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26
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Review of Laughter  
Review by Jack Barnes
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Chilande


Yes, you are new at this, and I can tell that several ways. Let me start with the positive.

You have a love for describing your experience, and your enthusiasm for it shines through. That is good in writing. Even if a person has nothing to say, if they say it with enthusiasm, we will still want to here it. The voice of your enthusiasm comes through in your writing.

But, you are not connecting all the dots. You need to work on this piece. Does the man look like Charlie Chaplin, or a character out of a Chaplin movie? You mention something about a funny guy with a moustache at the beginning of your piece, before you bump into another funny man and send your coffee spoon catapulting toward a soon to be angered woman. Are these two men one in the same? If so, why is it such a revelation looking at him after coffee mishap?

You sound like your main character is an actress looking for a way to connect with the character she is about to play on stage that night. She is nervous and studying the people around her, looking for inspiration, when by accident that inspiration literally falls right into her lap. Is this what you were going for.? Then why not tell us a little about the character she is about to play. This would help us visualize the inspiration she is looking for.

You have the elements, but you are not puttying them together in the right sequence. You are not building with them. I don’t feel the girl’s dilemma, searching in vain for an inspiration. I need to feel this to make the story work. The story should have, I think, a quality to it that says you can look so hard for something, that you miss what is right in front of you, until the hand of fate takes pity on you and helps you out meeting the person colliding over a coffee spoon.

You have a story here. You need to flesh it out more. You need to bring this young actress to life on the page. Let her tell about herself, her ambitions, her fears, how this is her big break and she is afraid she’s going to blow it. Make us go with her as interested parties on her search for the character to inspire her, let us see all the uninspiring people she meets, before we experience the shock and awe she does when she unexpectedly finds the one she’s looking for. This is the craft of writing.

Also, don’t be a literary mumbler, there are very few Brandos on the written page. There are a few who do it with success, but they limit themselves to writing a certain type of gutsy, hard edge, couldn’t give a damn if I’m read or not, prose. Some of it is actually pretty good. Most of it is just a caricature of what it pretends to be.

You are not really doing that here, but you are being too casual with the formalities. This is not email! Capitalize the personal pronoun “I.” Take the time to edit and review your punctuation. How a piece scans to the reader’s eye, makes the difference between being read and not being read. Consider this line you wrote:

I scooped up what would have been the sixth spoon of sugar to add into my steaming cup of coffee; I have a sweet tooth, when the spoon was sent flying across the table to land at the feet of an especially angry looking woman .

You are not using the semi colon correctly here. Consider this:

I scooped up what would have been the sixth spoon of sugar to add into my steaming cup of coffee -- I have a sweet tooth -- when the spoon was sent flying across the table to land at the feet of an especially angry looking woman.

What do you think? These are your same words and they are perfect, but the parenthetical use of dashes makes the difference. Get use to consulting a grammar text and Googling “punctuation uses.”

A good plot, well described interesting characters, conflict and resolution, are the things that hold a reader to the story. The grammatical fundamentals of good writing are what brings the reader to the story, and, without them, you can’t hold the reader to the story. Work at becoming reader friendly.

You need much work on this piece. I feel you can do it. I belong to a group of reviewers who believe ratings are not handed out for encouragement but for accomplishment. The last rating I received for my own writing was a 2.5. But, I’m not as good a reviewer as the lady who reviewed me; I’m giving you a three.

I would like to read this again when you have done some more on it.

John
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27
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: E | (4.0)
The moral of this story, as I make it out, is that if a child is raised by parents who are indifferent to it, a father who cannot feel and a mother who cannot see, and their home is a place where animosities reign and hateful attitudes abound, the child will grow up wracked with fear. The child's only hope is to be "brave" and seek out a different environment and different people. She must not let herself be defined by her home life, she must make a new world for herself and define herself anew.

I like this story. It is a simple piece of wisdom. It preaches compassion. I found it a little hard at first because of the devise of using emotions as characters, especially the emotions of not feeling and not seeing and of a void. It is hard to form a mental picture around these things.

What you really have here is a template for a story. You have the outline for the dynamic that takes place between the characters: a feel nothing father, a see nothing mother, a frightened child looking for escape.

Leave this little fable as it is, if you like, but flesh out the reall story.

John
28
28
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good rewrite. You still haven't said why the boy was kidnapped, but you have added enough about the kidnappers that that is okay. The reader can use his imagination. What I suggest you do is post this story on the request review page. Go to the menu at the top of this page and put your mouse on "item jumps." You will see a column of sites. Choose "request review." At the bottom of that page you will be able to post your story. People will give you feedback and help you with things like punctuation and sentence structure.

Your story held my interest and made me want to read more. Good job.

Tramp
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29
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: E | (3.0)
I've rated this a three, but I don't want you to be discouraged. This is a rough draft. You have a good story going here. Rewrite and I'll re rate.

Story wise you don't say why the boy is abducted. You need to tell this to give a certain tension to the telling. You don't say why he is abandoned by his abductors either. The story has to be a little more tightly held together. We need to know the motives of the abductors.

The other thing you need to do is clean up your spelling and some of your sentence structure. Run a spell check. You write well enough that I know you know correct sentence structure. Proofread carefully.

Your descriptions are vivid and your voice good. Overall, it was a pleasant read. Just proofread carefully and try to bring more direction into your plot. let me know when you've re written this.

Tramp
30
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Review of The Cause  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This piece was gripping. I think your best so far. You are good at building suspense. I like how the details open gradually, slowly filling us in that we are on a ride with the IRA to carry out a hit.

I'm a little confused by something, though. The whistle signals the dog to kill. The dog kills whatever person is in sight (other than Mick, I presume). Rafferty went into the kitchen, not outside. Why did Mick blow the whistle? -- Maybe it was to have the dog kill the girl in the first place(I just thought of that). Maybe when she showed up Mick knew she would have to be dealt with. Okay. Makes sense now.

It's a vicious ending. It borders on unbelievable. Killing the little girl is just too cold. But, that was what you were driving at I think.

I like the image at the end of Lan making note to report Mick's softness. I like how that contrasts with Mick's confused feeling about the dog and the girl (disappointment with the dog, but glad the girl's still alive). I just wish Mick hadn't tried to kill the girl with the dog (or any other way). I was hoping maybe he was reforming from violence.

No! There's nothing soft about that s**o**b. Lan better watch himself. You hit it perfectly.

Great job

Tramp
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31
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
i Ash,

This one took me back. I was a marine in Vietnam, -- 1st mardiv, I corps, 1968-69..

Some of your dialogue read so old time true: Indian Country...Others squads ate and drank as they pleased, but The Horse made his squad eat only native foods so they would smell the same as the enemy ...back to the World.

This part about eating foods that the VC ate, I remember as something that was told to new guys to f***k with them. The other stuff about "the world" and "Indian country," very true sounding.

"Cassic “L” ambush". (?) -- I was a Marine gunner (0331); I set up a lot of ambushes. There's nothing classic about them. Terrain, manpower, weather, what's expected, and plain old gut feeling-- these are the things that get figured into an ambush. "Classic L' is stuff you learn back at school before you go to the show. I don't know anything about it.

Very good job on this piece. You have obviously done your homework. I can't tell from this whether or not you served in Vietnam. You are so close on to the feel of it that I think probably you did. My only suggestion is to go into those feelings. What do I mean. You were right there next to them. Beanball was a kid getting a Dear John and feeling all that little kid stuff about loosing his girlfriend. A second later he's fighting for his life and the lives of everyone with him. Then taking a body count on mop up (and doing what he had to do then) -- this is what really happened.

And you know what, after it was all over, Beanball and evreybody else that didn't get killed went right back to feeling wussy toed about Mary Sue back home. That is the kind of realism that is never written about. Good job..

I liked this, really. If I can help you with it let me know.

John (Tramp)

PS Some days you eat the bad, and somedays the bad eats you -- The law of the jungle is the way the cookie crumbles -- How many and a hook? -- Swoop on back to the world, brother. Peace!
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Review of The Match  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You must have done some work on this. It reads much smoother than it did yesterday. Maybe, its just me. There are a few typos (there always are), so proofread again -- I caught things like you write "probable" when you mean "probably," "Them" when you mean "then." Read slow, you'll spot them. There aren't many.

This is well written from a grammatical and prose point of view. Your descriptions of the wrestling matches are very good. You bring the reader into the tension of the match and have the reader empathising with the boy who doesn't want to lose again. But, there is a problem. It's toooooooooo long!

The heart of this story is the anxiety Matt feels about this coming match, and the elation he finds at his final triumph. Everything in the story must serve the purpose of bringing those feelings out. You need to choose the scenes that do this the best, and, for lack of a better term, weed the rest out. Shorten this story and it will pack a stronger punch.

