This poem made me chuckle, which I expect is what you intended. Very Seussical in nature with its repetition of words, though I did begin to feel the technique was used with a little too much frequency the longer I read. It is useful, but when used too often it begins to feel less magical in my humble opinion and detract from the enjoyment of the poem itself. I would look for those repetitions and see if they cannot be altered.
A few lines felt off-kilter as I read, and I've included them here so you can see where I mentally stumbled over the rhythm:
L3- And now I’m so sad because I think I may
L7- The biggest big place that I ever had seen.
L23 & 24- "Don't cross... just the right chair" [don't want to spoil the poem with my public review!]
L49- I replaced the old chair that my mom used to have
A few lines at the end had awkward phrasing that I struggled with as well:
L44- "So comfy this chair..."
L46- I'd still be all well
While the premise is entertaining, I think the poem could benefit with stretching the first stanza into at least two. I would have liked to know more about what caused the event leading to their chair hunt. How accidental was it? Was the speaker being careless? Were the jumping on the chair while painting or had the merely stumbled and splashed the paint by sheer bad luck? This might have also helped with my temporary confusion when I realized the speaker was a child at the end (which I could have suspected and eventually aided by illustrations, but sometimes we readers like to be spoon-fed)
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I could imagine reading it to my first graders if it were to be turned into a book with pictures and see them enjoying it.
Greetings! I found your piece through random review.
Having not read the piece this is meant to accompany, my review will be based on this piece alone.
The first thing I noticed opening this piece is the spacing. A large paragraph will often deter an interested reader, so I encourage you to use paragraph and line breaks.
My second note is grammar. Your use of punctuation, especially commas, is often confusing. For example, the opening line does not require a comma after "man". You also switch between past and present tense in the first handful of sentences. Also, avoid run-on sentences (looking at the 2nd line as I suggest this).
It is a very short piece and, having not read the companion piece, it feels unfinished with its current ending.
It is an interesting idea with "the mouse" causing an apocalyptic setting. I'm not certain I can watch those movies the same way anymore. I'll have to find time to read the next piece so I can find out just what they did.
Forewarning, I am not a poetry enthusiast, so many of my thoughts are coming from an "average reader".
I enjoyed many of the images you created. The formal language was initially daunting and I confess requiring multiple readthroughs to understand it in its entirety. (The 12th line still makes me scratch my head and try to understand what you are trying to get across, but the rest I grasped).
The only real trouble I found was rhyme and meter. As I read through, even reading out loud, it was difficult to find a cadence to fit. The rhyme scheme feels sporadic and, as a reader, I found it a bit jarring. When I wrote it down I found the pattern but due to the visual presentation of the poem it is difficult to find and appreciate. Separating the stanzas into their rhyme groups would also create a nice visual and make it easier for other readers to read without the jarring feeling one gets when a rhyme is expected and not found (as was the case in my read through when I opened with a rhyming couplet and did not find a rhyme in line 4, for example).
Overall, the more I read the more I appreciated the detail in the piece. Best of luck and write on!
What an enjoyable read! I enjoyed the growth of the character from Billy to William and the clever way you described things and moved the story forward. With so much of it being an about-the-past story, I was looking carefully for overuse of words like "was" and "had", but you managed to tell this tale with a variety of action words to move things along. Brava!
As always, even the most masterful of tales could draw some criticism, so I shall offer a few points that I personally felt could be improved. Naturally, this is merely my opinion, so do with it what you will:
*The opening paragraphs were a delight to read through as far as descriptions go, but I fear I stumbled over parts of it. The transition from the first to the second paragraph felt stilted.
*In the third paragraph, the third sentence ("The tall masts...") feels like a fragment to me. Perhaps altering your punctuation choices in the second and third sentence might fix that?
I noticed no glaring spelling errors, so that is always a welcome delight. I fumble over my own fingers often enough to know how easily they slip into one's writing.
Overall, I was impressed with the piece. You definitely have a talent with prose. Write on!
A very unique poem, and very nicely written. I liked the structure you used. I always enjoy poems that don't follow the usual rhyme scheme and structure. I hope to see more from you soon. And welcome to Writing.Com!
You ask for constructive feedback, but I have none to give. This beginning is absolutely marvelous and betrays the talent you have in writing! You intertwine emotion and description and action so flawlessly. Absolutely wonderful writing. I hope to see more very soon.
