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Since this is a book and can only be reviewed once, I am reviewing both
entries in this review. ![Bigsmile *Bigsmile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/bigsmile.png)
"Arising from the Ashes" ![](https://shop.Writing.Com/nw.gif)
I really like the title of this entry. Not only does it work well with the happenings of this entry, but, at first glance, it can mean anything. I always have a weak spot for titles that fit without giving the story away.
This entry is well written and a great foundation for a story that could go a million ways. It really left me wanting more, which is wonderful, since this is a chaptered story.
There were, however, a few things that popped into my head while reading:
Paragraph 4: ...but a blueish starburst... This, I think, is really a
matter of preference, but using words like "blueish" may deter readers from
reading further into the story. Since this is not from a character's point of
view, readers want to know the facts. You, as the writer, should not sound
like you are guessing about things. (I'm sorry, I cannot think of a way to
explain what I'm saying. lol.... My brain isn't quite functioning yet.... lol...)
Basically, I would just suggest to say light or bare-noticeable blue starburst...
that way, your reader is able to get a good image, rahter than guessing what
they are supposed to see. You have to make us see everything as you see it...
Paragraph 5: Each sample...and marks the names neatly. Using the
word 'names' makes is seem like there is more than one name per sample.
Paragraphs 6/7: No line skipped between paragraphs.
Paragraph 8: You begin this paragraph talking about Corsyth, but then
switch to using feminine pronouns, suggesting Chrysalis, but it ends up
seeming like Corsyth has become female. Perhaps just tweak this a bit or
add Chrysalis's name somewhere so the reader knows who you are talkinng
about.
...large circle marble tables... This could be another matter of
preference, but, when I reread this sentence with circular, it seemed to
flow a little better.
Paragraph 9: ...meal and began filling plates. begin
Paragraph 16: Its magics have... The word 'magics' really stood
out to me. I was expecting powers or magical powers. For whatever reason,
it just stood out. lol.
Paragraph 25: ...and were weaving... are
...for wo which was born... to / who was born? There seems to
be a missing word in this sentence. Also, in the same sentence, it sounds like
the form runs to the lake, rather than she running to the lake. Perhaps just
add a comma after 'born' to clarify.
Paragraph 28: ...held and sung out...
Paragraph 31: who pawing the ground... missing word.
Paragraph 34: ...still anxious, who is pawing... I don't think that you
need the 'who is' here. Because of the placement, it makes it read like
anxious is pawing...
All in all, this entry is great! You give a good introduction to the characters, as well as giving your reader a great glimpse into what is going on! Great job!
"Trail to Tomorrow" ![](https://shop.Writing.Com/nw.gif)
There really isn't much that I can say here. I, again, really love the title, and the entry is well-written with no typo's or anything that stood out to me. I was, however, disappointed, to see how short it is. I definitely wanted more, and am still left wanting to know what happens, since this entry doesn't really tell anything.
The Whole Picture:
So far, this is a great foundation to the story! I really can't wait to see where you take this! You do a wonderful job of hooking your reader! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. The only suggestion I have would be to change the title of the book, but that is either another matter of opinion, especially since it could actually be a temporary one. lol.
Great job, so far! I really want to know where this goes!!
Sapphire
" Invalid Item" ![](https://shop.Writing.Com/nw.gif)
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