I know, this is the hard part of writing. But, if it were easy, everyone would do it. Sometimes you have to lose paragraphs so well written it hurts to delete them. But if they don't really add to the purpose of the story, you must. Sometimes it is hard to look at your own writing that objectively, but you must. Doing it teaches you to be honest with yourself.

Work this story. It is a classic high school jock victory tale. As you trim the fat and get at the meat of it, you might find other possibilities opening up. Some of the best stories ever told have been on this theme. Just off hand, "Hoosiers" and "That Championship Season" come to mind.

Good luck.
Tramp
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Review of Commencement  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I can not think of one thing that would make this story better. The length is perfect. The tone just right. The emotion, again perfect.

I don't get the sense that this estranged couple are are weighted down with regret. They are whole people who have moved on with their lives. They are each likable, and just as their daughter, I, the reader, want to see them get back together. It is nice how you bring this off.

I especially like how you fleshed out the father, showing him to be purposeful with a touch of class (the Mercedes he specifically ordered), reflective and a little romantic (the song), responsible and honest with himself (he knew he screwed up when he screwed around).

You also were able to show the attractive qualities of this man and woman without belaboring descriptions. With Deb, the flirtation of the desk clerk puts quotes around her attractive features. With Dan, standing before Deb shirtless, her eyes cast the same quotes around him. Then the subtle implication that these two belong together just by the sound of their names, Deb and Dan, completes the portrait.

The ending with the "pas de deux" was nicely done. Saying that it was a pas de due of perfect synchronization might be redundant, but perfectly acceptable here. A reader does not have to know what a pas de deux is to get the feel of what is intended here.

I'm going to play with your mind a little bit here. The last sentence I did feel was a little overstated. I don't think I would lose any sleep worrying about how to change it. But I want to give you an idea how to use the pas de deux image. Keep in mind, that using it this way may lose some readers who aren't familiar with the term. But, for those who are, I think it will read sweet. Consider:

In perfect synchronization, each sat down, switched on the bedside lamp, lay back, crossed their legs at the feet, raised their newspapers, and waited for the next pas de deux.

Really, Nicki, an excellent piece. I was very pleasantly surprised. I take back every negative thing I said to you (and, as I said, I stand by everything I say).

Tramp
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Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is poignant, and if it is true then keep writing. You will write the beast out of you and write the man into you. This is true. That beast cannot stay in the light of reason this man uses in his writing. Keep writing.

Since you don't indent your paragraphs you might want to separate each paragraph by an extra space. In the last sentence you say "a unpleasant," it should be "an." Probably a typo.

Your bodily descriptions are vivid and effective and portray exactly what I think you want to portray. Good job.

Really, if this is autobiographical, I meant what I said. If you can write this truthfully, you can live that way too. Good luck.
Tramp
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Review of M&M Lost  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this story. It is like a pack of M&Ms. Not a wholly nutritious meal, but very satisfying in itself. It is also very creative. Well done.

I think you over use the semi-colon(;)

I'm fairly certain the "M" on my chest is faded; almost gone.

try a comma.

But then what? I am too tainted to be eaten; if I try to wash myself off, my candy shell will dissolve.

This needs a period after eaten. It reads better as two sentence.

I like your inventiveness. keep it up.
Tramp
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Review of Airport Wasteland  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I don't know what to say about this story. I want to offer encouragement because I think you can write. But, I don't think what I have to say will be encouraging. I'm just going to tell the truth about what I see.

My impression is you are trying to write a sympathetic characterization of the young man in this story. I think you fail horribly. The pseudo-intellectualism in this, I don't think you intend as pseudo-intellectualism. I think you really want the young man to appear sensitive and erudite. He is not. He is smug, self centered, and condescendingly opinionated. Some of this can be forgiven because he is a student and he is looking at the world through the eyes of the academic superiority he has learned at school. But, he hasn't lived enough to know how limited that point of view can be, or feel embarrassment for it. Few, I think, would find this character sympathetic.

He says he sees a story in all the people at the airport, and then goes on to describe some of these people in rude, condescending, unbelievable cliches. I don't buy the description of the western man in the ten gallon hat. Your whole point here is to make the man laughable from the point of view of someone who feels superior to him. Again, you do the same thing with the airport security person. I don't believe this airport security person would point out the cowboy's wife and make the remarks you say he made. It simply is not a credible characterization. I felt completely alienated from this young man and his inane artistic and literary references.

From a technical point of view, you really need to quit describing every single minute observation in graphic detail. My imagination had no room to participate in this story. The readers participation is critical in a short story. Read the article by the editor of the Short Story Newsletter this week (you might have to go to the newsletter archives because I think they forgot to send it out). It talks about this point.

I'm sorry if I shocked you, Bioshock. I wouldn't have taken the time if I didn't believe in your ability to write. I think what you have in this story is a good first draft. Get back in it, sort through all the high minded opinions of the main character and find the real story. Some of the stuff I've written in first draft was even worse than self serving dung. I took some tough blows for it. In the end, some of those first drafts turned out to be some of the best stories I've written. I think you will find the same thing true. good luck.
Tramp
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Review of Galmoos  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an interesting read for me. As a merchant Marine, I have been to that part of the world and am familiar with the Somalian and Yemenite people. This reads like a great opening chapter for a longer story. I hope you continue it.

I found some technical problems. Over all your writing is clear and readable and carries a nice voice. But I had some trouble in a few spots.

Ali watched the marvelous craft for the first time, his mind recording vivid images within his mind. The only thing with engines that Ali knew was the cars that come through the town in the morning.

First, you have too many "his minds." Either say "his mind recording vivid images" or "recording vivid images in his mind." Second, you're mixing up singular verb use with a plural object ( I think I said that right). I think it reads better saying {c;blue}The only things with engines that Ali knew were the cars that came through the town in the morning.

Khaleef, Omar, and Farah all of whom Ali knew they belonged to the Circle, men that were on the same position as his father. They were respected men among the people of Galmoos, the first to investigate any sign of trouble. From this distance, two figures came out of the plane and began taking many things out of the plane.

Something is missing here. I think what you are driving at is this "circle' of men are the ones who go to investigate the occurrence of the plane landing, but you don't say that. Check it out. You need to clarify why you are talking about this circle of men.

{c:red]Now, being close enough to be able to touch one was mind blowing.{/c]

My only problem with this is that "mind blowing' doesn't seem to fit the speech pattern of the narrator.

{c:red]He had strong hands, hazel green eyes, a thin and bony nose and skin that has seen better days.

I think it should read "had seen" rather than "has seen."

It was obvious to the new comer, that Ali never saw one up-close as he was starring at the plane, not even one on a picture, that the man smiled and said, “This is roobladhac, I bet you haven’t seen one this beautiful before,” the man said with smile.

You have me confused here. First, the sentence structure is all screwed up. Simply say it was obvious to the new comer that Ali had never seen a plane before, probaly never even seen a picture of one. Smiling, the man said...etc. etc..

Second, who is the new comer. Is he the pilot of the plane or the other man who looks like the people of Gamoos. It sounds like the pilot because he talks of taking the boy up in the plane. But the rest of the dialogue sounds like the boy is talking to the other man. Later you refer to whoever the boy is talking to as Hassan, but you just pull the name out without an introduction of his name. It is not smooth. Maybe you should have him introduce himself to either the boy or someone in the circle of men using his name.

I liked this story and would like to read more. I liked the voice of the narrator and the easy manner of his telling. There are some clarifications and corrections to syntax that need to be made, but overall, good job.
Tramp
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Review of shock therapy  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This is a good story and it is well told. It is a good prelude to a story to come.

You might want to tighten it up some. Maybe break up the narrative with some dialogue. Dialogue can often explain in a few short lines what it takes narrative two paragraphs to say.
The major problem with this piece is the complete absence of capitalization. Why? You obviously know how to write, spell and punctuate. Are you making a point? (Is this an e.e. cummings thing). If so, the point is being loss. The ungrammatical road bumps caused by this lack of capitalization, makes your piece irritating to the eye and worrisome to read. And that is a shame. This piece is otherwise well written. Please, go back over this and correct the problem, so people can enjoy an otherwise well written story.
Tramp
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Review of ALL YOU CAN EAT  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi bioshocked,

This is Tramp. You reviewed a piece of mine a while back called "I Should Have Looked Closer." You're right; I need to work on it. You ask me to look at your writing and offer comments, so here I am.

I don't know whether I am disappointed by the ending or amused and satisfied by it. Really, it could go either way. Reading the story, I thought you were a little over the top with the descriptions of Mr. Hichens, but the ending seemed to justify those descriptions. The ending fooled me. But I don't think unpleasantly. Don't get me wrong here, there is something in this story that doesn't work for me. My first feeling after reading it was disappointment. But, something about it haunted me so I went back over it. Then I realized the thing you were doing and I smiled.

