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Review by Aero Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
As I do more reviews and ratings, I have begun to standardize a format. Each segment is rated 1 to 5 and an average of the (currently) four sections is derived to result in an overall rating for the piece.

Concept
Subjective, but I ask myself if I like the theme or concept.

Theme/Plot Development
Is the theme or plot advanced in the chapter or short story?

Readability Index
Again, somewhat subjective, but how readable is the piece. Paragraph formating and sentence structure are key here.

Technical Elements
Less subjective. Grammar, spelling and punctuation and general language usage are the key elements here.

So, without further ado...

Concept - 5
As I said, I like this idea

Theme/Plot Development - 3.5
While the idea DID move forward from chapter 2, I think that more could have been done from the end of 2 through the end of 3.

As I recall chapter 2, "39" was still struggling to gain control of the key card that would have given her freedom. What happened? It seems to me that this part of the story (aborted escape) warranted more than 2 sentences.

Readability Index - 3
I don't know whether you intended this chapter to be a single LOOOONG paragraph or not, but as displayed here, it made it very difficult to read.

The human eye, and brain, need logical breaks to allow for smooth reading. If you intended more breaks, use the check box to retain formatting from your word processor.

If not, find the logical spots in the story and create those breaks.

Technical - 3
There are no REAL glaring errors here, but I do take issue with a couple of things.

The room was not really "inhabited" by the programmer, it was in fact "occupied"

"There were muttered voices..." Not technically correct. She may have heard people muttering, or she may have heard "muffled" voices...

"The door slid shut behind them and clunked as it locked." Again, not technically correct. The door didn't "chunk". It made a "chunking sound". But I wouldn't stop there, or frankly allow this EVENT to pass with one simple sentence. This gets to the development portion as well.

Try something more dramatic -

As 39 lay crouched on the table she watched the heavy steel door slide slowly closed. Her brain searched frantically for a way out as it inched closer to it's final verdict.

The door finally reached the latch - making a muffled clank that echoed through 39's cybernetic brain - amplifying her situation.

Trapped!

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