*dabs at a tear* Beautifully written. I don't know what makes a storoem a storoem, but I do know what make a poem I like a poem I like, and this piece has it.
Aren't kids the greatest? I'm only nineteen, so I haven't had my own experiences of such, but I work with preschoolers, and I've gotten to know their charms.
My first comment on the writing of this piece would be to change all numbers to the written form of the number (ex: change "4" to "four"). I would also suggest taking out the first line "This is about me learning to be a mom" and simply conveying this entire line through the substance of your piece.
"When I got perg. with the twins..." Change the "perg." to pregnant. "...he always told me "mommy 2 babies" this was before I knew I was having twins" Change: "...he always told me "Mommy, two babies"; This was before..."
May angels watch over you. A powerful message. Every line of this was filled with this very same emotion.
The only complaint I have is the rhythm of the piece. It seemed all over the place, and in a poem like this, I wouldn't mind, but the flow was disrupted. Sometimes, I felt the stress on the last syllable of each line, while in others the stress was on the syllable before last. But, this might be just how I read it, and I can't offer any suggestions on how to fix it without changing the whole poem, since the poem relies so much on the ABAB rhyme scheme.
Still, I congratulate you on being able to do the ABAB rhyme scheme without it feeling forced (aka you only wrote the line cuz it rhymed with another one). Nicely done.
This piece had a certain charm to it. I'll admit, I was a bit confused as to the speaker's sudden memories of this man "Diego"? However, the wording you used, and the descriptions of some things just took my breath away. I especially loved the way the speaker flashed over some memories of this "Diego". And your use of oil paints to help describe the scenery. Also, the part with the fish getting away. Absolutely wonderful. Really, except for my own confusion about who "Diego" was, I found this masterfully written.
I liked your argument, for the most part. The only thing I can complain about is that you stress that the answer depends on the definition of sound, then conclude that it does make a sound whether nobody is around to hear it or not, then offer no real support for your conclusion! Though, you offer great support as to why the question is so unanswerable as it is. I think you need to completely cut out one side and argue as if there is no other side. Ya know? Still, you did a great job in explaining why the dilemna is the way it is. Write on.
I enjoyed reading your poem. I thought it was a very sweet piece of wishing for someone to love you. There was no real structure or rhyme scheme for this it seemed, except for the repetition of three lined stanzas. While this didn't detract from the poem, it has given it an almost rough draft feel, at least to me. Still, it was an enjoyable read. Write on!
A very patriotic piece! I must admit, I was slightly confused at your shifting voice. At one moment you were speaking in first person, then second, then first again. At times the rhythm is off, usually with too many syllables crammed into it, such as in lines six, sixteen, and the last two lines.
A few comments: In line twenty, you say "though you are dead". Who is dead? And who is speaking in this part? In line twenty-three "Sharing with you my heart, soul". I suggest making it "my heart, my soul". But this is only a suggestion.
I must say, I don't know how to review this unrhythmed, unrhyming poetry properly, so I usually just go with my gut feelings. And my gut feeling says I like this one.
You said "please let me know if the form is too scrambled". I think, it is, but I think the feeling of scrambledness was also due to the fact that at some points you don't have that extra space between paragraphs. I wish I could suggest how to fix it.
Either way, this is a touching story, and I enjoyed reading it.
What a sweet poem! I have one suggestion, and it really is only one suggestion. As I was reading, I felt the last line was a little off, and perhaps changing "through" to "throughout"...? Really, though, it might be just the way I read it that made me hiccup at that spot.
This piece was very well written, in my humble opinion. It seemed a bit scattered, in places, but I can't seem to put my finger on exactly where. Still, a nice piece.
My favorite line: "It is a personal joke. Nobody else is laughing though." Had me giggling. And "Now I get to be that child for 10% less." Love it!
One quick comment: I’m sure it would read something like this; I think a colon, not a semicolon, would be more appropriate at the end of this.
An excerpt, a very chilling excerpt. It makes me curious as to what happened before and after. One quick comment:
...and the coolness of a white tiled room With eyes closed, I can't see how the narrator would know the room was white. I can understand the coolness, but a yellow, or blue or red tiled room would be just as cool.