I've read this and one other piece you wrote (I intend to review that too). You mention in your bio you are a student. I want to encourage you. You have talent. You can turn a descriptive phrase eloquently. But that is also part of the problem I have reading you. You describe too much detail into every little observance your narrator has. Your writing is so overloaded with these descriptions of relatively inconsequential impressions of the narrator that the real story is hidden. Remember, the reader has to participate with his own imagination in the story to make it enjoyable to read. Don't tell the reader how he or she should feel. Be careful about telling the reader too much about the narrator's opinion of all that is going on. If the reader becomes alienated from the narrator, the reader stops reading. An opinionated narrator is easy to become alienated to.

Don't bury your talent by heaping pointless examples of it in your writing. Use it with poignancy, by using it sparingly. Tell the story straight, pick your moments to be graphic, and then make them sing. In other words, lay low in the tall grass and when the moment's right, come up shooting. Good luck.
Tramp
40
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Review of Furniture Sale  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi T Wolf,

Let me start by saying that you have a gift for writing dialogue. I can here these characters and feel their distinct personalities. You have that gift for being able to modulate your 3rd person narrative voice to take on the personalities of the different characters and still stay in character as the narrator. Very good.

I have a sense that you probably speak like you write. You have a good ear for voices. I think writing comes natural to you; and that reminds me of something I wrote to another gifted person I reviewed. I'm going to tell you the same thing.

When I was a young teenager I found that I had a gift. From almost the first moment I picked up a guitar, my hands knew what to do with it. Singing came even more naturally. I got a lot of attention for it. I didn't have to work hard to learn it; never felt the need to stretch myself to do the harder pieces. I had talent, I didn't have to work at the mechanics of craft. So I never did. Forty years later, I'm still playing the same three songs.

Take some time with your writing and your proof reading. You're problems are minor ones. Things like "...she didn't want to salesman to think..." of course you meant she didn't want "the" salesman to think. That is the kind of little thing that breaks up your otherwise perfect pitch for voice. I'll tell you why I think you make those mistakes. Your talent gets in your way. You hear the voices so well in your mind that when you are reading your words back, you are not really reading the written words. You are like a musician looking at a score of a piece she already knows. Her instinct is just to play it by ear. That's OK, if she is not proofing a new printing of the score. When you play back the music of the notes you wrote, play it back according to the notes you wrote. Don't just sing it back to yourself the way you remember it. It is hard sometimes not to do that.

The other thing I'd like to mention is that I think you understand the people you write about. Take us to the tension and drama in their lives. Show us the humor, as you have, but flesh them out more. You are not over wordy, in fact you have a nice economy about words. But you write a lot of dialogue that, while musical, doesnt seem to go anywhere. It promises to go somewhere, but it doesnt arrive. This was a very pleasant read; I just wish you would tell a more interesting story.

Now I'll give you a story of mine to tear apart. People seem to take a look at it then turn away. I get a lot of views, but few feedbacks. I don't know what's wrong. You tell me. The story is "Tropic Desire." Keep writing. Good luck.
Tramp
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Review of REDEMPTION  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Two glimpses of heaven and hell and a soul rescued from its torment, well written. But the soul's torment is caused by something, and there is a price for redemption. What is the something that tormented this soul, and what price to it pay for its redemption? This is your first attempt at writing a story? Good first attempt.

Tramp
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Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Merry Christmas Stan

