Gosh, you and I could be the same person! I feel the same way! Of course, you just wrote it down with better language and a snappy rhyme
Keep up the good work!
I totally understand and agree with this! I always say that I am my own worst critic, I am so insecure about my writing!
These lines really struck me:
How I long to write in depth,
but my depth seems to have been elbowed out
by the sheer quantity of fluttering thoughts
I love how you say depth was "elbowed out," you put great words to the feeling! I try for depth and my mind races like that as well, and I could never quite put my finger on a way to describe it- but you have done it!
Keep up the good work!
I like this poem. I'm not so sure if it needs "a lot of work" as you say. Cleveland is not a city that I am familiar with, but I could still picture it as I read your poem.
One thing that could be fixed is in this line when you say:
"to us memories" into "memories to us."
Overall, I thought this poem was pretty good. Keep up the good work!
This was an interesting poem about a situation you would certainly not encounter every day. Yet, you have taken it and made it something more accessible and familiar.
From a writing standpoint, I am a bit confused as to why you used so many semicolons in the beginning and then switched to using regular periods. I tend to like the periods better, but that is just my opinion.
Overall, I liked this poem. It wasn't overdone or sparse, it was just right. Keep up the good work!
The term "celestial deli" is so great. I love the comparisons you have made here, there are so many details that were perfectly chosen, such as:
Green salad days of bright youth and beauty
and
mac and cheese moments, blue Kool-Aid parties
The last two lines are really strong, and I like how you have them separated so that they stand out even more.
There were two little things I noticed that could be fixed. When you say "slack, belly" I don't think the comma needs to be there. Also, "caviar's, what I favored" might be better as "caviar is what I favored." The other way looks a bit awkward.
Overall, I loved what you've done here. Keep up the good work!
I understand that Haikus are meant to involve nature, and you have done such in a quite a unique way. I have been late/missed lecture for several reasons, but yours is one of the best! You begin the haiku focused on the ducks, and I expected some statement at the end about the ducks themselves. Instead, you twisted the haiku into an ending with a pleasant surprise (or not so pleasant, if you didn't pass the class!) Overall, I thought this haiku was unique, and it made me smile
Keep up the good work!
This poem made me sigh. It is the honest truth, delivered in a simple poetic form. These two lines said so much in a few words:
Baseball, picnics, parades and celebrations,
eight more names added to the blood of a nation.
We have bar-b-ques and pool parties and remain ignorant on the day when there is a call to attention. Thank you for recognizing reality. Keep up the good work!
I really liked this poem. It made me think/rework my perspective, which is a good thing. Definitely not a mindless poem. I especially loved these lines:
Always apparent.
Apparently mine.
The two words are so close, yet say completely different things. The last four lines are so powerful. Sometimes I feel that way myself!
Overall, I thought this poem was very well done. Keep up the good work!
Wow! What a great haiku! For one of the shortest forms, you have said an incredible amount. Having the fresh lovers "romp" in "wise old leaves" that "cackle"... I don't think your choice of words could have been any better! The last line becomes even more powerful because of the short form. It states the message, short and sweet. Keep up the amazing work!
This poem dragged me in until the very end. I love your choice of word arrangement and to separate phrases into the following lines, it creates a good flow and keeps the reader interested in what is next. This isn't your typical wishy-washy simply rhymed love poem (gag). You've actually created some beautiful images with your comparisons. This is the kind of poem I've always wanted to have written about me. If you wrote it for a real person, I hope you shared it with them.
Keep up the good work!
What a clever subject! My cat is sitting next to me on the window right now, and I must say I've never attempted a sonnet about her- but you've done a wonderful job! You are very good at alliteration "wandering way," "wine and wince," "furry fickle," etc... The sounds keep the poem rolling.
There are a few spelling errors I believe, such as "whine" and "darkening" which can be fixed in a second.
Overall, this poem is imaginative and interesting. Keep up the good work!
This was very intriguing! The hourglass and the uncertainty of its purpose keeps the reader guessing and wanting more (it dragged me in!) Somewhere towards the end I started to think to myself that he was just dreaming, but at first everything seemed all too real. The symbol of an hourglass is very strong, you made a wise choice in using it.
Overall, I found this piece to be well-written and captivating. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for saying what is on my mind! You were really ambitious with the subject, and the rhyme scheme, but it comes together in a strong "pounding it home" kind of way.
I love your play on words, especially:
From Limpbowel, O’Rlie-to-me, and their ilk
I've never heard those before, and it made me laugh out loud.
You were brave to write this poem, and I respect writers who can stand up for their beliefs. Keep up the good work!
This poem made me get a little emotional, to be honest. My nana recently passed away, and I've been regretting not spending more time with her. I recently cleaned out the freezer and found some soup she had made me that I never got around to eating or thanking her for before she died. This poem, although simply written, has a great lesson to it that more people should pay attention to. I only wish I had seen this sooner.
Keep up the good work!
This poem is great! The rhyme is simple, but it does not take away from the message at all. Sometimes short rhymed verses seem forced or childlike, but you have managed to make it mature and meaningful. I especially loved the lines:
The wind will lick our lips
As the ocean makes demands
The personification of the wind and ocean really drew me in and allowed me to share the experience.
Overall, I think this is a beautiful poem. Keep up the good work!
This piece has incredible imagery! You aren't just saying "oh the rain, its so wet, I feel down," instead you give a VERY detailed look into someone's life. I don't think the amount of detail takes away from the piece at all, in no way is it distracting. Each little bit adds up to one great big picture. The simple mentioning of her spaghetti sauce put me right there with her!
However, I would try breaking the beginning into easier-to-read paragraphs (or spacing). I have pretty good eyes and I had a bit of a hard time finding the next line. Also, noise is misspelled somewhere near the beginning
Overall, I really enjoyed being a fly on the wall for this girl's rainy day. Keep up the good work!
This poem really captures a passing storm! From a writing standpoint, I would consider making the two lines "blazing, pounding cannons" exactly the same with the ...
It seems that with the double ellipsis you would get more of the rumbling rhythm of a storm. The period there is a bit sudden.
Overall, I thought this was a beautiful poem. Keep up the good work!
Just yesterday I read another poem on here about the Native American struggle, but the same point was not made as strongly in that poem as you have laid it out here. The rhyme does not take away from the poem at all, in fact I think it helps to build. I spend my summers out in the Western US and I have visited reservations and I was very upset by what I saw and learned there. Even in my hometown (which is rather urban) we used to have a buffalo farm... that has since been turned into million dollar houses. It's so sad. Thank you for calling attention to something that more people need to know about. Keep up the good work!
I can understand how this won awards and was featured for imagery! The first comment that came to my mind while reading it was "Wow, this has some incredible imagery!" I don't know why, but at the beginning of the poem the image of the ending of the movie "Fight Club" came to mind, with all sorts of destruction going around, but then you kept bringing it further back to a personal level. I don't think there is anything to say about the writing itself besides it being very well done! Keep up the good work!
This poem is so sweet! The rhyme makes it seem even gentler and doesn't take away from the message at all. I often wonder the same thing about couples that have been together so long, and I usually see them in everyday places just like the train. I like how simple this poem is, but how the observations say so much more about two random strangers. Keep up the good work!
I like Native American culture, and this is a very good poem expressing some of the feelings of their people. This poem beautifully captures their hurt. I spent some time out West and saw some reservations in my travels, and it is hard to believe that their people were once free to roam this land. I am glad someone is bothering to call attention to this, and I think your poem is quite excellent overall! I especially liked the lines:
Do you know how much he has wept?
Look upon the ocean's depth.
Keep up the good work!
This poem is simple, but says so much more. I love how you took the first stanza and reworked it at the end. This poem really shows the power play/give and take between two people in a relationship. This is shown really well with how her heart is originally breaking to see him in pain, but by the end it is breaking because of pain he caused. Nice poem, keep up the good work!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sbeser
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 3:17am on Nov 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
But you have made a very true observation there!
