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44 Public Reviews Given
55 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item: "The Senses of LoveOpen in new Window.

Hello Lexi Author IconMail Icon! This was a lovely poem!


Typos/Suggestions

*Paste* Since you used punctuation everywhere else, I would suggest putting end marks at the end of the lines.

What I liked/disliked

You have painted such a beautiful picture of the truest of loves - one that I am afraid is so difficult to find these days. I enjoyed the way that you referred to it as a tangible thing throughout the poem, finally ending it with what it is.

Overall

Overall, there are not many actual mistakes in the piece. I found some of the comparisons a little cliche, but for the most part it still managed to get the meaning across in a beautiful manner.

My Rating

*Flower3* 4.5 *Flower3*

*Balloon4* I hope you enjoyed the convention! Keep up the great work!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Teaching  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item: "TeachingOpen in new Window.

Hello Author IconMail Icon! This was a wonderful poem!

Typos/Suggestions

*Bullet* It’s wiping kids [kids'] noses
*Cut* Just one little typo!

What I liked/disliked

It is so true that there is much more to teaching than the basic concepts of reading and such. You accurately portrayed exactly what it is to be a teacher.

Overall

A well-written poem that flows smoothly. It is a little short, and could use a little cleaning around the edges to really make it sparkle, but it is still a very lovely work

My Rating

*Flower3* 4.5 *Flower3*

*Balloon4* I hope you had a great time at the convention! Keep up the great work!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item: "DreamsOpen in new Window.

Hello Sarah Rae Author IconMail Icon! Was this really your only try at freeverse? You did remarkably well!


Typos/Mistakes

*Bullet* You could reach out and touch it
*Cut* Unless I misread it, I believe the it should be them.

What I liked/disliked

I loved the theme of the poem, but I have a strange obsession with dreams. *Wink* The flow of the words was beautiful and, though it was a little short, you got the meaning across quite nicely.

Overall

I have never been able to write freeverse, so I greatly admire you for pulling it off so nicely! Excellent wording and, overall, just a well-written and beautiful poem.

My Rating

*Flower3* 4.5 *Flower3*

*Balloon1* I hope you enjoyed the convention! Keep up the great work...and write more freeverse! *hint hint* *Laugh*

~Elandra Tressinger

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4
Review of Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of item: "LettersOpen in new Window.

Hello Eliot Author IconMail Icon! This was simply a beautiful poem and I absolutely loved the style in which is was written!


Typos/Suggestions

*Star* I saw no errors!

What I liked/disliked

I thought this poem was beautiful! I enjoyed the ending and the suggestion that, though the letters are being burned, the words are not retracted. There is a great deal of emotion and sentiment in this poem, as anyone might tell just from reading the first sentence.

Overall

Overall, this poem was well-written and beautiful, filled with emotion and pain. I could find nothing wrong with it whatsoever, and thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

My Rating

*Flower3* 5.0 *Flower3*

I hope you enjoyed the convention. Keep up the good work!

~Elandra Tressinger

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5
5
Review of The Bird  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review item: "The BirdOpen in new Window.

Hello Tigger thinks of Prancer Author IconMail Icon! This was a fun little poem!


Typos/Suggestions

*Bullet* Bang-bang went its [his] gun
*Paste* Since the hunter is not an animal or inanimate object, it is usually proper to put his.

*Paste* This is only my opinion, but I think that the repetition of the first stanza at the end was a little much for such a short poem. Perhaps if you changed the wording around slightly, creating a slight difference instead of using the exact wording. Perhaps, seeing as the bird is now dead, you could say something to the effect that he doesn't sing anymore.

What I liked/disliked

I enjoyed the pleasant simplicity of this poem. Nothing too complicated or wordy to take away from the complete happiness. It was a little short, but it did not distract greatly from the overall effect.

Overall

Overall, it was a clever, humorous poem. You took a common occurrence and made it funny. *Laugh*

My Rating

*Flower3* 4.0 *Flower3*

I hope you enjoyed the convention. Keep up the great work!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Broken Bond  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Review of item: "Broken BondOpen in new Window.

Hello missbiggs! I am normally not a fan of freeverse, but it seemed to suit this poem quite nicely. *Bigsmile*


Typos/Suggestions

*Paste* I saw no errors! *Smile*

What I liked/disliked

As I have already said, I think for a freeverse poem it was written excellently. In order to make up for the lack of rhyme, freeverse must be filled with plenty of emotion, and this was no exception. The only thing that distracted me was that there was absolutely no punctuation throughout the entire piece, and some of the sentences began running together.

Overall

Overall, you have a beautifully written piece here with plenty of emotion. It read smoothly and kept my attention until the end.

My Rating

*Flower3* 4.5 *Flower3*

*Balloon5* I hope you had fun at the convention! Keep Writing!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of The Ring  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of item"The RingOpen in new Window.

Hello winklett Author IconMail Icon! This was a wonderful story with a great plot!


