Overall I wasn't particularly impressed. With such a short piece you've gotta be quite focused to really make a point. Here, the language you used is pretty straight-forward. I can't say I didn't enjoy it. It just seemed as though it were part of something larger, more of an idea than a complete thought. Maybe that is what you were going for anyways.
If you want this to become a stand-alone piece then their is a lot of work to be done. Focus the imagery. Offer an opinion. Give something new for the reader to cling too.
If this is part of something bigger, keep working on it!
If this is just an idea, you could also keep working on it!
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