I like the sarcastic tone to in the poem, especially the part when the speaker says "who cares how far past [....] it is heritage enough for me".
What does X's and O's signify? If it had ended at "mother's daughter" it still would have made a good ending.
There is a typo in "has a story, has a lengend". It is supposed to be legend.
Instead of "churning butter", it would be better to use alliteration because of "short stories".
Another point of confusion for me are the 3rd and 4th lines in the last stanza. Is it trying to say that the speaker believes it is not stitched by hand because of the bloodspots? I am not too sure. Just restructuring it a little will do the trick.
The internal music the poem generates is addicting. I could read it over and over again.
This may just be a pet peeve but instead of using I'll, it would be better to use I will in every place you used the abbreviation.
Second stanza: "It my"...It may? (just a minor typo)
Third stanza: "since all earth return". I find this line specifically a bit confusing. Do you mean to say everyone on earth returns?
In the fifth stanza: the last line could start from "to take". This is because just "him back again" does not add a lot of meaning on its own.
The last two stanzas: here is the "I" the person to whom the baby is given? You could make the switch a bit more clearer. In the beginning you started with "he said..". Then the switch to "I" is the he talking. Then the switch to "I" back again is not very distinct as the previous one.
Sixth stanza, second line: "Dear lord thy will be done". What will be done?
The last line of the sixth stanza: "that risk of grief I'll run". What grief will be run? Is there even a risk of grief to begin with? Except the grief of losing the child. This could be due to the indistinct movement of "I". It took me a while to understand that the I here is the one being given the child. So because of the second line there was this confusion.
Last of all the, the very last line of the very last stanza is a bit awkward. It could be because you wanted to keep the rhythm.
If you do revise, keep that rhythm and look over the punctuation too (that's not a big deal, it happens even to me). It really does add a lot of charm to the whole poem. It sounds like a nursery rhyme, Good job!!
I loved the poem. I could imagine myself walking in the forest. Maybe that is why it called the land of dreamers. The only things that put me off a little is this line "As letting know", it sounds a bit awkward; and "The bodies who intent on this expedition" also sounds awkward in conjunction with the rest. On its own, none of the lines are ungrammatical but when read with the rest, they stick out sorely.
The ending was surprising but a good surprising - I like it.
The repetition of "I left" echoes throughout the poem. It leaves a lasting impression of you leaving on the reader and emphasizes all the things you left and left for. The poem started off in the beginning with the life you left. I like the second half of the poem a lot better (starting from "Ieft for War") because it is more powerful and you made apt word choices.
I get the gist of what you were trying to convey but it is relatively blurry and stands on shaky ground compared to the second bit. For instance, "I left the innocence of my arrogant independence..", this stanza's word choices aren't very smart. In the previous stanza, you left your life to repay your grandparents dues, which shows you are conscientious. Thus, when you use words like "innocence" and "arrogant", there is a stark contrast with what you stated previously. Plus, the verse is not very forthright. Were you innocent as in ignorant or naive? Were you arrogant as in proud or conceited by your youth? This whole stanza could be worked on. Think about where you are heading and where you are heading from. That usually helps with the word choice.
Secondly, if you left your own ingratitude of liberty, does that mean you are ungrateful as well? The thoughts are deep but the means of conveyance not carved out distinctly.
The second half, however, is simple; yet, powerful in its own way. The ending leaves a mark on the reader. You left something right to become a better man. This is simply amazing. Good work with the enjambment too, which was all done in well thought out places.
Just review your punctuation too! That is just a part of editing so no worries :)
The form is good and consistent. There is a storyline and moral to the poem which I highly like. I also noticed that it started off as a sort of with rhythm similar to that of a nursery rhyme. Then it changed to a conversational poem in the middle and finished off wise quip. I just wondered why you left off any sort of punctuation, not including the conversational part. Lastly, instead of the word "eventually", if you use "soon", it would echo the whole nursery theme and make it short. It is a first for to read something with this form. Keep up the amazing work and do share :)
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