraph 13 about Melissa and her mother barely speaking.
Final thoughts:
I really liked the story. I think you lost some of the impact by transitioning from Melissa’s quest to her mother’s grief. I liked the details of how Melissa’s mom needed her—how she had been a miracle baby—but it felt distracting to me. I was drawn in to Melissa’s story. Maybe having her talking to her father in Heaven and him explaining it to her might be a way to accomplish this?
Overall, I really enjoyed your work. Thanks for sharing, and write on!
I like it! Creative and unusual. I wasn't sure where this was going until the very end.
The dialogue was a bit difficult to follow at times with all the sentences in-between speeches. I was also a little confused at the size of the boy and the cat. It seemed that the cat must be quite large to bounce him off the wall.
Overall, though, I found it interesting. Thanks for sharing, and write on!
Keaton, thanks for sharing. My husband and I are foster and adoptive parents, and we've read some of your poems in our training classes. You have a gift that came with a high price. Thank you for choosing to move beyond being a victim and helping others in similar situations.
A few grammar comments:
1.) In the first paragraph, the second sentence would be less awkward if the ending were worded " . . . and over eighty-five hundred poems (and counting), Keaton . . . "
2.) I think stating your full name each time becomes redundant and wordy. I would just use Foster after the first time your full name is listed.
3.) Second paragraph needs a comma after say in the first sentence.
4.) In the third paragraph, no comma is needed after complicated in the second sentence, but a comma is needed after life (instead of a period).
5.) The second sentence of the fourth paragraph has an extra comma after poems. Also in that paragraph, you have a mixed metaphor in the last sentence (no stone unturned behind closed doors).
6.) Comma needed after 1970s in the first sentence of para. 5.
7.) Comma needed after college in the second sentence of para. 6.
8.) I'm not sure what to do with the eighth paragraph. It doesn't seem right to start talking to the reader all of a sudden. Perhaps say something like, "Foster's advice to his reader is" and then tell them to remember to step outside the box.
9.) I would combine paragraphs 9 and 10. Also, in paragraph 9, an apostrophe is needed in Fosters to show possession of the publisher.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.32 seconds at 2:01am on Sep 29, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "