I would like to talk about the second stanza of your poem.
"You would never truly listen
To anything I say
Ignoring all that I ever said
Doing what you want"
The problem with this stanza is that the lines switch tenses, and they shouldn't.
"You would never truly listen
To anything I say"
The first line is past tense, but the second line is present.
You should change it so that both lines are either past tense or present tense. It could look like this:
"You would never truly listen.
To anything I said"
OR
"You never truly listen
To anything I say"
Now the next two lines.
"Ignoring all that I ever said
Doing what you want"
Again, you've used two different tenses with lines that go together. Change both lines to either past or present tense.
It could look like this:
"Ignored all that I've ever said
Doing what you wanted"
OR
"Ignoring all I ever say
Doing what you want"
It's ultimately up to you to write the stanza however you want it, but the tenses need to be fixed. I hope this review has helped you. Keep writing, and remember to use correct tenses. You'll do great things. ^_^
This didn't really have the effect on me that I think you intended for the audience. That doesn't necessarily mean your poem is ineffective. It may just mean that I'm strange.
When you write a poem with rhyming lines, the rhymed lines have to have the same amount of "beats", or syllables. Because rhyming poetry follows meter.
Let's take the first stanza.
The infamous child left alone,
Hear the echo of the distant groan,
In the shadows lost in his mind,
Left to his desires, remains undefined.
Now we'll re-write it according to the beats.
The in-fa-mous ch-ild left a-lone (9 beats)
Hear the ech-o of the dist-ant groan (9 beats)
In the sha-dows lost in his mind (8 beats)
Left to his de-si-res re-mains un-de-fined (11 beats)
See how the first two lines rhyme and have the same number of beats?
See how the latter two lines rhyme but don't?
When the rhymed lines don't share the same number of beats
It can mess with the flow of the poem. It makes it sound strange.
Now you can write the poem in such a way that makes some words have more syllables than normal or even fewer.
Desires, for example, could be two syllables instead of three.
That would make the last line 10 beats instead of 11.
Try to rework any rhymed lines that don't share the same number of beats.
Reworking them will help with the poem's flow, and it will look better.
Also, don't put commas at the end of each line. I think you're probably doing that to indicate a pause.
A lot of poets tend to do that. I did too until I learned that it's unnecessary.
The end of a line automatically indicates a pause.
Poetry is supposed to be read slowly and carefully, the words meditated upon, soaked in.
It seems to me that the poem kind of starts off saying one thing and ends saying something else. It may just be me, as I said earlier. Check it out and see if you see it too. It seems like the poem shifts in what it is talking about. You obviously want to avoid this.
Thank you for sharing this poem. I hope my thoughts helped you. ^_^
Nice job with this one! I'm especially fond of the comparison between the first stanza and the last stanza.
A note about rhyming poetry, though...
When lines rhyme, they have to have the same amount of beats (essentially syllables).
This is because rhyming poetry follows meter.
Consider the lines from your first stanza...
I think you used to care.
Hand in hand, in humid air.
Now let's look at it in beat form.
I think you used to care.
Hand in hand, in hu-mid air.
The first line has 6 beats. But the second has 7.
You have to either change the first line to have 7 beats, or the second to have 6.
It will sound and flow better!
Consider writing it like this:
I believe you used to care.
Hand in hand, in humid air.
Check your other rhymed lines too. I think, after fixing them, you will find the poem flows better.
Good job!
In this position, I'd personally probably choose the Island.
I've never quite seen the afterlife portrayed in this way. Similar, but not completely the same.
The choice to cease existing. It's quite fascinating.
Most people view it as you don't have a choice but to cease existing
Or you don't have a choice but to continue existing.
This poem is very pretty.
I'd like to make a few suggestions, though.
In a rhyme-based poem. all of your lines that rhyme have to follow meter.
That is, each line has to have a certain amount of beats depending on the line it's being rhymed with.
Beats are essentially syllables.
Let's take two of your lines as an example, written in beat form.
who is up so high...
the dark-ness of the sky.
The first line has five beats. The second has six. You need to find a way to alter one of the lines,
So that either the first line has six beats, or the second has five.
Here's how you might consider writing it.
Who is up oh so high...
The darkness of the sky...
It flows better when your poem is in proper meter form.
Go through and count the beats in the lines.
Then you change them accordingly.
These are just suggestions, mind you. It's your poem. ^_^
Good work.
This poem is lovely. However, I do have some issues with a few things. If I may offer my criticism.
"I'd like to say you loved me more...you have no heart, no core"
Any lines that rhyme have to have the same amount of beats.
This is because rhyming poetry has to follow meter.
Beats are essentially syllables, if you will.
The first line has 8 beats. The second only has 6. You have to:
1. Take away two beats from the first line
-or-
2. Add two beats to the second line.
Consider changing it to something like this:
I'd like to say you loved me more...you have no heart, you have no core.
That lines it up with the first line, and it flows much better!
You should add an "s" to "day" when you write "cried for day(s)", that way it doesn't look weird.
I'm sure you meant days, which is why I'm making this suggestion.
Best wishes.
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