Typos/Suggestions

*Star* I could see no typos! *Smile*

What I liked/disliked

I liked the fact that you used the dates to show the passage of time instead of the typical "forty years later." It gave it more of a unique flair. Even though I suspected the ending, it was still just as wonderful as it would have been had it been a surprise. There is always something special about finding something you believed lost forever.

Overall

Overall, it was a beautiful story, well-written and interesting enough to keep my attention. It fell between being too short and leaving me wanting more, and being too long to keep my interest till the end. In truth, I believe it was the perfect length and great for a quick read. It wouldn't have happened to be a true story, would it?

My Rating

*Flower3* 5.0 *Flower3*

I hope you enjoyed the convention. Keep up the great work!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Name Inspiration  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item:"Name InspirationOpen in new Window.

Hello Melissa is fashionably late! Author IconMail Icon! I don't think I've ever seen an acrostic written like this! I liked it very much! *Bigsmile*


Typos/Suggestions

*Cut* There was punctuation at the end of each stanza, but none within the actual stanzas themselves. *Frown*

What I liked/disliked

As I've already stated, I enjoyed this variation of the usual acrostic. It also used beautiful imagery in many of the lines. The only thing that distracted me was the lack of punctuation. It tended to make the lines run together, so I lost some of the effect.

Overall

This was very well-written and beautiful. It allowed me to picture the scenery nicely in my mind. I didn't notice any mistakes which helped in the overall effect of the poem.

My Rating

*Flower3* 4.5 *Flower3*

*Balloon3* I hope you enjoyed the convention! Keep Writing!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Black(color)  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of item: "Black(color)Open in new Window.

Hello Tevie Author IconMail Icon!

I really enjoyed reading this poem, most likely because black is my favorite color! *Laugh*


Typos/Suggestions

*Paste* The commas after away and hat were the only marks of punctuation in the entire piece! *Frown*

*Paste* You forgot to capitalize a few of the lines. Every line in poetry should be capitalized.

What I liked/disliked

As I have already stated, I loved the fact that it was centered around the color black. I feel that you might have used a few more descriptive words throughout the poem, but I can imagine you are very limited in that area. *Wink* I think it was a very clever idea to write a poem about a particular color.

Overall

Overall, you have a very clever poem here, and with just a little tweaking it could be even better!

My Rating

*Flower3* 4.0 *Flower3*

I hope you enjoyed the convention. Keep up the great work!

~Elandra Tressinger

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10
Review of Hilltops  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item: "HilltopsOpen in new Window.

Hello Jacque Graham Author IconMail Icon!

This was simply a beautiful and inspirational poem!


Typos/Suggestions

I didn't notice any typos! *Bigsmile*

What I liked/disliked

The single problem I saw with this poem was that it read a little awkwardly at sometimes. Not enough to distract from the meaning, just enough to make me hesitate at certain points. Other than that, it was gorgeous! I always enjoy poems that bring a person's faith to a more personal level.

Overall

As I have said, it was truly a beautiful piece. You used great imagery throughout and I was caught up in the moment. With just a little work, I believe this poem could be perfect.*Smile*

My Rating

*Flower3* 4.5 *Flower3*

I am sure by now that you have gotten my little message about the convention. *Laugh*

~Elandra Tressinger

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11
Review of Upon My Death  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item: "Upon My DeathOpen in new Window.

Hello Jacque Graham Author IconMail Icon!

A beautiful poem and a wonderful sentiment! As a Christian myself, I can understand exactly where you are coming from.


Typos/Suggestions

*Bullet* Comfort for those left behine [behind]
*Idea* Just a little typo in the description that I thought you might want to know about. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* I would tell you,
Could I with human voice,

*Idea* I understand what you are saying here, but it took me a few read-throughs. It's just a little awkward. *Smile*

What I liked/disliked

First off, as I have already said, it was a beautiful sentiment. Though it will always be difficult for those we leave behind, it is important for them to remember that we have gone to a better place.
As for the rhyming - I enjoyed it very much. However, I think it might have caused the poem to read a little more awkwardly than it might have otherwise.


Overall

Overall this was a beautiful poem and one I am sure your family and friends will treasure long after you are gone.

My Rating

*Flower3* 4.5 *Flower3*

I hope you enjoyed the convention! Keep Writing!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item: "Hello, I Am.......Open in new Window.

Hello Jacque Graham Author IconMail Icon!

I always enjoy finding out more about a person, and this was no exception!


Typos/Suggestions

*Bullet* I was an "army brat" when I was small and was convinced I was "issued" instead of being born
*Idea* This sentence read a little awkwardly. I think perhaps it might be because you used the word was so many times.

*Note1* It might be a little easier to read if it were divided up instead of beind in one single paragraph. (Just my opinion *Bigsmile*)


What I liked/disliked

I enjoyed reading more about the person behind the stories. *Smile* I would have liked to hear even more! I was especially interested in the fact that some of your writing ideas come from researching your family.

Overall

It is always nice to have a bio so that others an know a little more about the person whose work they are reading. I can't wait to read some of your other pieces!

My Rating

*Flower3* 4.5 *Flower3*

I hope you had a great time at the convention! Keep up the great work!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Windows  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item: "WindowsOpen in new Window.

Hello Rachel Campbell Author IconMail Icon! You have a beautiful poem here! I like the style very much!


Suggestions

*Note1* This is only my personal opinion. Feel free to disregard! *Bigsmile*

*Idea* I would suggest adding some punctuation. It would not only help in the smoothness of the read, but it would also make it grammatically correct! *Bigsmile*

*Idea* Now, this is really just my opinion - I would switch the stanza about the soul with the one about windows of the soul. This way, you would have windows...soul..then windows of soul. Just a thought, and please ignore it if you wish! *Smile*

Favorite

I loved the general feel of this poem. I believe that my favorite part was:
changing with the light
like the swirl of color in stained glass

There is such beautiful imagery in this line!

Overall

Overall, this was an excellent poem. Well-written, with wonderful imagery and a nice selection of vocabulary. It is one of those pieces that put me in a peaceful mood after I read them.

My Rating

*Heart* 4.5 *Heart*

Great job with this poem! I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get to this review, but I enjoyed reading this very much! Keep up the good work!

~Elandra Tressinger

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14
Review of The Lake  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item: "The LakeOpen in new Window.

Hello Jeffrey Whalen (Cyrin) Author IconMail Icon! Welcome to Writing.Com! I hope you enjoy it here, and from the looks of this poem, you seem to have a great deal of talent. *Bigsmile*


Typos/Mistakes

*Star* rainbow-like treasures from the limb
that hover by the shadowed rim

*Bullet* Because limb is singular, and hover is plural, one of these words should be changed to fit the other. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Note1*This is simply my personal opinion. Feel free to disregard! *Bigsmile*

*Idea* I only have one major suggestion for this poem. It was a little awkward to read because of the lack of punctuation. It was slightly difficult to tell where to stop. Also, you put a period at the very end...making the whole stanza appear to be one long sentence. *Smile*

*Bullet* upon the red-hued crested fold
of a most wide and worthy lake

*Idea* One other thing...I was a little confused that these were the only two lines that didn't rhyme. *Wink*


Rhyme/Rhythm

The rhythm was kept steady through the entire piece, flowing smoothly from line to line. Also, the rhyming was nicely carried out (except for the lines I pointed out above), not hurting the flow of the poem in any way.

Favorite

I enjoyed the beautiful imagery which the poem expressed, and your vocabulary was excellently used. The words were beautiful and elegant, without becoming too wordy.
My favorite lines were the very first two:

A spectacle among the waves
through a misty morning's haze

They flowed very smoothly.

Overall

Overall, this was a beautiful poem, filled with lovely imagery and an excellent use of vocabulary. Everything was very vividly expressed, creating a realistic picture in the readers mind.

My Rating

*Heart* 4.5 *Heart*

This was a very enjoyable read, and I am glad I came across it! Keep Writing!!!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Review of item: "Under A Disfigured MoonOpen in new Window.

Hello billwilcox! What can I say? This was simply beautiful!


Typos/Mistakes

*Star* I saw none!

Favorite

I liked the rhyming scheme very much! And the use of vocabulary was simply stunning! I almost needed a dictionary to get through it. *Wink*
My favorite line was:

Near the mark, near at hand, ‘neath the trees where they stand,
I just enjoyed reading this line. It seemed to flow so beautifully!

Overall

Overall, it was excellently written! It actually gave me the chills. *Bigsmile* As I said before,the use of vocabulary was excellent, and the rhyming scheme was nicely kept and fun to read.
It flowed very smoothly. There are so many poems I read where the flow is sacrificed for the rhyme. I can honestly say that his is not one of them.


My Rating

*Heart* 5.0 *Heart*

Congratulations on a beautiful piece, and Keep Writing!!!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Pages of Old Ink  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item: "Pages of Old InkOpen in new Window.

Hello MattCresswell Author IconMail Icon! Thank you for giving me the chance to read this wonderful poem! It was excellent!


Suggestions

*Star*This is only my personal opinion. Feel free to disregard! *Bigsmile*

*Idea*I would suggest replacing the commas at the end of every line with the appropriate punctuation. As is, it is as though the entire poem were one long sentence. *Smile*

*Idea*The last stanza is the only one with five lines. To keep it consistent, I would suggest keeping it the same length as the other stanzas.

Favorite

I liked the theme of this piece very much. As for my favorite part, I liked this stanza:
The story of the life,
One that echoes despair,
Screams through the pages,
As your ink dries and fades away,

Overall

Overall, this was a well-written poem. The emotion was nicely conveyed with an exellent use of vocabulary. I enjoyed reading it very much!

My Rating

*Heart*4.5*Heart*

You did a very good job with this poem! Keep up the good work! *Smile*

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Brink of Insanity  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Review of item: "Brink of InsanityOpen in new Window.

Hello Illisia Author IconMail Icon! This was a beautiful, though rather sad poem. I enjoyed reading it very much!


Typos/Mistakes

The only thing I noticed was a few places where you unnecessarily inserted commas. Here are a few examples:

*Star*to hide from the disgrace,
that living brings me.

*Bullet*The comma after disgrace can be removed.

*Star*I’m still on the brink,
of insanity.

*Bullet*The comma after brink is not needed.

Suggestions

*Idea*The rhythm seemed to be constantly changing.

*Bullet*forgetting who I was once,
*Idea*This is just me, but I was change this to: forgetting who I once was,
It seems to rhyme better with the line above it, and it reads a bit smoother.

Favorite

I would have to say that my favorite part was the last stanza:
Don’t care what they think,
I’m still on the brink,
of insanity.

A very nice ending to an excellent poem!*Bigsmile*

Overall

Overall, this was well-written, and full of nicely expressed emotion. I believe that it is a piece that many will be able to relate to! *Smile*

My Rating

*Heart*4.5*Heart*

Nice job with this poem as well! You are very talented!!!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Everland  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Review of item: "EverlandOpen in new Window.

Hello Illisia Author IconMail Icon! This was a beautiful, deep piece overflowing with emotion! It drags the reader into the very center of Everland and allows them to watch the drama unfold.


Typos/Mistakes

*Star*...as if it was[were] a painting dating back hundreds of years...
*Bullet*Since it is not really a painting, were is the appropriate word.

*Star*My very world as I know it, is falling apart in front of me.
*Bullet*The comma after it is not necessary.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...hoping that I never wake from the safety net that the darkness has become for me.
*Idea*Very nice, comparing the darkness to a safety net. However, I would carry out the comparison. Since you can't actually wake from a safety net, you might want to use a word like escape.

*Bullet*This whole world is my play area; my creation that I could mould to my liking, but wish not to do so.
*Idea*I do not think that the ; is needed here. Perhaps a dash or something. *smie*
*Idea*Also, the very last part reads a little awkward. You might want to reword it.


*Bullet*I see what the possibilities this place holds for me are now.
*Idea*Again, this line seems a little awkward.*Wink*

*Bullet*She stretches on, farther than the mind can conceive, and she is everything that I have ever believed that I could conceive.
*Idea*You used the word conceived twice in very close succession.

*Bullet*The perfect place that was Everland is being transformed into something out of my worst fears.
*Idea*Out of my worst fears doesn't sound quite right.

Favorite

I loved the imagery you used. An excellent use of vocabulary. I especially like this line:
The Everland is wholly darkness, like the sinister mistress of the night, but more complex.

Overall

This was a well-written story, filled with some very nice description. It was interesting, and kept my attention to the very end.

My Rating

*Heart*4.5*Heart*

Welcome to Writing.Com! You did a great job with this story, and I hope to read many more great pieces from you!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Alone  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review of item: "AloneOpen in new Window.

Hello trafick Author IconMail Icon! Thank you for giving me the chance to read this beautiful poem! I am sure many people can relate to the feelings you have successfully expressed here. I myself LOVE to be alone, not thinking or worrying about anything. *Bigsmile*


*Idea*I happened to notice that none of your lines began with a capital letter except this one:
Just want to sleep
If this was intentional, then just ignore me. *Smile*

*Idea*Also, concerning the aforementioned line, you might want to begin it with I, so that it flows smoothly with the two lines before it. Now this is completely my own opinion, and you are quite welcome to completely disregard it. *Wink*


Overall, this was a wonderful poem! It sounds like something that would be written during a very trying time. The emotion was excellently portrayed.

My Rating

*Heart*4.5*Heart*

~Elandra Tressinger

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20
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Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Pheonix28 Author IconMail Icon! This was a beautiful, though sad tribute to your uncle. I lost my grandfather in much the same way. *Frown*

A few things I noticed:

*Star*The life he took was one of a mans.
*Bullet*This does not make sense, seeing as man plural would be men, and man's would be possessive.

*Idea*You may want to work on the rhythm of this poem. It gets a little lost from the first stanza to the second.

*Idea*I would also like to see a few more descriptive words. A wide use of vocabulary can make a poem even better.

My Rating

*Heart*4.0*Heart*

Thank you for giving me a chance to read this poem. It was beautiful, and I am sure many will be able to relate to the emotion.*Bigsmile*

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I enjoyed reading this a great deal! I enjoy science fiction very much, and this was no exception! You seem to have a very well thought out plot here, and some memorable characters.

*Star*For some reason, I was reminded of Spike from Cowboy Bebop if you have ever seen the anime before. I think that one can‘t help but sympathize with a cocky bounty hunter with a slightly humorous side to him!*Wink*

*Star*The plot was excellent, and kept my attention till the very end. I hope that you will be adding more to the story soon!*Bigsmile*


*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Suggestions

*Idea*There was a great use of vocabulary throughout this story. However, it would be nice to extend some of the actions slightly. Instead of simply saying “he walked in” or “he sat down.” Also, you seemed to put in a great deal of “he says” and “he tells him” throughout the story. It is always nice to replace these common phrases occasionally with a more descriptive word.

*Idea*The ending seemed a little rushed. Everything from the time that they infiltrated the biodome and on seemed to run together. It was full of action, that is certain, but it was nothing compared to the in-depth storyline that came before it.

*Idea*You chose to write this story in a rarely used, and rather difficult tense. I congratulate you on being able to carry it out as well as you did, but there were a few places (especially towards the end of the story) where you began to drift. Below is a list of my suggested corrections, as well as a few mechanical errors I noticed.


*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

This may become the first or second chapter of what I plan to call “The Last Aeon”, which is about the hardships of a man made [manmade] [,] biotechnical cyborg that is thought to be the last of his kind.

He remembers all the bounties he’s caught before- all the times it almost cut this character’s lifeline short. For [, for] one hefty paycheck that would finally end this bounty hunter’s long journey.
“Hmm...” Karber begins whistling as he stares into the consternation [Did you mean constellation?] of stars. He looks out to the left to see Earth slowly drifting by. “Finally!”

The scenery is quite pleasant during daylight hours [,] with all the colorful cargo ships flying in and out of view.

He swipes his debit card through the express reader and keeps walking. Suddenly this [a] nagging bleep freezes Karber in his tracks.

Apparently, Karber ran out of funds, and neither his food nor his gas will be paid for. [This sentence doesn’t seem to fit]

“Just sharing qualms of bad luck,” he says, [Replace the comma with a period]sorry [Sorry] about the... sandwich thing... Heh.”

“Are you unable to pay for your goods, sir?” The cashier asked. [asks]

Karber then walked [walks] up to the cashier and began [begins] to whisper something to her.

They’ll receive a cash prize of ten million dollars for their good deeds [deed] ... Heh, yeah!” Karber cracks a small smile.

The cashier grabs a microphone from the counter, “Rude, we got another con-artist. Lock down on pump thirty-seven!” [I really liked this part right here. It wasn’t at all what I was expected, and it made me laugh *Laugh*]

“Not again...” Karber sighs. He stares out the window and watches as the platform, from under where his ship was parked, folded [folds] up and over the ship and rolled [rolls] into the yard of confiscated ships.
“If it’s any consolation... You can keep the chips, soda and...” she stomps on the sandwich that landed on the floor beside her, “your sandwich, too.” She hands it to him[.]

“...” [the … seems a little unnecessary since he really didn’t say anything] Karber takes the crushed sandwich. “No prize for you!”

So this is when Karber really gets used to the gravity and starts walking towards New York City’s biodome. [This sentence read a little awkward and didn’t seem to fit.] However, he must make it through the suburbs in one piece. Though, lady luck is on his side. [Might read a little better *Bullet*Lady luck is on his side, though.] Twenty percent of the galaxy’s small game can be found in the suburbs. A cowboy’s carnival of crime fighting and easy catches. [I liked this description here *Bigsmile*] Just the fact that most of the time, criminals could be found drunk or off guard in their own territory. [Just the fact that can be taken out, seeing as it serves no purpose. Either that, or this thought needs to be finished.]

“What if I find him?” He thought [thinks] aloud. “The number one bounty, the crème de la crème of big bounties! And if I could cash in... I could just get a place on Ganymede... My old town...”

And then reality always comes to kick him when he’s up-“He’s probably not even really still in existence...” Karber sighed. [sighs]

He walks a good seven miles before entering the industrial side of town where the walls of buildings blocked [block] the setting sun, skyscrapers touched [touch] the clouds, and mobs of people walked [walk] the sidewalks.

It wasn’t [isn’t] the nicest looking bar, though Karber didn’t [doesn’t] care. The floors were [are] browned and stained. The walls were [are] covered in old posters from legendary rock bands from over fifty years ago and were [are] highly yellowed by age. The tables have been repaired with lumber scraps.

"Excuse me, ma’am?" Says [says] Karber.

"I heard that!" She said. [I would say to replace this word with says, but perhaps you could use something a little more descriptive.] "And I ain't old!"

The bouncer sat [sits] down at a table about fifteen feet away from the man [Is the man Karber?].

"What did you say, then?" She stared [stares] right at him and smiled [smiles] with her toothless grin.

"Heh... I said what’s a beautiful lady like you doin' in a place like this?" He's [His] tone went up and he spoke fast and nervously. [Wow! Smooth, Karber! lol *Laugh*]

“You’re too polite to be from around here,” she turned [turns] to him while washing dishes. “Is there some kinda of [This should either be the slang “kinda” or “kind of”] rock show today?” She looked [looks] at his clothes. Karber was [is] wearing clothing items that were [are] quite flashy compared to anyone else in the bar. He wears a red, unmarked shirt under a leather bomber jacket that matched [matches] his cargo pants, black boots, tattoos on his hands, and in plain view, a holster and the gun that hangs inside. His black hair is messily spiked, and his five o’clock shadow arrived to stay five days ago.
He shakes his head. [Very nice description here! I have a very clear mental image! *Smile*]

”Haha, I wouldn’t wanna work in a dump like... Er... I’m a hunter! And, uh, I was wondering if you knew of something called an ‘Aeon’,” Karber grinned. [grins]

“... No. Never heard of it,” said [says…or maybe replies] the lady bartender.

“Oh, I’m sure you have! You have to know what they are!” Karber exclaimed. [exclaims]

The bouncer looked [looks…or maybe something a little more descriptive] at Karber.

“Huh?” Kaber turned [turns] around.

“Now what would you like?” Adam came [comes…perhaps you could say something like reappears) out with an apron on.

“We were getting to that... Just eat first!” Adam gave [gives] him a menu and walks over to Leanne.

“I’m confused...” Karber looks at the menu’s contents. “Escargot mud pie? Crimson turtle fille? Pork grind casserole? What the heck??” [lol - some very interesting names! Yuck!!!]

“Careful. You wouldn’t want to terminate this mission,” Leanne smiled.
[smiles]

“You’re the bouncer and the waiter? Gees, what about vallet [valet] parking?”

As karber [Karber should be capitalized] sits there, still staring at the contents of the bar’s menu, some men rush into the place and start talking to Leanne. One was [is] dressed in a dark blue suit and was [is] holding a laptop under his arm. The other was [is] wearing a green army vest with a white muscle shirt underneath. Both had [have] a worried look on their faces.

“Leanne! It’s time!” The man in the green army vest exclaimed. [exclaims]

“Good gracious! It’s early! Round up all the scallywags! We’re going in!” Leanne’s voice suddenly got [gets] deep.

“!?” [I don’t think that somebody can actually say “!?”] Karber stopped [stops] looking at the menu.

I’m sorry [I had] to remain incognito for such a long time, but after you left Mars, we didn’t know you’re [your] whereabouts!

Adam walked [walks] out from the back room.

I’m here to save you, Karber! Want a kiss?” The three men laughed. [laugh]

“The tactic is today, [Is this supposed to be *Bullet*The tactic today is?] to find and kill a man named Georgio Orstiligi. He’s the leader of the small, but growing group called the Dark Infinite. We need to stomp out the spreading political fire they’ve caused in the outside of the biodome.

“This is agent Graunter. He specializes in explosives, hand-by-hand combat, and stealth. He’ll be there to disarm any bombs the Orion has in store for us, [.]he [He] then points to the man wearing the blue suit. “This is Agent Sine, [.] he [He] majors in tech support and communications.

“As for me,” Lee Stan puts on the Leanne mask. “I got dishes to finish.” He jumps out of the van and goes back into the bar. [Very funny! *Laugh*]

“This is turning out to be an eventful day. Adam..? Who is this Georgio fellow?” Karber asks as the van began [begins] to move.

Numeral [Numerous?] bombings have occurred in the Rockefeller biodome and the Dark Infinite are thought to be at fault,” Adam explains.

“Dark Infinite? Sounds... Evil...” Karber says. [Yeah, maybe just a little…lol]

The Government that which made it, finally seen [saw] it’s impurities and called it unconstitutional,” Adam hunched [hunches] over in his seat in the back on the van. His height made [makes] him feel cramped in the back of the black unmarked van. [You already stated that it was a van in the previous sentence, and an unmarked one in a paragraph a while back. *Smile*]

“Which started the war against Aeons,” karber [Karber] added. [adds]

“More rumors...” Adam said [says] as he cocked [cocks] his gun. [I didn’t actually understand why Adam said this, seeing as he never finished his thought]

The van had arrived [arrives] at its destination. Karber, Adam, and Graunter get out. Graunter snuck [sneaks] around to the back of the building.

“You know, I never got that Quasar soup...” Karber whispered. [whispers]

“My apologies,” Adam laughed. [laughs]

A little slit in the door opened. [opens] The eyes of a man peered [peer] out into the dark night to see Karber and Adam both standing there. [I would suggest combining these two sentences. *Bullet*A little slit in the door opens, and the eyes of a man peer out into the dark night…] He opens the door. The man inside [had] heard Karber say “Quasar soup”.

“Seraphim’s... devilish conundrum cake!” Says Karber. [This was clever - the items from the menu being the code words. Bravo to Karber for remembering everything he read! *Bigsmile*]

“I’m sorry, we’re out of stock. But you can come in and see what we do have.” The man’s eyes were [are] clenched by a smile.

“Okay, enough code. Who sent you guys, and why?” The man was [is] dressed in old, torn up clothes that were [are] dirty and smelly.

“I’m glad ‘Leanne’ doesn’t really sell Pork Grind Casserole... [So am I!] What a way to share information. I’m amused,” Karber told [tells] Adam as the Mine [mine] cart goes through a dark, murky cave.

“...What!? They are... Oh...” Karber remained [remains] silent until the ten-minute ride, into what could be Hades, was [is] over.

Through the dark tunnel was [is] a crack line [what is a crack line?] of light. A door opened. [opens] Inside was [is] a man waiting for whoever is to come through the dark corridor. The mine cart, which Adam and Karber was [were…but it should actually be “are” seeing as they haven’t gotten out yet] riding in, stops in front of some steps that led [lead] up to the door. They both get out and confront the man.
“That was nice. A little stroll through the mineshaft... Really you guys should redecorate,” Karber told [tells] him.

Just beyond [,] windows that lead to other rooms of these operations, [take out this comma] transparently [If it is a window, it is assumed that it will be transparent *Smile*] show the crimes against the creation of the human race.

Karber held [holds] back his urge to upchuck what little food he ate from the convenience store early on [earlier] that day [,] while Adam seemed [seems] to be unaffected.

Finally, [at] the end of the hallway was [is] another door. It was [is] just a normal door. [I would combine this sentence with one of the other two] Behind it was [is] a room that which was [is] quite large. But all that was [is] in it, was [is] a man sitting quietly at a desk with a blank piece of legal paper and a pencil. Nothing else. The man at the desk sat [sits] up and smiled. [smiles]

“Funny... Because if he died... Why do I still here his song?” Suddenly he looked {c;rose}[looks]
angry.

Adam looks at Karber, and then raises his arm to the man. “Not now, not ever!" Before Karber could [can] ask what they meant, [mean,] Adam opened [opens] his palm and closed [closes] it into a fist. The fist flipped [flips] inward to his wrist and created [creates] a hole in his arm. From that came [comes] a metallic device that began [begins] to pulsate a low beating sound.

“No… It’s true!!” The man exclaims in terror. The man’s body began [begins] to vibrate into artificial convulsions. [I am not sure that you can vibrate into artificial convulsions. *Worry*] His internal organs began [begin] to break apart and burst. His eyes pop like cherries. [Ewww! *Bigsmile*]

Karber stood [stands…or maybe something like stares] in horror. It came to him; Adam wasn’t human. [This might read a little smoother if it were *Bullet*Suddenly, Karber realizes that Adam isn’t human. - Make sure you keep the tense right] Karber’s heart began [begins] to race, and his hearing became [becomes] muffled.

By internal bugs, Sine was [had been] able to sneak microscopic bugs on Adam and Karber for communication purposes. [I don’t think it makes sense that Sine was able to sneak microscopic bugs by internal bugs. *Wink*] Karber had no idea.

“Okay! Georgio is dead! I’m all clear!” Adam shouted. [shouts]

“Where did-what!? Aahh!!” Karber was still in shock. [Maybe something like *Bullet*Karber cries, still in shock]

One Explosion [explosion] from the bombs shakes the ground level, which they are on.

“Get in the cart!” Instructs [instructs] Adam.

Karber drops the gun and pleads for his life as he remembered [, remembering] what he had done so simply to the man inside.

“You’re saying… That the multi-billion dollar bounty on you is gone?” Karber asks Aeon. [I would suggest putting Adam‘s name here, since that is what the reader is most familiar with him being called]

[A great ending, with a funny twist! Poor Karber…losing his bounty! *Frown*]

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*Note1*I would like to assure you that these simple errors are easily repaired, and don’t necessarily affect the appeal of the story. It is a great beginning, and I look forward to reading more. I hope that by pointing out these mistakes, it will help polish up the story a bit and make for an easier read. I would be happy to read it again and re-rate it after you have made any corrections.

My Rating

*Heart*3.5*Heart*

I did a very thorough review on this story, because I can tell that there is a lot of thought behind it, and I would like to see it perfect. I give this story a 3.5, simply because of the grammatical errors. The plot and characters were excellent, and it was very enjoyable!

~Elandra Tressinger


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22
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Review of Nobody cares  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review of item:"Nobody caresOpen in new Window.

Hello Darla is BAAAAACK! =D Author IconMail Icon! Thank you for giving me a chance to read this poem. It was very original and enjoyable.

Typos/Mistakes

These are a few things I picked up on as I read:

*Star*And now a wolf standing there,
*Bullet*I believe the sentence should correctly read
And now there is a wolf standing there
or
And now, a wolf is standing there.
*Bullet*Also, there should be a period at the end of this sentence.


*Star*No help comes
*Bullet*A period after comes.

*Star*Nobody would care,
*Bullet*Once again, a period after care instead of a comma.

*Star*The wolf growls louder,
It licks its fuzzy lip with its wet, pink tongue.

