Coments:

This is very nice poem. How many of us got caught off guard while trying to be guarded? I think this a sweet poem and you did a good job writing it.


Rating:

I gave this a 4.0 because I thought it was written well and the subject was something we all can relate to..

Coments:

This is a very interesting piece on so many levels. I recognized the themes of a few Beatle songs in this one but more importantly I love the way you get the reader around to thinking about his place in regards to God. This is a very powerful piece of writing. I really enjoyed reading it.

Aside from a few technical errors which I listed below, this is a solid piece of writing.

First paragraph:

Imaging yourself lying on your back on a mound in a big clearing on top of a mountain.
Change Imaging to Imagine

Stars abound showing their brilliant light, even more so because your away from the lights of cities, and towns.

Change the word your to you're and you don't need a comma after cities.

Take a breath and imagine again, further expanding your mind. You will see even further.
Change the word further in the sentence,You will see even further... to farther
Time as know by you is meaningless, no days, hours, or even years. Forever is a time.
Change the word know to known

Second paragraph:

Only logical thing is that you are here and now, correct?
I would add the word The to the beginning of this sentence.


Third paragraph:

So all you can really experience by seeing, is the past. You are living in the here and now. Your mind is making the future though your thoughts, imagination, hope, etc. So your mind lives in the future by ideas, or in the past from your memories. So if your mind is making a future for you that has not happened yet, aren't you in control of what happens to you in the future? So then why can't you create whatever you want the future to be? Starting with a thought, an idea, a vision? And because of this the universe, time, and space must follow what you create, correct? So what does that make you? What have you become? A creator? I am (another name for God) has said "You will know that you are the sons (children) of God."


Change the word though in the second sentence to through.

Even though you are using deductive reasoning throughout this paragraph, the word, so, is being used excessively. It is also a connecting word, as are the words, or, nor,but, and my personal favorite and. They should not be used to start sentences although the temptation to do so is great. I find myself doing this all the time. The sentneces are strong and do not loose their reasoning by removing the word so.





Sixth paragraph:

For those who have doubt. Imagine yourself as a piece of gold.
Change doubt to doubts, then remove the period between the two sentences, make it a comma and make this all one sentence.
You could be the smallest particle only seen under a microscope.
I suggest changing the sentnece a bit: You could be the smallest particle that can only be seen under a microscope.

You could be an Olympic gold metal, showing you where the best of the best. Or you could be a wedding band, showing the love of two special people becoming one.
I would make this one sentence.


Rating:

I rated this a 4.0 because it hooks the reader in gets him to think deeply about the subject matter. Some techinical adjustments need to be made, otherwise you have a great write here!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My rating:

I gave this poem a 3.5 poem only because I feel it could be more developed. It is on cusp f being something totally breathtaking, it just needs a little push. Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **