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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/savegunpowder
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99 Public Reviews Given
99 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a tough grader, but I don't neglect good things when I see them. I'll be considering two things when I review your piece. 1) Form. How is the pacing? Are you going for a conventional story structure, and if so, is that structure in place? Did the story resolve itself in a satisfying way, or is it an anticlimax? I generally don't go into spelling/grammar unless it's a major issue. 2) Content. This is where it gets tricky and subjective. Sometimes I'll give an objectively bad piece a good rating because it captured the spirit of something I'm interested in – or maybe it grabbed me in another way. If your story is beautifully written but low-stakes, trivial, or out of touch (I'm one of those jazz cigarette-crazed millennials you've heard so much about) the best you're getting is a 4.0.
I'm good at...
I'm a history nerd, so I'm good at noticing details in period pieces. "They wouldn't have used that word in 1757," etc. I'm also a filmmaker, so I'm good at thinking visually.
Favorite Genres
Historical fiction, sci-fi, horror, fantasy, adventure
Public Reviews
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1
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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A wonderful piece. I have no suggestions as far as content. Might sound cheesy, but as an American this resonated deeply with me. I was younger than you in 2001, but I still remember the feelings of uncertainty and paranoia in the aftermath of that attack... you capture those feelings excellently. Well done.

A couple suggestions as far as form goes:

TV should be capitalized.

No need to put 'they' in quotations.

"She pulled a Kleenex from, who knows where..." you don't need that comma.

"Hooah" might read better italicized, or with an exclamation point.

"Fall Out!" No need for "out" to be capitalized.

Use "double quotes" instead of 'single quotes' unless you're in England or someone is quoting someone else in dialogue.

Overall, great job.


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Review of Etched in Stone  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You've built a creative fantasy world with a lot going on. Maybe too much.

I feel like there are three stories in here. One is about a mage trying to bring dragons back to life. Another is about a blood feud with a murderous bishop. And lastly, a story about an amulet that reveals all the good or evil deeds a person has done in their lives. In my opinion, you don't focus on any of these aspects closely enough to flesh them out in a satisfying way.

Cascade's relationship with the dragon seems to be the heart of the tale, but I think it's actually the weakest part. First off, it's a trope we've seen before in fantasy and it's kind of overdone. More importantly, though, I didn't feel as emotionally invested as I should have. The dragon just seemed like a means to an end for Cascade, and the strong attachment he develops to the dragon (and the one she develops to him) come out of left field and don't seem entirely justified.

The subplot with the bishop is a little more interesting, but the trouble here is that Quantic is just a huge irredeemable asshole. He lacks depth. I'd be more interested if we saw where he was coming from - maybe he has good reasons to keep the amulet out of the wrong hands. Or at the very least, let us revel in his whacky, over the top evil antics i.e. Emperor Palpatine in Star Wars.

The amulet was my favorite part of the story because of the implications of such a plot device. You could go almost anywhere with that concept, but it was underused. What if Cascade discovers a horrible truth about somebody once getting the amulet? Or maybe he sees a bunch of white orbs around Quantric and realizes that his hatred of the bishop was based purely on his own biases and has clouded his judgment?

All that said, I applaud you for your sincerity and whimsy, which is evident from your writing. It's just not the story I would have written, or wanted to read. Thank you, and write on!


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Review of The Crystal Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Pretty good.

Solid horror premise. Continues with your theme of arrogant rich men coming to unsavory ends.

Lots of typos in this one, and the prose didn't flow quite as well as it did in your other story. I'd do an extensive revision with spelling, grammar and clarity in mind.

Also, gotta say, you come up with some very interesting names for your characters.


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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Nicely done.

The elegance of the prose was this story's best quality, I think. The opening nightmare and the murder scene were done especially well. You have a real talent for stringing words together.

A couple suggestions:

"...and twisted until there was a crisp snap, and light filled the room." might work better as "...and twisted until there was a crisp snap. Light filled the room."

"The fear abate." Shouldn't that be "abated"?

Dormond talking to himself was fine at first but strained my suspension of disbelief as it went on. Maybe change that to him thinking in italics?

Would the CEO of a company with only two thousand employees be able to afford a Manhattan penthouse?

The transition to him finding the bloody gown was a little clunky and sudden. Maybe some foreshadowing would help smooth that out. Something like, "If there's one thing that Alec had learned after building a successful company out of nothing, it was that dreams really can come true."

Thanks for the read. If you're interested in reviewing a story of mine, I'm always looking for feedback on a long three-part novella I wrote, "The Halloween Event" Open in new Window., but if that's too daunting, I'd love to know what you think of "Inhuman" Open in new Window..


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Review of Celestial  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Hi Nikki, I'm reviewing this as per your request.

You told me you need this to be "good enough to get noticed." If I could give you some advice: if you're new to writing, or pursuing a creative career in general, you've got to actively and aggressively market yourself. Don't wait for someone to notice you, because it won't happen, certainly not here on WDC.

This is a unique fantasy world you've created. I thought that your protagonist's powers and history were probably the best part of the story.

Sometimes I had to read a paragraph two or three times to get what was going on - sometimes I never exactly caught what you were going for. The piece overall is muddled and unclear and there's no discernible story structure.

Grammar and formatting is a huge problem here. You will need to go back and do extensive revisions with that in mind. In fact, that's where I would start.

Thank you for the read!


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Review of Sands of Eternity  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked this a lot! The title and the intro hooked me.

Your descriptions of the wispdragon were very good – not overelaborate, but just enough to plant a firm image in my head. I appreciated the lesbian love story in a fantasy setting. It's something you don't see every day. The love story was also well handled. Sincere, believable, and providing a strong objective for our main character.

No grammar notes (which is incredibly refreshing) and I thought it was very well-written overall.

I have a couple of nitpicks about the story. The line "What do your dragon eyes see?" reminded me of Aragorn's line in LOTR, "Legolas! What do your elf eyes see?" and for some reason that makes me laugh. I'd change that line up a bit ... you don't want your readers thinking about Orlando Bloom's dreamy blue eyes when they should be thinking about Kaye's quest.

I didn't love the scene with Jatson. First off (and this is a VERY nerdy nitpick) historically knights did not use bows. They thought of ranged killing as cowardly. However, you may be going for a Russian-type fantasy setting because of your numerous references to "steppes." If that's the case, ignore this note, since Eastern Europeans/North Asians were big on missile cavalry.

Second off, you fall into the "long conversation in the midst of a big battle" trope. Why didn't an enemy soldier come up to Jatson and cut his head off while he was prone on his knees? Kaye could have been struck by a stray arrow, or crushed by a falling wispdragon in a freak accident. I just don't believe that our characters would be having this chivalric exchange in the middle of a huge, brutal, hand-to-hand battle. Perhaps there's a better way for Kaye to get this information out of Jatson without suspending disbelief.

One last thing. Why does Kaye release Zigo from her service? She doesn't know that she will find the hourglass and travel to a new plane of existence. For all she knows at the time, the gleam in the white sands could be a broken beer bottle. How would she get home then? Seems like the land of white sands is pretty far away from home. Would she go back to Zigo and say, "Wake up, buddy, I spoke too soon, I actually need a ride back to my apartment."

That last bit was a little cheeky of course, but I really did enjoy this very much, and would love to read more of your work. Any particular story you'd recommend, or want reviewed?


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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First off, I see you're relatively new to WDC. Welcome to the neighborhood. Feel free to knock if you need to borrow a cup of milk or anything.

I enjoyed this story. Good work!

Great use of the first person perspective. The world of the story was creative and original. The main strength of the piece, I think, was how you doled out pertinent information throughout. The pitfall of flash fiction is that often, the characters don't change, there's no discernible arc, and very little happens. So pretty much the opposite of your story! I commend you for that.

I assume this is a first draft? The prose gets a little clunky at times, and I'd keep an eye out for that in your revisions. There are also a couple of grammatical mistakes, such as "I'm a real flesh and blood human, but for marketing, reasons advertised as AI." You don't need that comma after "marketing."

Thanks for the read! Definitely stimulated my imagination.

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. Summer Cookout Raid!
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Review of Cockroach Cameo  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Really good!

The story drew me in, like few WDC stories have recently. The premise is original and fun. I hate cockroaches, and I found your protagonist endearing.

If I could change anything, it would be the very last paragraph ... the ending is too abrupt, and the last sentence in particular is clunky. It reads like you didn't know how to end the story, so you went with the first thing that came to mind.

A small nitpick, but you refer to "real-sounding" dialogue ... I think there is a better word to describe this. Truthful dialogue, perhaps?

Thanks for the read!


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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey, reviewing this as per your request. Sorry I let the deadline slip AGAIN, no need to reward me those GPs ... I feel bad for not reading it sooner.

I liked it. You write well, with a strong sense of your main character's voice.

In terms of content, I found it lacked tension until the end. I kept expecting Mike's night to go horribly wrong, and for him to end up in a shootout or something, and was disappointed when he didn't. Even at the end, when Mike's predicament in the airplane bathroom is revealed, you tell the reader it is suspenseful without showing it. That oughta be the other way around.

In terms of form, it could be improved in terms of spelling, grammar, and paragraph structure. Make new paragraphs every time someone starts speaking ... the whole story will read much more smoothly. There are numerous grammatical errors that you should go back and fix. There are also some repetitious sentences which took me out of the story. They could be phrased better. Try reading the story aloud to yourself and you'll see what I mean.

Also, your Britishness is showing – gangsters and NYPD officers don't use words like "holiday" and "taking the piss."

Thanks for the read!


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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hello, Mr./Ms. Butt. I am reviewing this as per your request.

Unfortunately, I have nothing good to say about this piece. It's clunky, it commits the crime of using far too many ten-dollar words for no reason, it's melodramatic, and worst of all, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I wish I had constructive suggestions for you, but to be honest I am at a loss. This seems like a very personal journal entry that should never have made its way to the Internet – maybe, in that sense, my low rating is unfair.

I don't mean to discourage you, but I must give my honest opinion. Please keep writing. There is probably an audience out there for you – I'm just not in it.


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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
A concise, fascinating story with a clear three act structure despite its ultra-short length. I liked it a lot, but I'm only giving 3.5 stars because of some grammar/syntax stuff. Here are my suggestions and edits, which are in red.

Once upon a time there was a plague doctor in Florence who wore a chiselled beak-shaped mask. Every day, he roamed the cobblestone streets visiting anyone struck by the Black Death who had not yet fled the city. Rich, poor, farmers, nobles; all were in equal despair. One day, he noticed that some houses remained untouched, a sanctuary from the Great Dying. While others regurgitated residents like bad food. So decided to do what no other doctor had done before him: visit the healthy in hope to observe any clue as to why one household could survive while another was doomed. Until finally, he realized, cats lived in all the healthy homes of Florence. A new pied piper of Hamelin was born.


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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
5 stars for the New Orleans reference.

No seriously, it's a great little piece.


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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
So I'm supposed to be reviewing newbies right now as part of the Power Reviewers Raid... and here I am reviewing something written 14 years ago. Go figure.

I thought this was entertaining. It's simple, well written, swashbuckling fun. Doesn't take itself too seriously. I laughed a bit when the farmer offered up his daughters like it was nothing. Different times.


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Review of Life on Mars  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
A quick little story, kind of like a single frame out of a comic book. Is this part of a larger story? Let me know, I will revise this review if I had more context.

It's a cool concept, but my personal preference would be to have a little more story. Even this "quick cut" short fiction should have a beginning, middle and end. It would work better with some sort of revelation, or twist at the end.


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Review of Dreamer  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed this short little tale very much. It's refreshing to see a well-researched period piece in WDC's "History" Genre page, instead of stuff that should have really been put under Fantasy. You chose a fascinating subject ... I've read tons of nonfiction anecdotes about Anglicized Indians, but it's rarely tackled in books or movies. Good stuff.

My only note is about dialogue. Be careful with Thomas's use of flowery thous and thees. You are probably aware that at the time your story takes place, almost nobody spoke like that... those words were used in English primarily in the 16th and 17th centuries. I assume you added the affectation to make Thomas seem flamboyant, and that's fine.

You sort of dip in and out of it, which also may have been intentional, but putting that kind of language in without making absolutely sure you're using these arcane words correctly can be read as laziness. For example, the idea behind the line "that Quaker school thou had us start" wouldn't be expressed that way in that dialect.

Anyway, really enjoyed it. Would love to read some of your other work.


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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once upon a time there was a cat. Everyday, he licked himself on the windowsill overlooking the lake. One day, his human left the window open. Because of that, he leapt into the yard. Until finally, he saw a moose.
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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
First off, great title.

I liked this story. Roman Britain is an appropriate setting for a Western, and that genre pairing is original and fun. Your knowledge of that period is evident.

I'm not a huge fan of the ending. I also felt like I'd been robbed of an exciting climax.

This is just my personal preference, so you should probably disregard it - but the Western diction threw me off, the "ain't" and "comin' and leavin'" type stuff. The pessimistic tone, Leone-esque backwoods town and mercenary ambitions of the characters are more than enough to convey the tone you want.

Only one typo, you describe the horses as "snorting beats."

Thanks for sharing, and write on!
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Review of The Devil's Spawn  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Great work! I could definitely imagine this as a longer work, or even as a horror film. A couple of issues I had:

So did Mrs. Parker have a fling with Satan? Is that why Tom is the devil's spawn? Is he possessed? It was a little unclear, but if ambiguity was your intention then right on.

I think some of these rhymes were a bit of a stretch. Maybe in your next draft you could write a version where you don't worry so much about the rhymes.

As far as making it "perfect" there's no such thing! If you set out to write a perfect story or poem you'll fail, because perfect simply doesn't exist, and if it did, it would be totally subjective. Just tell the story that you want to tell.
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Review of The First Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Great story. There's a lot of talent in this piece, I can tell. You take us smoothly on the girl's ride from apprehension to ecstasy to heartbreak. I liked the way you handled the sex – too often sex scenes can just seem like erotica, or some writer's fantasy that oughta be confined to a diary. But you understand the mechanics of this relationship and there's an emotional core to the sexuality.

I also like the ominous way you use "she" (the other girl in the boy's life). We don't need to know her name, or her backstory, or what she had for lunch last tuesday. "She" is enough, and a great example of less is more.

What kills you is your grammar and form. In your next revision, you've gotta go back and see to that. I know spell-check can be a pain in the ass, but it notices bad grammar too, and sometimes helps to get you to noticed things you might have overlooked while editing. For example, you write "O god" and God oughta be capitalized, etc.

One thing that threw me off:

‘Make me a drink, bitch’
I jumped, then blushed at myself for being so pathetic.

Whaaat? I don't know if your little brother typed this in before you hit "save and view" but this guy orders your main character to make her drinks, bitch, and he's supposed to be the love of her life? If I said that to my girlfriend she'd smack me. And he says it "smoothy"? I'm sorry but I honestly can't imagine a scenario where "Make me a drink, bitch" is smooth. You'd do well to cut the whole bitch bit. It gives nothing to your story and takes away from the power of the second half.

You write well, and this is an engaging and heartbreaking story. I think through revision and nitpicking, you can make a good story into a great one.

I hope my review helped and believe me when I say that from this, I can tell you're a natural storyteller.
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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Awesome. Really, first rate work. I'd love to read more. The opening is my favorite part. You mix action with exposition in an engaging way. When I read the proposal, I thought "Oh, great. A Sookie Stackhouse ripoff," but the similarities end at the fact that your main character is a telepathic woman. It's dark, edgy, and very well written.

One of the things I wasn't so hot about were the thoughts that Evelyn hears. For example, "Please. I don’t want to die," sounds a little too well-formed to be in a stream of consciousness (and please forgive me, this is just the sort of obnoxious comment I hate getting... I know you know what you're doing, but bear with me). The words that run through people's heads aren't necessarily grammatically correct. Especially not when we're terrified, like Chloe is here. If my life was in danger, my mind would probably be running more along these lines: "oh god please no oh f*** oh s*** don't let him please god get away bastard f***ing i'll fight til i die you bastard"

One more thing. I love your fast-paced beginning, and the sexually tense dialogue between the two women that follows, but I think there needs to be a breather in between these scenes. Where we get to know a little but more about the characters, especially Evelyn. By the time the chapter ends, I know that Evelyn a) is telepathic. b) goes to college. c) has got guts. d) works as an assistant teacher. e) isn't very popular. But I'm not sure about who she really is – where she came from, what she wants, what she'll do when she gets what she wants, etc. This might be extraneous, and for all I know you may be exploring it in a chapter I haven't seen yet, but in any case I think it's missing.

Anyway, hope my feedback was helpful. It's a great piece, truly, one of the best I've come across lately on WDC. I'd very much like to see more.
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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
you have a way with words and a knack for imagery. the relationships, especially between Eve and the serpent, were clear and dynamic. the buried-alive sequence was chilling.

i suppose the fundamental problem with this piece is the dialogue. for example, the serpent says, “How could one reside amongst the branches of the tree of knowledge, dining upon its fruit each day and not derive great benefit?” this sentence is too perfect, too grammatically exact. you could say the snake, as a great tempter, speaks in a deceptively suave way, but Eve's and the narrator's dialogue is much the same. People don't talk like that. they say "uh" and have poor diction, and stumble over their words. obviously, to change the dialogue you'll have to change the whole tone of the piece, but it could use the change.
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Review of Freddy's letter  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
thanks for sharing. little bighorn has always been a battle that interests me, but i've never thought of it from benteen's perspective. i admit i sometimes think harshly of the old boy, since he held back from helping custer (though autie was no angel himself).
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Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
a great little story. what made it scary was your foreword! i have no idea if little boston truly does have a vampire cemetery, but this bit

"But for God’s sake, not at night. Please, never be anywhere near the place after dark."

did it all for me. the foreword was an amazing touch, truly. makes me wish i had thought of it...

another great part was,

"!!!not right go back leave GET OUT!!!"

it was very truthful. too often i see horror pieces where people have, "There's something eerie about this house, Mr. Onedimensional thought." of course, it's not how human beings think, especially when scared. it's much more of a great jumble of primal, animalistic instinct.

i don't know much about texas, but your vampire folklore was dead on.

i think you can cut some things. the big battle between the vampires and ghosts (at least, thats what i thought it was) kinda took me by surprise and was generally unnecessary.

thanks for sharing!
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Review of November Curtains  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
you have a way with words, my friend, and a talent for horror. a couple of things:

November Curtains reminds me a lot of a hitchcock movie... the subtle way you build suspense works very well... i got a weird sense that it was an allegory for addiction.

it also reminds me of Lovecraft's stories. in my book, this isn't a compliment. nobody loves the gothic genre as much as i do, but your vocabulary is so enormous, your metaphors so eloquent, and your paragraphs so dense... in short, the work is inaccessible, and there are whole bits where i really had no idea what was going on. your dialogue is much better than Lovecraft's, however. i say, cut it down, dude, and shorten your sentences.

also, check your history. The 19th century was not the colonial period, even the early days of it. i'm not sure where you put stoneshire on the map... i'm from massachusetts, and there is undeniably a puritan english influence in our names and culture, but i don't think i've ever heard a town name as snobby as "stoneshire".

so, a couple of suggestions. think on it. all in all, snobby but good.
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Review of Butcher Run  Open in new Window.
Review by Leif the Lucky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
it's pretty good, but your pacing is off and you need to check your strunk & white.
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