*Bullet*You have a few choices here:
*Note1*you can add a conjuction before it
*Note1*you can change the comma to a semicolon after louder
*Note1*or you can completely separate it into two sentences.
*Smile*The choice is yours.


*Star*Pain is the only thing on your mind,
Fear has gone and agony replaced it.

*Bullet*I would separate this into two separate sentences, putting a period after mind.

Suggestions

*Bullet*The creature is so close its grey fur could tickle your naked legs.
*Idea*This is just my opinion, but I believe that bare might be a better word for describing legs. *Wink*

*Bullet*and blood gushes out from your neck.
*Idea*Out is not necessary in this sentence. I believe gushes is an ample description.*Laugh*

*Bullet*More blood streams out of your neck.
*Idea*You have already used neck twice before this. Perhaps you could use another word, such as wound.

Favorite

I liked the ending.
the wolf’s bloodthirsty hunger is now satisfied,
And the screaming has stopped.


Overall


I do not believe I have ever read a poem over this subject. It was very unique, and a little creepy. I have always been a little afraid of wolves. *Smile*

My Rating

*Heart*3.5*Heart*

Thank you for allowing me to read this wonderful poem. I enjoyed it. Keep writing!!!

~Elandra Tressinger

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Review of Six  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Review of item:"SixOpen in new Window.

Hello magrat Author IconMail Icon! This was a very original and deep story, and I enjoyed reading it.

Typos/Mistakes

*Star*The window told me the world is celebrating.
*Bullet*In order to maintain the correct tense, this should be written The widow told me the world was celebrating.

*Star*Will somebody care to explain what exactly?
*Bullet*I believe it would be correct to put Would somebody care to explain...

*Star*Something more than geography assignment.
*Bullet*This should be Something more than a geography assignment.

*Star*--only I have to check what's underneath
*Bullet*There should be a comma after only.

*Star*When after three days I was still breathing I realized I would live.
*Bullet*There should be a comma afer breathing.

*Star*Wasn’t that a disappointment.
*Bullet*There should be a question mark instead of a period at the end of this sentence.

*Star*Mass-production salvation with seasonal discount.
*Bullet*This sentence should read with a seasonal discount.

*Star*After three weeks I was still bleeding.
*Bullet*There should be a comma after weeks.

Plot and Characters

A very deep plot, and yet it was somehow lost in all of the confusion. I found myself wondering at times what exactly was going on...and I still am a little confused. congratulations on getting the emotion across, however. I can assure you that the sentiment was fully felt.

Description

The description was adequate for the basic style of this piece.

Suggestions

*Idea*behind a usual pair of sunglasses.
*Bullet*Usual doesn't seem to fit here. Perhaps another word might serve your purpose better.

*Idea*Septembers sometimes are so bright--

*Bullet*I believe this would read smoother if you changed the wording around a bit. Septembers are sometimes so bright--

*Idea*But you have to smile. And spend so much time with saviors.
*Bullet*I would suggest combining these two sentences.{c/}

Favorite


I would have to say that the ending was what stuck out in my mind. It helped to bring the piece together, and the last line was very bold and intriguing.

Overall

Overall, a very nice piece. A little confusing at times, but still successful in conveying emotion. The few errors I pointed out are easily corrected, and I am sure will help in polishing up the story.

My Rating

*Heart*3.5*Heart*

Thank you for sharing this deep and emotional story. Keep up the good work!!!

~Elandra Tressinger

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24
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item:"At War with MyselfOpen in new Window.

Hello krazy_gurl_sarah Author IconMail Icon! This was an excellent poem over a subject that I am sure many can relate to.

Typos/Mistakes

*Star*either unnatural or bewildered
Either should be capitalized since it is the first word in the line.

*Star*A constant internal battle
That I’m striving not to show

This sentence is a fragment. It needs a verb.*Smile*

Suggestions

They say I’m sick and wrong
Who is they? It might be a little clearer if you said People or something like that. I'm sure that you will be able to come up with something better, I'm just giving you a suggestion. *Bigsmile*

Rhythm

Overall, the rhythm was excellent. However, there were a few areas here and there where I seemed to lose it slightly.

Favorite


You chose a nice subject that is very easy to understand. My favorite line was If I fight it I could win.

Overall


A very enjoyable poem that I am sure many will relate to.

My Rating

*Heart*4.5*Heart*

I enjoyed reading this piece. Keep it up!

~Elandra Tressinger

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25
25
Review of Believe  Open in new Window.
Review by Elaeri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of item:"BelieveOpen in new Window.

Hello VB is catching up Author IconMail Icon! This was an adorable little poem hat is sure to lift anybody's spirits!

I did not notice any grammatical mistakes. However, unless I'm just blind, you left off the period at the end of the last sentence.

It reminds me of a rhyme I would have heard as a little girl. *Wink* I like it very much.

My Rating

*Heart*4.5*Heart*

Thank you for sharing and keep writing!

~Elandra Tressinger

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