I really liked this story. It was well written and creative. Your tone and author’s voice is uniquely your own without re-forging worn-out plotlines and retold stories. I enjoyed reading this.
I would now offer some constructive feedback – this is not so much a review as it is one reader’s impression after a cold read. Take this for what it is – one reader’s opinion…that’s it. Don’t assign any more or less than that, please. I don’t wish to offend but did assume that you are looking for ideas to help with revision. If I’m wrong – do not read any further. If you are looking for feedback then I offer the following:
I do peer-editing and can get carried away sometimes. But my intent is be helpful not to be condescending. So please take these comments/feedback as suggestions NOT corrections. You are a good writer, I just offer my help to refine this one story. To that end, this is what I felt after I cold-read the story…
A sheet of frost hugged the window so tight that cracks erupted erratically in ugly patterns across the glass.
Great imagery and you have a good grasp of creative detail. Bu when I tried to picture this I got stuck on “cracks erupted” had a hard time imagining cracks erupting. Frost would do something more subtle and erupt sounds dynamic and violent. Again just my impression. Easy fix.
The occasional tear of water slithered down the wooden frame and landed on the cold floor with a satisfying 'plip'.
Same issue “satisfying” made me ask why? I am not invested enough to get satisfied in anything. But with another adjective this becomes a well-written sentence that is familiar and creative. I like it.
The tree outside occasionally caressed the brick of the house gently with its sharp nails, causing clicks and scratching noises to pierce through the thin air of White Top Mountain.
This is a lot of information in one sentence. My impression is that you are capable of tightening up the language. This reads that you had a flood of ideas and they all made it in. I like your author’s voice and this felt out of character for the author. The passive TELL instead of SHOW means the narrative is taking over. Try to stick to what you appear to do well…engage your reader and show him/her instead of telling. What I mean is that instead of the narrator TELLing the reader ‘the tree did this’ SHOW the reader an action or mood with something like “Nothing could pierce the thin air of White Top Mountain except the clicks and scratches made by the sharp nails of the tree outside as they caressed the brick wall of the house.”
The base of the house was lodged in thick, white, sludgy snow that reached up to, and above, the door.
Passive? Just my opinion but active voice sounds more interesting…”The cold, white snow covered everything in a thick, sludgy blanket deep enough to cover the entire door.”
Icicles hung like frozen, dead bodies in the gallows on the gutters that stretched around the house like black snakes, rattling and hissing against the strong force of the blizzard outside.
Again but -- Drop the hung; make it active instead of bombarding the reader with narrative that tells them what to think. Readers want to make conclusions (it’s how we, as writers, engage them) if we are told what to think we don’t feel invested in the story. Don’t you agree? Also, black snakes and icicles are not familiar (unless you need the ice to be black most readers find icicles a different color – let them infer); I’m not sure about strong force but I can’t think of anything better right now  --– “Icicles, like frozen bodies on the gallows, hung from the gutters hissing and rattling like angry snakes against the strong force of the blizzard.”
Mr Sutherland, the local ski resort’s caretaker, burst through the front door, sheets of ice exploding from the hinges and cracks.
I had trouble picturing this. I thought the snow covered the door. How did he burst through a snowbank covering a door? If a different door, consider dropping previous image or rewording this one.
He was a short man with a natural, pale skin colour, however his cheeks seemed to always stay rosy.
You might tighten up the narrative here. Is ski resort caretaker important info here? Could you include it in a later conversation and accomplish the same thing. If so – combine these sentences:
“Mr. S, a short pale man with cheeks that seemed to stay rosy, burst through the door in a ….”
He turned, placed his hand firmly against the cold metal handle of the door and pushed hard against the wind to slam the steel bar through the wooden holder of the door.
Great imagery and active narrative.
A pleasing clunk followed.
“Pleasing clunk”? awkward and inconsistent. Consider dropping it. Does it really help move your story? Is it necessary?
He ripped the hat off his bald head and shrugged of his snow jacket, which slid to the floor, revealing his dark red jumper.
SP error? Shrugged of vs off? -- “Ripped”? Sounds violent. Inconsistent with shrugged. “Pulling off his hat, he shrugged off…”
He shook off the excess snow and walked over into the chequered floored kitchen, over to the kettle and flicked the switch.
Too many “over”s. Tighten up the language? “Shaking off the remaining snow, he walked in the the kitchen and flicked the switch (next to, by, over the) kettle.” I also wondered how much of this is necessary. Chequered, parquet, hardwood? Does it matter? Great detail, good imagery, but if it doesn’t help the story move – cut it.
A warm red light flashed up on the kettle’s base and a low rumble began.
Great imagery except for “flashed up on…base” just sounded awkward to me. Just my opinion. But perhaps “As the warm red light beneath the kettle began to glow a low rumble began.” Or something like that.
He stared at the blinking light until the phone pierced his thoughts, startling him.
Confusing image. Is it flashing or blinking? I read a single flash but now it sounds like its blinking. Why? After I thought about it a moment, I wondered how much of this was needed. Could you just say he lit the stove to warm the kettle? Or He started a kettle for tea/soup, etc.?
The phone thing threw me. “Pierce”? Reword. Pierce his thoughts? He should be thinking something first. I didn’t know he was thinking so it read abruptly incongruent. In fact, if he is staring at a light, he is either lost in thought or mind was blank. Include this if it is important. Otherwise couldn’t the phone just grab his attention or something? Just my reaction.
He paced over to it and removed it from its body.
Paced and body read a bit awkward. Pacing is usually back and forth. The body of the phone doesn’t sound right. Maybe: He walked over to answer it.?
I just went this far to show you the kind of things I felt when I read it.It is my honest first reaction. You have a great voice and I love the tone and mood you are setting up. The genre demands that you include a sense of foreboding and suspense, so the more mundane the detail the further you get from the objective. If it is necessary then make sure to include something that helps you set the mood for the rest of the story.
Use the hints and suggestions I’ve given you to revise the rest (ONLY if they were helpful) and this should be an easy revision. You are off to a great start and if you would like me to read more let me know. But so many authors get offended so easily that I hesitate to give any more feedback that a cursory glimpse. I want to help but hate to offend anyone. I try to be encouraging and constructive. As a fellow author I hate having sunshine blown up my --- but hate hearing nothing but negatives. So I get it. I’ll leave you with this= I think you have a gift for creative imagery and emotional details that will serve you well. There are only minor revisions that could be made that would make this a wonderful short story that will engage readers and not let them go. I hope this was helpful. I look forward to reading more from you.
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