I'm reading your story THROWING BRICKS AT PAPER WALLS. You have something here and you are a good enough writer to get it down. I want to tell you, though, some of the problems I'm having following the story.
I take it this is a story about an eighteen year old boy, just out of high school, working as an apprentice painter for a painting company and living in a flop house. He has mixed feelings. He enjoys his independence, but he's not finding his dreams. He has started looking for them in drinking and gambling. He thinks the panhandler is a decent man (is this to be his role model?). I'm not quite sure what he really thinks of his counter parts, the recent high school grads on their way to college. Your one reference there is confusing. Why does this kid think these college bound kids are fooling themselves about their hope filled dreams and ambitions? How would he know? He is eighteen years old and working as a painter. It doesn't sound like he is on his way to college. Or, maybe this job is how he is working his way through college? If so, you have to tell the reader that. Don't assume the reader just knows it.
My main problem is that I had to read way to far before I got a handle on who this kid was. You don't tell me he works as a painter until almost the end of the piece. All through the story I don't know what he is tired from or what he feels uninspired about. You need to paint a clear picture of the circumstances this kid finds himself in before you start telling us how he feels. Otherwise, he is just a face without a name, and I don't think that is what you are going for. It is not enough just to put him in a flop house, drinking beer and admiring the panhandler. Those are good descriptions. But without knowing who this kid is, how is the reader to feel about him. Maybe a flop house is where he belongs? I don't think that is what you are going for either; otherwise, you wouldn't be writing his story in the sympathetic tone you use.
Tell us about his job, maybe start there. How did he come to it? describe the work, then describe how he feels about it. I'm not getting a mental picture of things here. Let the descriptions of the work express the way he feels. Paint the landscape of your story then put your character in it. All I felt was darkness around this boy; not intriguing darkness, locational darkness.
You really have an introspective way in your writing, and you express that introspection well. You are never over wordy or to esoteric. I like your voice. But, while it is essential for good story telling, being too introspective can get in the way of letting the reader know what is happening outside the character. You describe people and things in the story, but without objectively describing the main character (who he is, what he does, why is he there doing it?)all these people and things are just people and things he bumps into in the dark.
Do not give up on this story. I'm intrigued by it. Trust me, I wouldn't say that if I weren't. I hope I've been helpful.
Tramp - merry Christmas
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Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like it. I think you could condense it some. You don't need to include everything UK LOTTERY INC sent Pamela; maybe just the first part under WINNING NOTIFICATION, then skip down to the part that asks for a fee of $500. People will get the idea of what's going on.
Also, where is this taking place? I was halfway through the story before it dawned on me that it was probably someplace other than New Jersey. I got feelings of Jamaica? But, I don't know. You have some good descriptions of small things (the hinge, the leak, the postman"s limp), but the larger setting I don't find. It is a rural setting it seems, and it also seems important that it should be. The story is about an unsophisticated person being preyed on by a sophisticated scam. It is the old country bumpkin beeing hustled by the smooth talking salesman story; but, with what seems to me a Jamaican twist. Work on bringing the geography of this story alive. I like it and would like to read a re-write to really get to know who these people are.

Tramp
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44
Review of My Pet  
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
"...dragons sell their loyalty at a high cost.." I love it!
When I first turned to this piece, knowing that it was not the kind of fiction I usually read (Fantasy, Gothic), and saw the length of it, I almost turned away. But, after the first few lines I was hooked. I was entertained by a genre I am usually not entertained by. I can't offer any criticism except to say you should have used "me" where you used "I" once ("...steered clear of him and I." I think you need the objective case here -- but what the hell do I know?). You are far more talented than "I" at this sort of writing, so forgive me if I don't embarrass myself by trying to tell you about something you know so much better than "me" (see, I do it too). Allow me just to read and enjoy you. Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Tramp
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Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: E | (2.5)
When I got the idea (Mrs Clause picking up the slack for her drunk husband), I liked it. But I didn't get that right away. Maybe the title should be "Mrs Clause Saves Christmas;" after all the elves only helped.
In the second stanza I don't get the use of the word "behooves." The word means to make necessary; as in "it behooves us as writers to speak the truth." Do you mean that you thought it was necessary for Santa to have the night cap? I don't know, maybe another word would do.
I like the idea: Santa is drunk and Mrs clause gets the elves going and the saves Christmas. Was Mrs Clause a little tipsy too? Is that the "tizzy" you mentioned? Play with this thing a little more. You are on the right track. Merry Christmas.
Tramp
46
46
Review by Jack Barnes
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked this very much. I was brought into it and felt the heat. Please write more.
One thing, though; I really wonder how this would sound written in the first person? This young woman's personality lights up this piece. I felt the third person narrative tone threw a Vail over that light. This young lady is enticing. It would be a turn on to hear her in her own voice talking about her own experience. I can hear her even through the third person. Let me give you an example. Take the last two sentences and put them into the first person. Watch the action:
"I opened my apartment door and made a beeline for my room; threw my coat and shoes towards the couch -- tossed all the pillows of my bed -- snuggled into my king size soft mattress -- pushed the thought of Adam's dark green eyes and perfect dimples out of my mind. Within minutes I was asleep. Yea, right!"
Sorry, I threw in the "Yea, right" because the way this girl was feeling right then about Adam, I don't think she was falling so quickly asleep. But, then what do I know.
You write very well and I look forward to reading more of this story in whatever narrative form you choose. Good work. Keep it up

Sailor
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