You have a beautiful way of taking something most consider basic, such as a river, and making it something extraordinary. Maybe this is just personal preference, because I haven't met an adjective I didn't like, but I would like a little more description of what they are seeing, smelling, hearing, etc. The creature, for example, has sharp teeth, sharp claws, and sharp scales. Does it squeal or yelp or growl? Does it smell like anything Mason has ever known or is that smell new to him as well?
I like the way you take the reader back to the beginning with your references to Drax. It makes me wonder if his story isn't quite finished. My initial thought was that he had become the peacekeeper, but I'm not sure if you would take a path so obvious. Either way, I like the introduction of this character as opposition for the boys. I'd like to know a little more about Nylia, but its probably just my own curiosity and will be answered as I read a little further.
Your pacing is wonderful, allowing the audience only a moment to catch their breath before the next action. I was concerned about the point of view switching when you first introduced it, but it really works for you. I love that the all powerful mage now has a hidden weakness with the crystal in him, and the hint that he might have an emotional weakness to Nylia. I just can't get enough of your world.
It's getting so exciting! You certainly have a way about your writing that pulls your audience in. One thing I would ask though, is that ALL of the senses get touched, rather than just a couple. For example, was there any kind of smell from the musty books in the morning or from the smoldering robe of Zeno?
I was very surprised by this chapter. I didn't expect to see Zek's point of view so soon, as the story seems to center on Mason. In truth, I can't say whether or not I like it. I like the story, and understand that it is meant to move the plot forward, but it just seems a sudden change as we are just getting into the story. I suppose I can't say more until I read a bit further, but my general impression right now is that while I found it interesting, I also found it a bit distracting.
This continues beautifully. Your characters have real life, real emotions, and your audience can see that as they follow Mason and Zek through their day. You are creating a masterpiece with this work, weaving in enough information to keep the audience wanting more, while letting the story lead itself. You ask for tips about character development because there isn't as much action as in your prologue, but I really think you already know what you're doing and don't need to change anything. Your characters are developing themselves, and the lack of action is necessary to allow your reader a glimpse at who your characters are.
This is really great. I was immediately pulled in by your word choice, your descriptions, and your great details. The scene is immediately created in my mind as I read your words, making your world visible and clear. You have an amazing concept here.
There are several things about this story that make it easy to like. The general premise is wonderful and reveals a well-planned, thought provoking story. I'm certain that I could very much grow to like these characters in an extended scene, though in this short there is not much to them.
I particularly liked the childhood memory, which draws the reader to closer contact with Jack.
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