A charming start. You introduce the characters and what appears to be the main plot instantly. A few comments I'd like to make:
I would suggest describing this Queen of Sed. Is she beautiful? Is she old, young? Is she tall, short? I assume her presence is impressive, but I'd like to have verification as I read. What is so wrong with her brother being married to a Beruskey? Elaborate on that. Could I suggest elaborating on the scene where she explodes. Perhaps have her listening to the whisperings, slowly growing angrier at the thought of another war, and then exploding? Elaborate on how she went about to win the wars and earn the respect.
In case you haven't guessed, the key word here is elaborate. Nonetheless a very good start. The opening paragraph, line actually, certainly caught my attention. Very nicely done.
A sweet dedication. Everything you spoke about love it too true. The only problem I see with this piece is that the rhythm seems to jump all over the place, disrupting the flow of it. I would suggest going through the tedious task out counting out beats and changing words around for a more steady rhythm. I would also suggest adding punctuation to avoid the look of run-ons between lines. My favorite lines had to be "I gave you my heart / Now I'll give you forever". Loved that! Write on!
This piece is certainly unique! I don't think I've ever read anything told this way before. I found it a bit difficult to follow, but that's because I don't know cars all that well, I guess, LoL. This piece could use some formatting work, indentations in front of paragraphs and the like. And the last part, I'm afraid was lost on me. I've drawn my own conclusions, but I'm afraid to voice them because I'm not entirely sure they're correct. Perhaps clarify in the very end. Write on!
This is a humorous narration of the ultimate procrastinator. I found myself chuckling at some of the similarities in my own essay-writing agenda. The one suggestion I have for you is in the very beginning. You speak in third person and abruptly change to first person. While I understand this is most likely on purpose, my opinion is that it detracts from the narration quality of the essay.
Viv, I found this very nicely organized and carried out. This is a great piece for anyone that is struggling to understand what people mean when they review their poetry. As a writer, I have had my fair share of confusing poetry terms thrown at me. Very nicely done!
You asked for reviewers to focus on the character, which I intend to do. However, I'll be keeping an eye out for typos and such, because no piece should have any!
His almost aplogetic apologetic bearing was also evident in the softness of his speech as he addressed his actors. Burke, remember that you're a farily fairly well-off graphic designer it wasn't his fault they really weren't that good You have an extra "enter" after really.
And that's really it as far as typos. Now, onto the character. Here's my impression of John: A down-on-his-luck director, hoping to find a break and put his "baby" out there for others to see. He's not the most stubborn of men, and it is quiet obvious he does not enjoy doing this bank commercial. He appreciates hardwork and dedication, and dislikes people who think they're something they're not (i.e. a "good" actor, or someone of more importance than they are).
However, John is fairly patient on the outside. Inside, he gets frustrated, but he handles it well and keeps calm to get the job done (no matter how much he might hate it). He doesn't care for wowing anyone with this commercial, just getting the job done and getting his check so he can focus on what he wants to do.
In a short amount of time, you gave me a pretty good glimpse into John's character. I think you achieved what you wanted to.
A rather silly story. Of course there's a Monster Island. Wonder why nobody else thought it up before. Where else would all those silly monsters go? LoL. But, on a more serious note, a few comments and suggestions about your story:
I know I get told this alot, and I'm going to tell you: "Show, don't tell". This story would be so enjoyable if you have more dialogue and actual scenes, instead of just a general description. I thought the long narration took a lot away from this story, which has a lot of potential. Keep your tense regular. Sometimes you speak in past tense, other times in present tense, and sometimes you intermix the two! Pick one and stick to it like glue! I just have to complain, again, about how much potential you have with this story. A monster vacation island! How fun that could be! Yet you seemed to rush through it! Go into DETAILS. What does the island look like? Why does the main character return to the vacation spot all the time, what's so great about it? Is it foresty, tropical, what? Details, my dear, go crazy with the details and the dialogue! Oh, I missed the dialogue... This story could be smashing if only it had dialogue and details! The fight scene: once again, details, dialogue. Have the vampires and werewolves arguing, shouting insults, throwing punches. What does your main character do during the fight? Jump right in? Hesitate then fight? Or Try to break it up? And one last time, I'd like to stress that this idea has so much potential, if only you would expand it! Write on!
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I'll have to find time to read the next piece so I can find out just what they did.
"When I got perg. with the twins..." Change the "perg." to pregnant.